Lessons from Divorce: What I Would Tell My Younger Self About Relationships

If I could go back in time and sit down with my younger self, the version of me who was eager for love, hopeful about marriage, and oblivious to the reality of what lay ahead—I’d have a lot to say. Divorce wasn’t something I ever expected, but now that I’ve been through it, I see relationships differently. Here are the hard-earned lessons I’d share with the man I once was.

1. Love Alone Is Not Enough

Young me thought love would conquer all. I believed that if two people loved each other, they could weather any storm. The truth? Love is just one piece of the puzzle. Respect, communication, compatibility, and effort matter just as much.

2. Red Flags Don’t Turn Green  

I ignored red flags, convincing myself they would disappear with time, patience, or love. They didn’t. If something feels wrong in the beginning, it will likely feel worse later. Pay attention.

3. Compromise Shouldn’t Mean Losing Yourself

Marriage requires compromise, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of your identity. I gave up parts of myself to keep the peace, thinking that was what a good husband did. But over time, I barely recognized myself. A healthy relationship allows both people to grow, not shrink.  

4. Not Everyone Loves the Way You Do

I assumed that my way of showing love was universal. I thought that if I was loyal, supportive, and emotionally available, my partner would automatically reciprocate in the same way. People express love differently, and sometimes, their way won’t align with what you need.  

5. Silence Doesn’t Mean Everything Is Okay

There were times when the relationship seemed fine simply because we weren’t fighting. I mistook silence for peace. In reality, unspoken issues were building up, and by the time they exploded, it was too late. Always address problems before they turn into resentment.  

6. If You Feel Like You’re the Only One Trying, You Probably Are  

Relationships are a two-way street. If you’re constantly the one apologizing, compromising, or fixing things, something is wrong. Love shouldn’t feel like a one-man show.  

7. Marriage Won’t Fix a Broken Relationship

I believed that marriage would solidify our bond and make things better. Instead, it magnified every problem we already had. A wedding ring isn’t a magic cure. It only highlights the foundation you already built.

8. Your Gut Feeling Is Usually Right

There were moments when I had a nagging feeling that something was off, but I brushed it aside. Looking back, those instincts were trying to tell me something. Trusting your gut can save you from unnecessary heartache.  

9. You Can’t Change Someone Who Doesn’t Want to Change

I spent years believing that if I just loved harder, communicated better, or showed more patience, things would improve. But people don’t change unless they want to. No amount of effort on your part can fix someone who isn’t willing to do the work.

10. Happiness Shouldn’t Be Conditional

I thought that my happiness depended on my relationship. When things were good, I felt good. When things were bad, I felt like a failure. But true happiness comes from within. Relying on someone else for your emotional stability is a dangerous game.

11. Pay Attention to How They Treat Others

How someone treats their friends, family, and even strangers says a lot about who they are. I ignored subtle signs of selfishness and disrespect, only to experience them first-hand later. People don’t suddenly change when they’re with you, they reveal who they’ve always been.  

12. Being Alone Is Better Than Being in a Toxic Relationship

I once feared being alone more than I feared staying in an unhappy marriage. Now, I know that peace is better than chaos. Loneliness is temporary and staying in the wrong relationship out of fear will only prolong your misery.  

13. Not Every Relationship Needs to Last Forever  

Just because a relationship ends doesn’t mean it was a failure. Some people come into your life for a season, a lesson, or a specific purpose. Letting go doesn’t erase the good moments you shared.

14. You’ll Survive the Pain, Even If It Doesn’t Feel Like It

At my lowest, I felt like I’d never recover. But pain is temporary. One day, you wake up, and it doesn’t hurt as much. Then, a little less the next day. Eventually, you realize you’ve rebuilt your life in a way you never thought possible.  

15. Your Best Days Are Still Ahead

Divorce isn’t the end of your story. It’s just a chapter. If I could tell my younger self anything, it would be this: You will love again, you will heal, and you will build a life that is even better than the one you thought you lost.  

Final Thoughts

If I knew then what I know now, maybe things would have been different. But life doesn’t work that way. The only thing we can do is learn, grow, and move forward. So to my younger self and to anyone reading this who has been through heartbreak, know this: The lessons may be painful, but they shape you into someone stronger, wiser, and ready for a future you never expected but may come to love.

 Joseph Abdalla