Dealing with Angry Kids During Your Divorce
One way that kids show signs of stress is to display anger and frustration. You may see this demonstrated with mood swings, bouts of anger, talking back, or simply with angry tears. One way to best navigate your divorce is to learn how to help your children to talk about how they are feeling. Here are some tips for dealing with angry kids during your divorce and in the years thereafter.
Divorce is Tough on Kids
We recently wrote a little about divorce and its emotional impact on kids, especially when it comes to how they express or embody feelings of anger.
When we shared “It was very clear to me that I needed to sacrifice an era of pain for a lifetime of peace,” we were speaking of the adult’s perspective on the choice of divorce. Remember, the children do not make the choice but have to learn, with your support and guidance, how to navigate their way through those tumultuous seas.
And, for them, that can be tough. During this time, though their words may say otherwise, they need you more than ever.
Your kids may respond in a multitude of ways:
Shutting down emotionally
Becoming quiet, reserved, fearful, shy
Acting out at school or at home
Angry outbursts
Crying or depressive episodes
Decline in performance (grades, quitting activities they formerly loved, etc.)
Becoming unruly, disobedient, fussy, or even violent at home or school
Remember that though these are alarming signs to see in your children, these behaviors stem from a great trauma that has a huge impact on their ability to feel safe in this world. They may not have the words to express exactly how they are feeling. If your child’s behavior is showing signs of anger, depression, or other things that concern you, or even if they are not, consider finding a family therapist to help your whole family navigate these stormy waters, or find a therapist or support group for your children.
And above all, let your children know you are there to listen to them. That you are still a safe place for them to express how they feel.
Why Are Your Kids Angry?
Divorce is a kind of death for your children. And, it may be one of the most significant traumas they’ve faced, to date. They will need time and support to heal.
In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross published a book called On Death and Dying. In her book, Kübler-Ross outlined the five stages of grief and loss that we still refer to today, which, if you think about it, apply well to how we deal with the death of a marriage, especially with our vulnerable children.
FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
If your children are older, it may be empowering to them to know that what they are feeling is valid, heard, and temporary. That they will heal in each stage and they will adapt along the way. No matter what stage they are in, they need to know that you, the adult, has got their back. That you are there with them, pushing through the tough times to find that place of acceptance – when they are fully ready for it.
Do not try to force your kids to move through these stages; each will occur naturally as they heal. For some kids, the grief is quite short lived as the turbulence of an unhappy marriage ending might just be the parting of the curtains, so to speak, that allows your children to feel more free and open to feel the comforting warmth of the sun, of hope, with your support and love.
How to Deal with Anger in Your Children
First of all, you are not alone. Visit any Facebook group for moms and dads and you’ll see divorced parents everywhere complaining about how hard it is to cope – and imagine how much harder it is for our children whose support circle is so much smaller than ours! It is up to you to develop a support circle for them that helps build their esteem, learn how to express how they feel, and develop healthy coping mechanisms to process their pain.
Therapy
One key way to do this is therapy for your child. Therapeutic support helps them process their pain and learn how to make sense of it all.
Remind them that counseling simply offers us some options and answers we don’t know about yet. Counselors are professionals who can offer insight and support to get through the rough spots so we are empowered to do things on our own.
Kids may feel less upset about therapy if they think of it as a temporary supportive tool rather than something they need because they are “messed up” or “damaged” or “broken” or “in trouble.” Talk openly with your kids about this option as they may have underlying fears about what therapy really means.
Peer Support & Community
A lot of kids feel safer with some sort of peer group, social group, or support group where they can just be themselves and feel like they are not alone. A support group or sports team or art class can help them to blow off steam, express their emotions, and create something positive out of all that energy that’s playing out in your home through floor stomping and door slamming.
Coping Skills
As you and your children navigate the difficulties and high-emotions of divorce, self-care and coping mechanisms will be tested. Don’t be afraid to show your kids you are struggling, then show them how you are learning to cope with this new and changing family dynamic. Talk with your kids about coping, what that means, and how to make sure that we are using healthy coping to process healthy emotions.
Because anger, itself, isn’t unhealthy at all – in fact it’s quite normal! – but how we manage our anger and express it can create problems for us if we don’t learn how to feel angry without hurting ourselves, others, or creating disruptions that cause problems for ourselves or others.
Tips for Dealing with Children When They Are Angry
A few quick tips for calming angry kids, demonstrating and helping your children to develop adequate and healthy coping skills to navigate their struggles, and using positive language to encourage communication at all stages of healing:
Happiest Baby recommends a “Fast Food Rule” when communicating with an angry child, by repeating, kindly, your child’s words back to them (just like they do in the fast food line) and doing it to show your support for hearing what they’ve said to you. This method encourages your child to communicate more openly with you – without fear of your anger, lashing out at them or telling them there is something wrong with how they are feeling.
Very Well Family recommends creating an anger “thermometer” for younger children who don’t have the vocabulary to explain themselves to you. This is a great way to teach your child that emotions are not bad and that it’s ok to talk about them.
You Are Mom stresses the importance of parenting with kindness, even when it’s hard, and in a separate article shares some tips for how to speak with your angry child. If you are having particular difficulty keeping your cool – don’t forget, therapy can help you to learn some of these communication skills.
And our last tip for you is this – do not give up on your children. No child is too angry, too destructive, or too damaged to experience the love and healing light you can be for them.
Helpful Resources for Angry Kids | Frustrated Parents
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Christina M Ward