Friends and Family Happy You’re Getting Divorced?
Notifying friends and family of your impending divorce can be met with some unusual responses. It’s hard to know exactly how to tell your parents, siblings, other family, friends, and coworkers. Sometimes, the gossip mill gets to some of them before you do.
You might expect to receive some kind of condolences. Divorce is like a death of sorts. The death of a relationship. A dream. The vision of your future. At the least, it’s a reshaping of your life. It’s not easy to go through.
But smiles? Awkward high-fives? The “I never liked them anyway”s? When your friends and family express relief about your divorce, it may not be for the reasons you think.
They Saw This Coming
When my ex-husband and I filed for divorce (a very long time ago) my circle was small. My family, church, family, and coworkers were the ones who I had to tell. No one was surprised. And I don’t think anyone lamented that decision, or questioned me about the reasons for divorcing.
The end of that marriage could be seen well in advance. It wasn’t rocket surgery. (I’ve always said “rocket science,” but apparently “rocket surgery” is the thing now.)
Perhaps the reason your friends and family seem happy you are getting divorced is because they have seen it coming. Being inside the relationship, working on communication, fighting to save the last shreds of marital connection, watching those marital vows go up in smoke—is hard. It’s difficult to navigate all you are feeling, but think of what other people see, on the outside looking in. For them, the lens is more wide-angled. They see a bigger picture. Often, your friends and family have accepted that your marriage has been failing, and they aren’t too surprised to hear you say the words.
Surely, they:
Saw the tension in your relationship.
Saw signs of your impending divorce.
Were worried about your relationship being unhealthy or unsafe for you.
Miss the “old you”.
Think you’ll be happier or healthier without your spouse.
Consider it a blessing that you don’t have to counsel their confusion while nursing your own open wounds.
They Are Picking a Side—Yours!
Divorce is not just a big change in your life but in theirs too. Your friends and family have been a part of your ongoing story. Likely, they’ve become part of the collective story of you and your spouse with both sets of family and friends commingling.
So when the marriage dissolves, people start picking sides.
There are many reasons people pick sides when a couple begins divorcing:
Emotional Involvement: Friends and family members may take sides based on their own emotional connections to the individuals involved.
Perceived Wrongdoing: If one spouse is perceived as having acted unfairly or caused the marriage to end, friends and family may rally around the perceived "victim".
Loyalty: People may feel a stronger loyalty to the person they've known longer, or with whom they have a close relationship.
Immaturity: Like it or not, some people may simply want to get wrapped up in drama. They may pick a side and stir up trouble, miscommunications, or act as a go-between, reporting on your moods or movements. (Steer clear of this.)
The first thing you may be tempted to do is rally the troops. To get as many people to see your side of the story and ally with you. Some of this is necessary to find those who are willing to testify for you in court, should this be needed. But be careful with unloading your mind and heart to everyone—in case your ex is hearing it all third-hand.
Secondly, it can make you feel abandoned or betrayed. Friends and family you have trusted for years may seem to ally with your ex. Since the divorce is already such a difficult emotional time, this may be something you can address with a therapist. Remember to care for your physical and emotional health while you are going through your divorce.
They Are Relieved to See Your Spouse Go
Some friends and family may express relief and happiness about your divorce because they have never been fond of your spouse. This may come as a surprise to you because your loved ones have supported you all along, and you thought they supported your marriage, as well. Finding out how many people don’t like your spouse (soon to be ex-spouse) can come as a shock.
This may be a good time to nourish those relationships and allow your loved ones to speak more freely, and offer you their whole, undivided support.
(These are the people you want to have over on Friday nights for wine, movies, and ice cream. For tears, hugs, and support!)
They Are Just Trying to Be Supportive
It’s true that we humans don’t always say the right things at the right times. Sometimes, we say things and in hindsight realize it wasn’t the best answer or response.
For the most part, your family, friends, and inner circle will want to support you. If they seem relieved, it may be an initial reaction that indicates more about how they are feeling than what type of supporter they’ll be through this process. Even if the initial interaction feels off, trust that your support system will evolve through this process as you do.
It becomes important, then, for you to communicate your needs to those who want to support you. Let them know what you need and what type of emotional support would be the most helpful for you. And set boundaries if you need to do so to reduce the gossip, drama, or negativity because even under the guise of being helpful, those things can add extra stress.
One study on post-divorce psychological outcomes observed, “For divorced women and men, perceived social support is one of the key resources that have a significant impact on achieving psychological well-being after divorce, since it is related to mitigating the negative impact of the sense of loss associated with marriage break-up” (Download the full research pdf at: file:///C:/Users/FnFwr/Downloads/CIPP_Art_28547-10.pdf)
I mentioned before that when my spouse and I split up, there weren’t many friends around. I’d been so wrapped up in that failing marriage that maintaining friendships outside my home was nearly impossible. In fact, many of my familial relationships were suffering as I was suffering. Leaving that marriage changed much of that.
In fact, I went on to college in the years that followed the end of my marriage, found my way, made new friendships and carried on with healthier relationships in my life. I learned more and more about how to keep a healthy support system around me, and how to ask for what I needed. These were things I had to learn to communicate properly. So, let’s take a look at how to ask for the types of support that will make you feel loved and cared for during this difficult time.
How to Ask for the Support You Need
Be honest and direct: You don't have to go into all the details if you don't want to, but letting them know where you're at emotionally can help them understand how they can be there for you.
Identify your needs: Being clear with yourself about your needs will help you communicate them better. Maybe you need help with practical matters, like childcare or getting the lawn care done. Maybe you just need some time to think and could use a pet sitter while you get away for a weekend. (I’m a big fan of list-making, but do what works best for you.)
Be specific: If you're feeling overwhelmed, tell them exactly what would be helpful. Sometimes people want to help but don’t know how, so giving them specific ways to assist can make things easier for everyone.
Express boundaries: Being overwhelmed is common during divorce, but how we handle it differs. Some people want friends galore calling and stopping by, checking in, getting scooped up and taken out for a night of dancing to blow off steam. Others need space to feel their feelings, journal their thoughts, or binge on TV. Be honest if the “helping” isn’t what you need, and tell them what would really help you.
Ask for emotional support: Emotional support is critical during difficult times. The kind you give yourself and the kind you receive from others. Be open to this type of support and seek a therapist who can help you navigate the deeper issues.
Be patient: Your family and friends might not always know exactly what to say or how to help, so give them time to adjust to your needs. They care about you, and over time, they’ll figure out what works best for supporting you. And, you’ll get better about asking for what you need from them.
Reach out when you need it: If you're feeling isolated or overwhelmed, don't hesitate to reach out to a friend or family member. Sometimes, it can be hard to ask for help, but leaning on others can make a huge difference in getting through a difficult season.
Wrapping Things Up
As you’re wrapping things up in your marriage, you’re beginning many new things. This includes a different framework for many of your existing relationships. It’s easy to feel selfish for asking too much of the people around you when you are going through a tough time. But remember, one day, they may need you to return the favor and support them through a crisis.
Also, remember that your future paths depend on the strength and structure you’re building now. Using your support system can help you navigate this better and possibly make your healing process less isolating.
Thanks for reading our blog today. Alimonia Life Blog is here for those facing divorce or those who are in a network of supportive family and friends. Take care of yourself. It gets better.
Christina M Ward