Guest Spot-I Fell In Love Outside Of My Marriage
I got divorced after twenty-two years of marriage, I am inducted into the group of divorcees. He filed for the divorce, but I had my paperwork ready, just in case his didn’t make it to the courthouse. We both knew it was over, the end became intolerable, at least from my point of view. I will never regret marrying my ex because we did produce one wonderful child together and he helped me raise four exceptional children of my own, and for that I am appreciative.
In cleaning up the memories of the past, I saw so much evidence of the problems we had early in our marriage. The proof was in the writings in my journals, pictures, and even some of the cards he had given me. The card he gave me on our third-year anniversary had a personal message from him which said “I know we go through changes, but we can work through them as long as we put us first and everybody else last. We’ve been through hell for three years, but what better person to say I love you and I hope in time we can work through anything to make anniversaries better and love one another better. Happy 3-year anniversary love xxx.” The first few years of marriage are supposed to be bliss, mine was hell and there was more of the same to come.
During the time I was married, I thought that it was enough being his wife. The vision he had, I thought we had to have. Now that I think of it, the scene from Coming to America where Prince Akeem told Imani Izzi to bark like a dog comes to mind. I barked like a dog in my marriage. I thought everything was fixable even me, I got on medication believing I could be better for him. I had taken on the role of trying to make him look good and our marriage appear healthy. I was an impersonator and a liar and my soul ate at me for years. I covered up things and gave him excuses. I catered to his bad treatment and allowed myself to become lost. I didn’t just pull down a veil on my wedding day, I put on a mask. After 22 years the mask I had placed on my face had dry rotted and stunk and was attached to me.
When he left, I wasn’t mad, I was relieved. My mask was finally falling off and I could start my process of finding who I was and what I needed to make me happy, this was my pathway to self-love. I remember the moment I started my process, I was laying across my bed watching “War Room” thinking about how my ex would tell me how negative I was and how unhappy and miserable I was. The movie gave me the idea to create a place of prayer for myself and with the kids gone one of their old bedrooms seemed perfect. I didn’t quite know what was going to happen in there, but I was going through a war of my own and figured it couldn’t hurt. I put a few Bibles, Bible-based self-help books, tissues, post it notes, one chair, a garbage can, a prayer rug, a box of pens, more tissues, two file boxes, blank cards for writing, and the advice of everyone in my room. As Iyanla Vanzant would say “I have to do the work”. This was the start of my work.
I was on a mission to get to what I needed for myself, but no clue on what that looked like. I took those post it notes and wrote down every negative thought that I had in my head. There was a lot of them, they filled up 90% of one the walls in the room. The post-it notes included negative and hurtful thoughts which clouded my mind for decades. Some of the post-it notes contained comments people said to me. The others, sadly where my own backward thoughts that had no merit; these just sat in my mind like locust tearing at the fiber of my being. It was time to evict them all.
I took to another package of post-its and I started war on the wall. I googled every scripture on my cell phone I could find on anything that would prove all that was on the wall to be a lie and didn’t need to be there. I had a match game going on. It couldn’t be true because God said this, I was using the weapons I had. I was strengthening myself and I was pushing for a breakthrough, because I wanted it with every piece of me. I felt like there was a person inside me screaming to come out and be present and this work was getting her here.
I took the little cards and started to write down everything positive that uplifted me from family, friends, and even strangers online (social media). Everyone who surrounded me was in God’s purpose and had a lesson to provide me. I felt it in my heart that God sent angels and they all were in the flesh pulling this defective mask off my face. These angels, my friends, provided guidance, love, and support, but they didn’t pull no punches. When you need warriors, they are there for you. Sometimes it hurt, I cried, I got angry, but look I had something stuck on my face for twenty-two year it had to hurt. My angels helped me pull that horrible mask off with love and tough love. I will forever be grateful for them and they will always be a part of my life. Those positive cards I read and read until I started to believe them. I was feeding myself with everything positive I could. Still to this day I look for positive quotes to feed myself and I share them on my social media page with others hoping they help someone else.
I had not only found a way to live in a positive light, I had to know how I wanted to be treated and if the treatment that I was asking for was even reasonable. I started writing everything I wanted from a mate on little cards, put them in a box and I did them for myself. Some things where extreme like listening to me talk for 30 minutes a day. Talking to myself for thirty minutes showed me I really need to have something to say and to maybe split it up during the day. I buy myself flowers, I play music and dance by myself, I tell myself I’m beautiful, and the list goes on and on of the things I still do. What I learned was I was worth every small thing I asked for and so much more.
I fell in love with me outside of my marriage.
Lisa Lawson
When I started Alimonia Life I was unsure of the direction, I just knew that I wanted to
create a safe space for anyone who found themselves on the road to divorce.
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