Divorce Topic: When Family Turns Against You
Divorce is tough. And on top of your pain you have to endure even more pain when family turns against you. It’s normal for people – picking sides in a divorce. But when it’s friends and family who turn on you, betrayal can compound your suffering. So, today we’re sharing some tips for navigating your divorce when there are feelings of betrayal involved.
Picking Sides in a Divorce
When you make the big announcement to your family and friends – I’m getting a divorce – you may find yourself in a state of shock at how they react. Some will immediately offer their support and love, but others may lash out at you with vitriol and confusion. You find yourself feeling isolated, betrayed, and hurt. You expected better of them. You expected hugs and affirmations and instead you got berated with questions or even called a few names. It seems your divorce isn’t bringing out the best in people, your people.
Remember that your divorce does not only affect you and your ex-spouse. It affects two families. It affects two circles of friends, acquaintances, and co-workers. Your church family and the baseball team for your kids. The neighbors. A large web of interconnected social constructs is shaken by the fact that your marriage is ending. In short, people pick sides and that can be very hurtful to you and your children.
Furthermore, this can cause a lot of drama in your life during a time when all you need is peace for healing. And support from the very family and friends who may be hurting, as well, and unable to offer you what you need from them. They, too, are processing this new shift in your marital status.
In the end, it may take a little convincing for your loved ones that divorce makes people better in the long run. That’s the point. To free yourself and others from a toxic marriage. Eventually, though they may not right now, they will come to understand.
When Family Turns Against You
There are lots of reasons that family and friends use when they’ve chosen a side in the divorce – and it’s not aligned with you.
This might be an opportunity for you to address some issues within yourself that need attention:
Substance abuse
Abusive behavior toward others
A mental health issue that’s going untended
Infidelity
Poor choices or habits
If these issues give your friends and family a good reason to turn against you in the divorce, you may have to admit, there is work to be done to regain their trust.
But aside from these understandable and valid reasons that you may hear when friends and family start picking sides in your divorce, understand that sometimes your family and friends choose to align with your ex-spouse against you for reasons you may never know or understand.
When this feels like an unwarranted betrayal, there is little you can do except manage how you respond. But we do have some tips for navigating your divorce, plus the pressures and pain, when family starts picking sides (and they choose your ex over you!):
Try to keep communications open and honest, but don’t relay pertinent information that you do not want your ex-spouse to know. There’s a court case coming up to dissolve the marriage and you need to know who you can trust to keep your confidence.
Ask your friends or family members if they need clarification to understand what’s happening. It’s possible their confusion and shock over it all makes it appear that they are not on your side.
Ask them if they need some space to process what’s happening.
Explain that you are sorry the situation is hurting them and be honest about what you need from them moving forward.
If it comes down to it, give them a little distance. This is so you can protect your own feelings and keep your strength – because divorce often feels like a battlefield and you need to endure a myriad of emotional experiences to get through it.
Know who you can count on for your support team and try to understand that some people – for reasons of their own – simply aren’t strong enough right now to be a part of this support system for you. Later, they may explain it to you more, but for now, guard your energies for what’s ahead of you.
Get some therapy to help you navigate the ups and downs of your divorce as well as the hurt you’re feeling over friends or family or co-workers, etc., who seem to be aligned against you.
Convincing Your Loved Ones: Divorce Makes People Better
One thing you can do is to remind your friends and family that you are not happy to be going through a divorce. That you have your reasons and hope that the end result for all involved is that divorce makes people better (better than remaining in toxicity). Stronger. Safer. And ultimately happier. It will just take some time for you all to arrive at that place of healing.
A few things you do not want to do:
Retaliate or go on the offensive.
Spread rumors or lies to shore up your own position.
Fuss, fight, or argue over it.
Involve the children in these disputes, or worse, use them as your sounding board. Remember that your children are dealing with their own pain. Keep the focus on healing – for all involved.
When Family turns Against You: Takeaways
When someone you love is picking sides, choosing not to support you, or is being hyper-critical of you during this difficult time, you may have to distance yourself from them so you can work on yourself and your own difficulties. Perhaps this means attending a new church or joining a different sports league or gym. It might mean taking a step back, socially, until the dust settles a little and the drama dies down.
When you’re hurting, of course, you need your entire support system. If your loved ones aren’t able to be a part of that, forgiveness can be difficult. Moving forward in that relationship can also be difficult. Expect to lose some people in your divorce. Expect for that to be difficult. But know this: you will move on. You will find new people. Your social scenery will change, but if you’re patient and do some work on yourself during your divorce, you’ll come out of this stronger and with a new, hopefully stronger and more dedicated support team for you and your children.
Thanks for reading today’s divorce topic: When Family Turns Against You. And we’re sorry you're dealing with this pain. You are not alone. We hope you’ll continue to follow Alimonialife Blog for support. And, hang in there. Some day you’ll wake up and realize that much of what you’re facing right now is behind you.
Christina M Ward