When Your Ex and YOUR Family Stays Close
It’s only been a few weeks since the separation, and you’re coming to terms with the thought—I can’t believe I’m getting divorced—when you find, again and again, your family and friends are still Facebook friends with your ex. Even worse, you’re getting semi-regular “updates” from well-meaning family and friends, who keep telling you what your ex is up to these days.
While this may be understandable at first, after some time, you’d expect all of your family and friends to come to terms and delete your ex off all of their social media. And you’d certainly not expect to hear about your ex golfing with your dad, having coffee with your mom or sister, or planning a guys trip with your cousin Earl.
At what point do you say—stop! This is hurting me!
Family and Friends and YOUR Ex
Remember when you first got married and you had high hopes that your then-spouse and your family and friends would become close? You had hopes that your union would carry over into your close circle of relationships. That your then-partner and now-ex would just love your mom? That your dad would like your new spouse and the dinner invites, family picnics or barbeques, and holidays would be so much more meaningful now that you’re married?
Remember that it took time? It took their getting to know your partner, finding common ground, and building a relationship that was supportive to you and to your marriage.
Now that you are moving on from the marriage, it makes sense that everyone else who built a relationship with your partner due to your union would need a little time to dissolve the bonds they'd formed as well.
The problem is that if you are still getting over your ex, the last thing you need is to shoulder the pain and discomfort of your family and friends—who aren’t ready to let go just yet.
Full honesty—maybe they won’t. What then?
When You Break Up, There’s an Expectation
The expectation is clear. You and your ex break up, and the shared collection of friends, family co-workers, acquaintances, etc. should do several things:
Pick a side.
Have your back.
Share in your feelings—as a measure of full support.
Meet you with the ice cream, the wine, and the late nights of figuring things out.
Check in on you, certainly—but leave your ex to wallow in their own misery.
And that these people should not be betraying you by spending time with or worse, enjoying time with your ex.
In your post-breakup pain and impending divorce, it’s perfectly reasonable to feel this way. It’s also perfectly reasonable to feel rejection, shock, anger, and betrayal when you catch wind of your ex and your cousin still playing basketball every Wednesday night.
What’s not reasonable is to expect your expectations to be fully met by everyone (especially if you do not communicate them). It’s not reasonable to create outcomes in your mind and then demand they be met. The world and your relationships simply do not work this way.
Let your friend, co-worker, family member know that their actions have hurt you.
Keep the focus on healthy dialogue that’s productive, compassionate, and honest.
Remember that divorce is hard enough without burning bridges with other people you deeply care about.
Give it some time…those early days are hard for everyone. In time, the talking, hanging out, and time-spending between your ex and people who are “your” people will most likely fizzle out. Or, there is some level of acceptance and peace as time heals you and your priorities change.
Why Does it Hurt So Much?
Divorce is tough enough. The reason it hurts so much to see your mom, dad, sister, best friend (etc) having some kind of interaction with your ex is because now it is without you. Which your brain and heart may interpret as —behind your back. Devious. Secretive. Appalling. You may feel betrayed, left out, even jealous. You may look at everyone involved with suspicion…Are they talking about me? Why am I left out?
Remember that divorce is difficult and over time things will normalize. Your new life will emerge. New connections will emerge. Growth begins to take root, almost as the ache is subsiding. Your life won’t be the same after the divorce, but wasn’t that the plan? To develop something better for yourself? Heal? Move On? If it takes time for you to do all of this work, so will time be required for your circle of friends and family. They, too, need time to brush off the soles of their feet and step out of the “old norm” and into the new.
You may already be in therapy to help you cope with your divorce, but most of your family and friends will not have this outlet to navigate how they feel about your divorce. The experts will remind you that this is a time for setting boundaries and taking care of your own mental health.
Three Quotes to Help You Cope
Quotes and mantras have always given me strength when I’m in emotional pain. Consider these three quotes for meaningful self-talk and support while you’re struggling with your ex keeping their relationships going with your family and friends.
Communication
"Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments."
Yep. Read that one more time. Essentially, how are other people to predict our reaction or feelings if we don’t let them in on what we are thinking or feeling? We need to open up conversations that allow for meaningful exchanges about these complex and changing dynamics. We have to be clear on what we need or expect from others, then give them the grace and the space to do their part.
Release What’s Not Yours
“One of the most rewarding and important moments in life is the moment you finally find the courage to let go of what you can’t change.” —Unknown
Once you outline your boundaries and carefully communicate them to your loved ones, then it’s like a penny thrown into a wishing well. You have said your peace and tossed in your penny. And now, it’s up to the Universe, with all its moving parts. You cannot control what others do, or say, or think. You can only do the work inside of you that allows you to release what’s not in your control.
It also means altering some of your own behavior. Like not sharing everything you are thinking and feeling with someone you know is actively maintaining a relationship with your ex. It means being aware of those ever-changing “communication highways”. It means being mindful of whom you can trust for intimate conversations about your divorce—trusted friends and family members, spiritual advisors, mentors, and therapists. (Cousin Earl may be a good listener, but until he’s no longer associating with your ex, you may be wary of what you can say in his presence.)
Give Grace & Embrace
"You’ve got to learn to leave the table when love’s no longer being served." – Nina Simone
Imagine you and your ex, pre-separation and pre-divorce, seated at a huge banquet dinner table. Around you is every person you care about…your parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, gym buddies, church friends. Everyone is eating, talking, and sharing. It’s rather pleasant. This is the life you wanted when you got married; peace, acceptance, fun, sharing, community, love.
Until the love between you and your partner became something that could not be sustained. Until you learned that in order to find peace and joy in your life, you’d have to “leave the table”.
You stand, announce that your marriage is over, and leave the room.
There’s no real, clear notice that your ex is now not welcome to keep sitting there, his biscuit only half-eaten. Your mom dots the corners of her mouth, scowls at your ex, and follows you. Your dad glances at his phone, not sure what to do. Your friends and coworkers react in a variety of ways. Do they stand up and immediately follow you out the door, and empathize with you, hold your hand, or offer their support? Sure. many of them will. Some may even say something snarky to your ex on their way out the door.
But what about those who need time for the news to sink in? What about those who have trouble with conflict and set about eating their food and pretending nothing has happened?
What if no one really knows what to say or do just yet?
The point here is that you have decided to leave the table, but everyone else needs to decide in their own time. Give them grace and embrace your healing journey. If they truly care about you, they will be along in good time.
Thanks for reading this Alimonia Life article. We hope you’ll join us and feel less alone in this difficult time.
Christina M. Ward