There Is No Shame In Divorce

 There is no way around it; marriage is hard. It can be rewarding and crippling at the same time. For those of us who know what it’s like to be in the depths of a marriage, we stand in awe of the couples who make it to thirty plus years. For me, when I was married, it felt like a workout or a wound I was nursing. I got married for the wrong reasons and I got married before I knew what I wanted. In essence, I had no idea about anything. But I lucked out, my ex-husband was one of the kindest people on the planet, he taught me a lot about communication and what it meant to have a relationship. So, I saw these good qualities and said yes when he asked. My family was not supportive, but his was and that made a world of difference. I gained a best friend, a family and an ever-growing pit in my stomach that I’d made the wrong decision. 

We spent a total of 5 years together, 2 of which we were married. We had a decent time. My family had accepted him by the time I sent out the message that our marriage was dissolving. My pride was the first to take a hit since part of my worth was in my ability to keep my marriage together. I had proven to my family that I had made the right choice. I was happy, married, everything was peachy and of course, that meant that I wasn’t an idiot. So, when I shared the news about he divorce, I couldn’t help but feel like the mask was broken. That my life was literally a lie.  

Mix this with religious guilt and the crumbled faces when you tell them, it can really cast a dark shadow on your life for some time. People don’t like to hear that you’re hurting or worse they don’t like it when there is no script for how to react to the news. Are you happy? Did they cheat on you? Did they beat you? Did she take all your money? In my case, I had an out, my husband wanted to transition to female and people pretty well understood that. But for years, the question that popped up more often then any other was, “So, did you have any inkling that this was going to happen?”

For a while, it felt like they were searching to blame me. 

“Well, if you knew that he wanted to be a woman and you aren’t attracted to women then WHY did you marry him in the first place?”

This was until I realized that they were just curious. 

There is no shame in divorce. There is no soul on this earth that knows your personal situation better than you do. They don’t know how much you tried or how much you couldn’t do. They weren’t there when you two exchanged gentle glances of submission. The breaking of the heart connection. They weren’t there for any one-sidedness. If you are divorcing, even if it is because of you, there is no shame. Is there pain? Absolutely. But it is the same way that there is no shame in death. It is simply an unfortunate event. It changes you. It molds you, but there is no reason to feel embarrassed. If anyone in your life is poking around to see if it was your fault or theirs, they just don’t understand. 

Allow this chapter to change you in positive ways. Grieve and turn the page. It’s just part of the story. 
KW

When I started Alimonia Life I was unsure of the direction, I just knew that I wanted to
create a safe space for anyone who found themselves on the road to divorce.
Join our network, get the support you need.