Happy Kids After Divorce?

One of my biggest fears when it came to my divorce was, “how will this affect my kids?” I was overwhelmed by the idea of my children being the product of a divorced home, seeing them struggle, feel the pain and heartache of not having Mommy and Daddy together anymore. I was so fearful that the experience would scar them for life. I also didn’t know how we would navigate parenting now that we where separated? I had heard of families who co-parented but I was skeptical. Having been a ‘stay at home mom’ I couldn’t imagine not seeing my children for a few consecutive days at a time. Gratefully my therapist at the time suggested my ex husband and I go to a workshop run by a very experienced social worker Dr. Matilda Smit. The workshop title: A child friendly separation and divorce? , yes it is possible. I would like to share with you what I learned in that workshop. I feel like it made all the difference in the way I viewed co-parenting and also helped my children come to terms with their new life in the best way possible.

So here in a nut shell are some of the basic tenants of the course:

Let go of the emotion

Children need involved, committed parents - preferably both of them! “I always come with an agenda of getting to co-parenting,” says Matilda. “You are no longer married, but you are both parents. You need to be mature and self-reflective, and focus on the child’s needs, not your own feelings.” The number one problem that will result in a bad parental relationship and unhappy kids, is if parents remain stuck in their hurt and conflict and continue to deal with each other in a highly emotional way. Parents need to shift from that intimate, emotional space, into a practical, business like space. As difficult as that sounds,  If you can’t do that there will be conflict and that doesn’t help the child/children.  If you are struggling to do this I highly recommend getting yourself a therapist. Take care of yourself so that you can have the strength to care of them.

Communicate

There is no effective way to co-parent if you and your ex don’t communicate. Whether that be via email updates, phones calls or Whatsapp its vital to keep the lines open. I have recently also learned that there are several co-parenting apps that one can download to help with the communication process. We Parent has particularly good ratings. Communication with your children is also equally important, they need to know that no matter what they are feeling or experiencing, they can share that with you without fear of judgement or backlash.

Don’t make them take sides

Bad-mouthing the ex really does not help children. They need to be able to love the other parent and not feel guilty about that. Neither should children have to pick a favorite and a villain. “We see this particularly in the case of infidelity,” Matilda says. “The ‘betrayed’ party feels they have an excuse not to deal with the issues and problems in the marriage, to consider themselves always in the right and the other parent in the wrong forever thereafter. Of course, the real situation is much more nuanced.”

If the parents are so estranged and angry that they can’t be in the same place, it causes problems for the child. Matilda gives the example of a school soccer match where Mom’s sitting on one side of the field and Dad’s sitting on the other. “When the child comes off the field, where does he go? Probably to neither. It’s too hard to choose, so he’ll sit with his friends or the coach. When children get to their teenage years, when they naturally pull away from parents to exercise their growing independence, this kind of dynamic is exaggerated. You might find that the child pulls away from both of you and becomes very hard to reach.”  I will never forget Matilda’s words…. “polish your ex’s crown.”  When your kids are all grown up they will value and respect you more if you never bad mouthed their mother/father.  

Manage transitions well

For most children, a divorce means two homes, and a lot of moving between the two. Parents often underestimate the stress of the constant transitions that divorce entails for children. Matilda says, “Every time the child moves from Mom’s house to Dad’s house, there’s a sense of loss. They are losing Mom, the pets, the house, the routine, perhaps a sibling. They go to Dad’s for the weekend or the week, just as they’ve adjusted, they have to move back to Mom’s and there’s the same sort of loss involved in that transition from Dad’s.”

Parents can help the child prepare emotionally for the move. Acknowledge that it’s difficult to move between two homes and try to smooth the way. Don’t burst into the kid’s room when he’s playing on his PlayStation after a long school week and say, “Pack up, Dad’s going to be here in 15 minutes!” Because it’s so hard to move constantly, it wouldn’t be unusual for the child to say, “I don’t want to go to Dad’s.” Mom might read that as a problem with Dad, when in fact it’s about the fact that it’s just easier to be in one place (and not have to leave the PlayStation!). Instead of fueling this, recognize that it’s difficult, and try to find ways to make the transition easier. My ex husband and I tried to do this by discussing things like routine and house rules, so that those things where a constant in both homes. We also did practical things like having a set of clothes at Mom’s house and Dad’s house so that we didn’t have to pack every time the kids moved.

Don’t fish for info on your ex

What did you do? What did Mom give you for dinner? Was that man there? Cross-questioning the child puts them in a very difficult position. “If there’s conflict and if the child feels interrogated, the response is to go into lock down. Remember, the child will want to protect the other parent, and avoid further conflict,” says Matilda. We tried to ease this situation for our kids by having a ‘no secrets’ policy.  It is very clear to them that their dad and I communicate openly and that neither of us have anything to hide.

Reflect the child’s experience

It’s tempting to be secretly rather pleased that your child is irritated with or critical of your ex, but it’s a shallow victory. “When your child comes home upset because Dad hasn’t done this or that, don’t collude in his anger and make the drama bigger, and definitely don’t say, ‘“Dad’s impossible, he was always like that…’” says Matilda. “Rather reflect on the child’s experience and try to help. So, you might say, ‘I can hear you’re frustrated, what can we do to make sure it works better next time?’”

Don’t discuss your finances

If you are divorced, you will have a financial and legal agreement in place. Stick to it, and if you have problems, deal with them through the proper channels. It is your business, not your child’s, so don’t talk about it. “The reality of a divorce is that whatever money there is now has to support two households. There is less money to go around, and the lifestyle has to take a drop. Maybe your child can’t have everything she was used to. It’s OK to say that you can’t afford that right now. But don’t make it the other parent’s fault or problem. And definitely don’t make it the child’s job, by saying, ‘Go and ask your mother to buy you that.”

Do what you can do

It is sometimes the case that the other parent just won’t play along. Accept that you can’t control the other person and just do what you can. “Of course, it is better if you can both be on the same page, but that’s not always going to happen. If there’s one person doing the right things - managing transitions well, for instance - that’s a start,” says Matilda.

Focus on the positives

Try and help your children to see that despite the many challenges and life changes they have gone through things can still be good! In our family we believe the because the children have two homes they get two birthday celebrations, two Christmases etc. It’s up to you to be creative and come up with the silver linings that help your children appreciate what they have instead of what they’ve lost.  Start new traditions and little rituals that make your home a safe, happy and a peaceful place for your kids.

At the end of the day there is no winning magic formula to ensure that your children will be happy and well adjusted human beings. Using the guidelines above have definitely helped us in our family and I hope that they will offer you some sort of roadmap as well.

Leigh Stewart

When I started Alimonia Life I was unsure of the direction, I just knew that I wanted to
create a safe space for anyone who found themselves on the road to divorce.
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