Can You Remain Friends With Your Ex?

Can we still be friends? It’s likely one of the first questions that comes to mind when a relationship ends. At first, post-romance friendship feels like a given, a necessary consolation prize for what was lost.

Of course we’ll still be in each other’s lives.

We’ll always be friends.

I still want to see you.

These niceties always seem genuine. You still must care for each other, right? After all, it was only moments ago when you considered each other soul mates and lovers. How could your entire relationship suddenly shift from deep intimacy to cordial strangers over the course of a singular conversation? It’s unthinkable…

Yet, it might be the only way to ever move on.

Now I know some of you disagree. Some of your exes are now your best friends or remain a significant part of your lives. You, my friends, are special.

For the rest of us, trying to preserve a friendship with our former romantic partners mostly feels messy, complicated, and painful. Personally, after my divorce, I made attempts to be friend with my ex. I did these after I decided to move on and be the best version of myself. My first attempt failed woefully. She blocked me on Whatsapp after our divorce, so I decided to message her on Instagram. After awkward chat for few minutes, I got blocked again.

I am a kind of person that doesn’t like bad blood. I always try to avoid fighting friends and colleagues because I can’t stand bad energy. If any dispute occurs between I and someone, I always ensure its settled without delay. Now to think I will be estranged with someone I was once in love with doesn’t sit well with me. So I made another attempt by telling one of our mutual friend to talk to her. This attempt also ended with more negative impact.

These failed attempts don’t feel right to me, which is why I sought to understand if it’s really something I should be pursuing in the first place.

According to the experts, friendship with an ex is possible, but there’s a catch.

You must both be willing to admit that you don’t work together as a couple. Maintaining a healthy relationship post-breakup requires both people to recognize what worked about the relationship and what did not. If you can also see that what brought you together was a strong friendship, then it may be possible to reestablish the relationship as a friendship provided there is a clear understanding that neither of you wants to pursue dating [each other] again.

But What If You Really Can't Let Your Ex Go?

Look, there’s zero judgment here. I, too, have spent many a Saturday night stalking the social media of loves from yesteryear and imagining Sliding Door-style alternate realities where things actually work out this time. At times, I’ve even attempted to reconnect as “friends”—but my ulterior motives always seem to emerge sooner or later.

If you have also found yourself struggling and convincing yourself that “being friends is better than nothing,” or that friendship might be a gateway toward reconciliation, here are a few things to consider:

1. The breakup happened for a good reason. Whether we know it or not, breakups happen because there was a lack of attunement between you and your ex, Therefore, rekindling a relationship with your ex could be emotionally dangerous, especially if the breakup had to do with trust issues. What’s to prevent these issues from recurring if you got back together?

2. You might be a back burner. Maintaining a relationship with your ex puts you in danger of being a back burner or “side option” to that person, which can be pretty damaging to yourself-worth. While back-burner relationships aren’t anything new, modern technology (particularly social media) makes it easier than ever to keep potential love interests waiting in the wings, since chatting or texting with someone online seems more innocuous than meeting up with them in real life.

3. Boundaries are imperative. In order to stay in your ex’s life in a healthy way, you need to establish boundaries with each other.For example, you can agree to only reach out to each other via social media or meet up for the occasional lunch. Therapists can be a helpful resource to help you set healthy boundaries.

Letting go of someone you still love is one of life’s most painful experiences. While there’s no definitive right or wrong way to handle a breakup, clinging to the past is probably not the wisest move. Whatever you do, remember your heart is fragile, so proceed with caution.

Joseph Abdalla