My Cheating Ex Really Broke Me

If you clicked on that headline, I’m guessing it’s happened to you too? You may be wondering, too, does pain from infidelity ever go away?

Well, nearly 20 years after my cheating ex ripped my heart out and served it for dinner to his new way-younger girlfriend over a candlelight dinner, I can say, honestly, yes. The pain did go away. But it took some work on my part to deliberately heal and learn to trust others, again. 

And that kind of healing doesn’t come easy. It requires vulnerability, and learning to trust your instincts all over again.

My Cheating Ex Broke Me

Many cheating stories are the same–there are the telltale signs that your significant other has “roaming eyes” and a wavering loyalty. Perhaps they make a lot of excuses to be anywhere but with you. They come home smelling different, or they come home freshly showered–which doesn’t really make sense if they were really putting in a few extra hours at work. And don’t get me started on the secrecy with the cell phone.

Here’s how it happened to me…

Years ago I was dating a man who really had me by the heart. I’d loved him pretty much since the day I laid eyes on him. And the way he returned my gaze…I knew he felt it too. But, he was engaged to another woman. So, I kept my distance and didn’t even pursue flirting with him, even though I saw him frequently (it was a small town.) On the evening he and his fiancé called it quits, he showed up at my house, unexpectedly, with a case of beer in his hand and tears dripping from his chin.

The relationship was a whirlwind romance, after years of the “unrequited love” situation, of course. Then, it quickly turned into a “My Cheating Ex Really Broke Me” headline in my love journey. Ugh.

Cheating Makes You Doubt Yourself

I should have seen the writing on the wall early, though, right? I mean, I thought perhaps his infatuation with me played a role in him and his long-term girlfriend splitting, but I couldn’t really be sure on that. I should have known, then, that he’d reach out to other women while he dated me. That he’d open those doors before he closed the one with me. That the very day he broke up with me he was already on a date with another woman. Hence my earlier comment about the two of them sharing a meal of my broken heart, as gross as that sounds. It sure felt that painful.

Cheating is an ugly sport, played by people with weak hearts. I knew him to be a weak-hearted and gullible man, but I somehow led myself to believe that I really was that one woman who was so special to turn him around. To make him loyal. 

I learned that the old tail-chasing dog wasn’t to be tamed. Years of pain followed. It wasn’t my fault, but I should have seen it coming. I should have known better. And I dated and loved him anyway–even though I knew he’d likely be unfaithful to me.

Let me be clear on something here. Cheating will make you doubt yourself. How you look. How you act or talk or walk or carry yourself. It makes you look in the mirror with criticism…but your first task when someone cheats on you is this: love yourself through the pain. This is your job. And no matter how you’re feeling right now–you must tell yourself, every day, every hour, every minute if you need to, that this wasn’t your fault and you will heal from this pain. 

When Your Ex Cheats on You

I think it’s important, here, to consult the professionals on what to do when your ex cheats on you. So, since you are in the throes of horrible pain, I did a little research for you. 

First, our big question: Does pain from infidelity ever go away? Then, a few tips on healing from infidelity, and finally, a few words on how to keep that cheating ex from ruining your days moving forward.

Navigating the Pain of Infidelity

Meaghan Rice PsyD., LPC of online therapy site Talkspace, wrote about the pain of infidelity and what that healing looks like for you. Of course, you know that therapy is an option to help you get through this awful mess, but if you must navigate this yourself–it’s helpful to consult therapeutic spaces that you can find online. (At least, until you’re really ready to talk to someone–which you should do.) 

Rice details lots of types of cheating, from emotional cheating, to seemingly innocent “joking” texts of an illicit nature, to outright sexual or romantic trysts with others. The bottom line is that you feel a line has been crossed, and your faith and trust have been damaged in your partner. Whether you choose to stay with your partner or not, the healing work must be done. How should we do that?

• We get help processing our emotions.

• We learn to view the situation with more clarity.

• We learn to forgive so that we can move forward.

• We learn to trust ourselves–and others–again by being vulnerable but intentional with who we choose to let into our hearts.

Rice eloquently penned the pain of infidelity and the forgiveness challenge we face…either in order to reconcile, or to move on without bitterness and resentfulness that we may carry over into other relationships. 

“Trusting your partner is all about feeling safe with them. Broken promises, outright lies, and sexual infidelity can severely damage trust, and it can take a long time to get past that pain,” Rice said. “Understanding how to get over infidelity has a lot to do with forgiveness. We’re not talking about the type of forgiveness that’s simply spoken. It’s more like the type that fully resonates within you. Getting past the intense pain of infidelity will be difficult, but it’s essential for your own healing. Like a marriage that endures the test of time, intimate relationships require the capacity to let go of a partner’s mistakes and transgressions.”

Does Pain from Infidelity Ever Go Away?

From The Girlfriend website, Jodie Utter shares that she, too, was able to overcome the pain of infidelity, and that you, too, can do the same. I find her description so heartwarming, that I felt it should be included here to encourage you. “My answer is you will absolutely heal from the pain of betrayal,” Utter said, explaining that eventually, you’ll be able to face your daily life without ruminating on the cheating.

Utter also warns that “there will come a day when the affair and its unsettling aftershocks won’t consume your every waking thought. IF you want that outcome, that is. For there’s a certain payoff to staying steeped in pain for a time. Pain and suffering, after all, are two of the best teachers you’ll ever have.” 

Learning to Trust and Love Again

Utter also says (and I’ve paraphrased here) that when pain and suffering come knocking on your heart’s door–they are there to teach you something important. As someone who suffered a similar healing journey, I concur that I learned so much from it. I grew. I learned to be intentional with who I trust and who I love. 

Is this pain really worth it in the end? In retrospect, I say yes–only if it makes you better, not bitter. 

From all of us here at Alimonialife, we are here for you. Does the pain from a cheating ex go away? Well, the pain doesn’t just disappear. Like other wounds, it takes work to heal. Over time, the memories soften and you become less the villain or the victim in those memories–and learn to see yourself in a more self-loving light. Don’t worry–if you can’t see it now, you will.

Christina M Ward