Marriage, Through the Lens of Divorce
Sitting on the other side of divorce gives you a clear view of marriage. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I know that to be true. Marriage can be a beautiful thing if the participants are willing to put in the work. Left unattended the union will starve and eventually die. No one goes into marriage with a plan to fail.
The honeymoon phase is very interesting as you figure out how to put the puzzle together. Each of you trying so hard to satisfy one another with compromises. Everything is “We can do…..” and the team is working cohesively. Your friends and family celebrate you on your new journey. Life just feels so good.
Suddenly one day, the shine has worn off and real life sets in. What used to be said with kindness is now blurted out in frustration and anger. Eventually it turns to silence. This is where developing great communication skills and mutual respect should be implemented. Learning to listen to your partners needs without proving a point would be so valuable. Ultimately we all want to be understood and feel that our needs matter.
Settling into destructive behaviors will destroy the fabric of your marriage. When we become locked into this tug-of-war every man is fighting for the win. This results in the loss of love and respect. What if we treated our relationship like we were holding a delicate and precious item? We would work together in sync to ensure that we don’t drop it.
What if we sit down and have the tough conversations to seek understanding? Sometimes we misunderstood the intentions of the other person because we ran with one word they said. Simple misunderstandings can be sorted out when we calm down. Two words can obliterate all of the pain and turn a new page.
What if we stop keeping score and competing against each other? What would that look like? Maybe we conquer this life together. We could knock out every challenge that comes our way. The dreams that we have would be realized. Imagine all of the lives you could impact. We are teammates and should never be opponents.
Being each other’s best advocate is the way to win. Become your partners best cheerleader. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like what they are doing. Celebrate their desire to go after a victory. They need your support in every way. When the wolves of life come to tear them apart, stand beside them and fight to the end. Never let anyone disrespect them. Whatever you disagree about, go handle it in private. Understand that they, like you make mistakes. Operate in grace.
Never forget to honor your partner with gifts of love. Go out of your way to show them that you appreciate them. Get to know them in such a way that you don’t have to ask them what they need. If you study someone long enough you will know their heart and desires. Imagine the type of bond you would create if you were guided by your hearts toward one another.
For as close as you become, you each need to have your own activities and friends. This gives the relationship room to breathe. No one likes to feel smothered. It is your responsibility to have a life outside of your relationship. This brings balance. Your partner can not and should not be all that you need. That is a heavy weight to bear that will crush your bond. Develop a well rounded life that will support all of your needs.
Divorce has a way of revealing so much about relationships and life. If we sit down and take a good look at our experience, we can gain some very good insight. We are sitting in a place of reflection and introspection. Hopefully we will find a way to put them into action as we move forward into our best lives.
Regina H