What Divorce Taught Me About Marriage (and Myself)

The word divorce carries a weight, a sting. It wasn't something I ever imagined happening. Like most guys, I went into marriage with the idealistic view that "forever" was a given. Spoiler alert: it isn't.

My first marriage, on the surface, looked like a success story. We had the house, the car, and the vacations. But cracks were forming. We’d drifted apart, communication had dwindled to terse exchanges, and somewhere along the line, we’d stopped seeing each other as partners. I was so focused on the idea of marriage that I neglected the reality of it.

The divorce process itself was brutal. It wasn't just the legal wrangling and the splitting of assets; it was the emotional fallout. The anger, the resentment, the crushing weight of failure – it was all-consuming. I felt like a complete mess. I questioned everything.

One of the hardest pills to swallow was the realization that I wasn't the innocent victim I’d painted myself to be. I had my share of responsibility in the breakdown of the marriage. I avoided difficult conversations, and I prioritized my own comfort over my wife’s needs. Ouch. That self-awareness was painful, but it was also the first step toward healing,

One of the biggest lessons I learned was the importance of communication. It sounds simple enough, but it's something I was terrible at. I’d clam up which was not conducive to a healthy dialogue. Communication isn't just about talking; it's about truly hearing and understanding the other person's perspective.

Another crucial lesson was the importance of shared values and goals. My first marriage was built on attraction and convenience, not on a solid foundation of shared values. We wanted different things out of life, and eventually, those differences became irreconcilable. Moving forward, I knew I needed to find someone whose values aligned with mine, someone with whom I could build a future based on mutual respect and shared aspirations.

Dating after divorce was… an adventure, to say the least. It was awkward, it was uncomfortable, and it was often hilarious. But it was also a learning experience. I learned what I wanted in a partner, but more importantly, I learned what I didn't want. I learned to recognize red flags early on, and I learned to trust my gut instinct.

My divorce was a painful and humbling experience, but it was also a necessary one. It forced me to confront my own shortcomings, to learn from my mistakes, and to grow as a person. It taught me what marriage really means, and it gave me the tools to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Hasib Afzal