How I Sabotaged My Own Healing
It is no mystery that grief is a shapeshifting animal that appears differently for everyone. One man’s bear is another man’s mouse, as they say. Grief also changes over time. It may take the form of water; appearing as a dripping faucet at first just to end up as a flood in your basement. I’d have to say that that is what happened to me. My denial of how much metaphorical water I was dealing with didn’t help me deal with the loss at hand. I just kept tightening the pipes until the dams burst. So here are some ways I got in the way of my own healing journey.
I Stayed In Contact
We are all adults here and realize that logistics need to be taken care of regardless of your relationship status. The bills need to be paid, the kids need attention and care and ultimately those guillotine papers need to be signed. I’m talking about the tasks beyond all of that. The morning after the tearful dinner that led to our marital demise, I headed out to work and proceeded to text him all day long just as usual. Coffee in hand, denial in the other – I prolonged that hand off by about 4 months when I made my next mistake.
I Jumped Into Another Relationship
Listen, a rebound fling to have someone to hold is one thing as long as you both are on the same page. Oh no, no no. I leaped headfirst into what I thought would be my next marriage. I went zero to sixty with this man because I could still not fathom facing the world on my own. Within the first two months I was driving him to the airport when he needed it, practically living with him and simultaneously wondering why he wouldn’t text me back quicker. Projecting much?
2. I Did Things That Were Out Of Character… In A Bad Way
I engaged in some fairly risky behavior. I was free for the first time in my 20’s and had not the faintest idea of who I was. With the juxtaposition of not feeling like I had anyone to turn to, I relied on strangers and the grace of God to deal with whatever mess I made that day. I hopped a flight to Miami, BY MYSELF. While I was there I ACCEPTED DRINKS AND GOT DRUNK WITH STRANGERS. All the while saying I was fine. The rebound relationship that I’d left delivered the “gift” of using alcohol to cope. I was able to take pulls off a vodka bottle without wincing by the end of the summer following our separation.
3. I Put Off Filing The Paperwork
My father and I have had an up and down relationship over the years, but he assisted in tugging me along the process. He went with me to the courthouse to get the paperwork and went with me for my court date. But, it took me over a year to actually get it done. Don’t wait a minute to get on with your life.
In all honesty, I believe these issues stemmed from deeper traumas and insecurities inside me. The monster of abandonment that I could not bring down. The overwhelming sense of defeat I couldn’t shake. The pity on the faces of all those who knew what was going on with me. There is no time limit on grief and moving on but you don’t have to limit yourself with senseless roadblocks.
KW
When I started Alimonia Life I was unsure of the direction, I just knew that I wanted to
create a safe space for anyone who found themselves on the road to divorce.
Join our network, get the support you need.