Divorce: Things Lost In the Fire

After my divorce I found myself sorting out lingering issues. There are times when I’m going through life and suddenly I’m reminded of situations from the past. Sometimes I can process it and let it go. Occasionally it’s a situation that I need to address. With a fresh perspective I can attempt to make it right.

I have a friend who was really like a sister to me. We were close for about ten years. Then I did something unintentionally that derailed the friendship/sisterhood. In my mind I did what I thought was best to protect her feelings. With my best intentions I made a mess because she saw it another way. She reached out to me to inform me that she needed a break from the friendship. I sent her flowers and wished her well. We didn’t talk for a couple years. Our friendship went up in smoke.

Eventually my friend reached out to me and gradually we began to talk again. I really missed our connection and I was happy to hear from her. We picked up just where we left off. By that time I was divorced and a lot had changed in my life. We had so much to catch up on. We spent hours talking, reminiscing and laughing.

One day I was reminded of the incident that changed the course of our relationship. It caused me to unpack what really happened. I knew that it was time for me to explain the entire ordeal to her and apologize. When we spoke again I told her that there was something I needed to discuss with her.

I asked my friend if she remembered the time that I visited her and at the end of the trip I asked her to come visit me. I asked her to call me so we could discuss it. She called me twice but I never brought up the subject.

I told her that the reason behind that had nothing to do with me or her. It was my ex husband who told me that he did not want her to come for a visit. It took me some time but I discovered that he had an issue with anyone who was close to me. I told her that I did not know how to tell her that at the time and I began to cry and apologize. She thought that I was avoiding the conversation because I did not want her to come out. She said that I could have told her that because she was aware of my situation. I explained that at that time I was not in a good place and I thought I was protecting her feelings. I let her know that that was the reason I had sent her the flowers because I felt horrible about the situation. It was at that moment that each of us fully understood the other person’s perspective.

Not only am I grateful to have my friend back but I am glad that we discussed the incident that threw us off track. It was so liberating to release the shame that did not belonged to me. Recently she came to visit me and we celebrated her birthday. I did my best to make sure she enjoyed her trip. We had an amazing time. In this phase of life I want to be free. That will require me to face some challenges from the past and put them to rest.

Regina H