3 Things Divorce Taught Me About Self-Care
Divorce is never a pleasant experience, but that does not mean we can’t learn key life lessons from our divorce. My divorce taught me 3 key things about self-care; lessons I’ll take with me on the rest of my earthly journey.
Self-care isn’t selfish.
Self-care helps us to love ourselves through our pain.
Self-care can help us to heal and be more whole.
If you’re struggling with post divorce self-care, let’s take a look at some of the messaging you may have received in your life and how you might turn that around and self-care your way through the pain of divorce.
Self-Care Is Not Selfish
The majority of my life I have been taught not to be a selfish person. This seemed to be a theme in my childhood home but also something I was taught growing up in the church. Especially as a female, I was taught to serve others, be amicable and giving, and to think of others before I thought of myself.
Needless to say, when I was in the throes of an abusive marriage, these internal messages contributed to my staying in an unhealthy situation for far too long. When I got out of my marriage, the turmoil in my heart, the trauma, the heartbreak – all needed healing. And I knew this needed to be done in order for me to move on.
I wanted the tears to stop. I wanted to get up in the morning and feel excited about my life moving forward. I found that self-care helped me to right these pains and work on myself. But I had to basically unlearn the internal messaging that told me that these self-care efforts were the equivalent of being selfish. I’ll be honest, I truly struggled with this.
Atara Malach M.A., PCC, writer for Psychology Today, reminds us that when we prioritize our own self-care, we are essentially making the decision to give our best selves to others. In her article “Why Self-Care Is Not Selfish” Malach reminds us that self-care is simply self-maintenance that is necessary for us to do so that we can be all we can, for ourselves, for others, and especially for our children and family.
So if you’re feeling selfish about your post-divorce self-care efforts, remember that you are maintaining your own physical and mental health so that you can heal and move forward. It’s ok to invest your time in making yourself feel better and building the self-esteem that can often plummet during divorce.
Self-Care Is Self-Love
Why should self-love be a bad thing? When you are coming out of a marriage that clearly didn’t work out, you are suffering. Loving yourself through this is the kind and empathetic thing to do for yourself moving forward.
Think of it this way:
Self-love shows us that we are worthy.
Self-love teaches other people we know our own worth and have standards regarding how we will allow others to treat us.
Self-love is about self-respect.
Self-care measures help to remind us each day to prioritize our own health and wellness so we can be our best selves.
Self-love, through a steady self-care regimen each day can prepare us for all the gifts and blessings life still has for us.
Self-care and self-love remind us to stay positive – to spend less time worrying over those things which are out of our control, and focus on what we can do.
Self-Care Teaches Us How to Be Whole
During my marriage I lost myself. Maybe you can relate to this? I had learned how to define myself, limit myself, and attach myself to the needs of another. Some of this had to be undone in order for me to grow and move forward.
I realized after my divorce that self-care was the key to my healing. I let the tears come when they needed to come. I took walks. I spent many a night soaking in a warm Epsom salt bath. I read books. I started working on making new friends. I got a new haircut and color. I bought new bras and new makeup. I wrote a lot of poetry. I took the time I needed to nourish myself outside and in.
It seems after divorce that you will never be or feel whole again, but this is your trauma speaking. Know that with self-care measures and some time, you can and will feel better again.
My Favorite Post-Divorce Self-Care Strategies
Beauty activities such as doing my makeup, a face mask, styling my hair or doing a hair mask, or taking the time for a good shave.
Reading a good book.
Meditation and yoga.
Taking walks or hiking in nature.
Getting creative with home decor or crafts.
Making sure I get enough sleep.
Exercise to keep my body strong and healthy.
Take care of physical needs like going to the doctor and the dentist.
Staying away from alcohol – this is not the time for negative coping mechanisms.
Journaling, writing, or taking pictures of things along my new journey to self-discovery.
And I speak from experience – therapy or support groups can be helpful in times of post divorce crisis.
Post-Divorce Self-Care Is Important
Regardless of what you’ve been taught about self-care, those days, weeks, months, and even years after divorce are tough. You need that extra measure of self-care to help you learn to move forward with self-love and to help heal yourself from the trauma of divorce. Not to mention, these self-care techniques help you to manage that post divorce stress.
It’s ok to love yourself through this. And if you need to hear it – you’ve got this.
Christina M Ward
When I started Alimonia Life I was unsure of the direction, I just knew that I wanted to
create a safe space for anyone who found themselves on the road to divorce.
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