Help! My Divorce Is Making Me Sad
No doubt, after a divorce you feel a lot of emotions. Even if the divorce was your idea. Suddenly, you find those late nights a little too quiet and your Google searches start to look a little like this:
➡️ I wanted the divorce, why am I so sad?
➡️ How to get over being sad after my divorce
➡️ Divorce groups near me
➡️ Grief counseling near me
➡️ What are the grief stages?
➡️ Divorce grieving process
You might find yourself calling friends and family, venting about your feelings, or even self-medicating with alcohol or yes, sex. Sometimes your grief can drive you to try and replace your pain with someone new.
What you are going through is true grief. In a sense, something that’s taken up a lot of mental, physical, and emotional space in your life has “died.” It feels like a death, of sorts, doesn’t it? Compound this new divorce grief with the excitement over starting your new life and the guilt of “ending” the old one and you’ve got yourself a trifecta of confusion. And worse, if the divorce wasn’t your idea, the pain of your grieving can be even more profound.
Divorce Sadness— How Much Sadness Is ‘Normal’?
One German study analyzed data from over 30,000 people who were going through divorce, and the emotions they faced in the first five years. The study showed that sadness was most pronounced during the time of the negative romantic event—separation or the divorce day, as examples—for that first year. Think of how this applies to your life…that first Christmas, that first spring that passes without your ex, that first anniversary that isn’t an anniversary anymore. You have a year of milestones to navigate, only now, you’re doing it solo with the memories associated with those milestones as reminders of the separation and divorce.
In other words, it takes time to grieve. And what you are feeling is perfectly normal.
When is your divorce sadness abnormal? There are times when separation and divorce can trigger changes within your body’s chemistry, as with any emotional trauma that runs deep. This may shift your mental health into something more like depression. If you are overcome by your grief and it is affecting your daily life, then there is no shame—in fact, it’s encouraged—in getting some professional help.
Look in your area for grief counseling services
Talk to your regular medical doctor about what your feeling, physically, mentally, and certainly emotionally
Look for divorce support groups online or in your area
Take some time for self-care, self-growth, and to focus on growing through this grief into someone stronger and more “you”
Remind yourself every day that what you are feeling will get better with time and self-compassion
Divorce and Grief Stages
Back in the late 1960s a psychiatrist named Elisabeth Kubler-Ross outlined five clear stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying. These grief stages have been profoundly impactful to counselors who help people deal with their grief so they can move out of that painful season of their lives, learn, grow, and find a new season of contentment. For each separated person, each not-yet-divorced person, and each one who is sobbing through signing those papers—these stages of grief arrive at different lengths of time. As you work through the stages, it helps to know what you're feeling fits these stages, and that with some self-work, you can work your way through them feeling a lot less like your heart and mind are out of control.
Though the book On Death and Dying was not written for moments such as these (it was meant for dealing with the loss of a loved one) it still applies today. These stages may also overlap.
Take a look at Ross’s five grief stages and see where you think you might be in your divorce journey:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Getting to “acceptance” is hard. Don’t feel poorly about yourself if you get stuck in one or more of these stages and can’t seem to find your way out. Storms don’t last forever. Soon enough, and one day maybe before you’ve realized it’s happening…those clouds will clear and the sun will once again shine on your face.
In the meantime…let’s make a quick list of “what to do when I’m sad about my divorce” stuff. My list may look completely different than yours, but make the list. Hang it someplace where you will see it during those tough times.
Dealing with Divorce Grief
Here’s my “get over the sadness list.” (And trust me, it took several months, even a year or several before I didn’t feel sad about my divorce anymore.)
Hobbying. I can’t tell you how much simple things like crochet and cross stitch saved my heart and mind. It gave me something productive to do with my hands, too. I did cleaning projects, learned new crafts, and went to the craft store when I was feeling creative. Creativity is a healing thing, really!
Meeting new people (carefully). I did meet new people and it took a lot for me to stop talking about the ex constantly. New friends helped me to develop a new circle of people around myself—ones who did not have connections to my ex. I think that helped me a lot.
Writing. Because I am a writer, I do have this outlet to pour my emotions into. But you don’t have to be a writer to take a journal and write down all those thoughts that are in your head. Just get that stuff out of your head. It helps. And then…close the book.
Self-care. This is the time to work on your inner talk, your self-care, your physical and mental health…and to start loving yourself again. The more you do it the more it will feel natural to you. And then you’ll be a better person for yourself, your kids and your potential future partner.
Taking some time in nature. Nature is a powerful healing force. Fresh air, trees, the beautiful sky. It can remind you that these feelings of sadness will pass through you like the seasons. And that one day, you’ll be ok.
We’re Here to help!
If you’ve been feeling sad—I wanted the divorce why am I so sad?—and wondering how you will ever move on from this, just know that it is normal to go through a wide range of emotions as you navigate all the steps of your separation and divorce. Here at Alimonialife, we offer support to people who are going through or who have been through a divorce. Join our community for some support and follow our blog—it helps to know you are not alone.
Christina M Ward