Forgive Yourself With Compassion

After my divorce, I started reminiscing on things I could have done differently to make the relationship work. Most times, I hate myself for not doing some things differently. But recently I have been making peace with myself. I figured that not forgiving myself for those things that I could have done differently is making me stuck. Therefore, I decided to make peace with myself and free myself from my past errors.

We all have had times when we have harmed others or harmed ourselves, and many of us harbor regret, shame, or self-blame for years. However, being harsh to ourselves can keep us stuck from moving forward or learning from our mistakes.

Choosing not to forgive yourself isn’t going to effect just you. It will extend to your relationship with families, colleagues, friends and neighbors. Due to the nature of my job, I have heard from clients about the way holding onto their errors has effected them. For example, a female client once turn down all approaches from men after her divorce. She claimed she was afraid of being in a new relationship because she might hurt them like she did to her ex. A single mistake has been pinning her down for years.

With self-forgiveness, we lean into the parts of ourselves that we have kept our distance from. We learn to stay with the harm we have inflicted long enough to heal it. Forgiveness is not condoning or forgetting about harm that’s been done. You can forgive yourself while committing to never harm yourself or another in that way again. Forgiveness doesn’t let you off the hook. Instead, you intentionally make contact with the hook of self-liberation, carefully unhook it, and then choose to stop taking its bait.

Simple Forgiveness Technique

By bringing the goodness of compassion to the parts of yourself that you have turned away from, you allow for healing. Self-forgiveness also opens the door for a “flow” of forgiveness. As you compassionately forgive yourself, you develop the courage to ask for forgiveness from others and offer forgiveness to those who have harmed you. Below is a simple forgiveness technique that you can use first with yourself, and then with others:

1. Get into a compassionate mindset. Practice a few soothing rhythmic breaths, slowing your mind and body down.

2. Consider something that you have had difficulty forgiving about yourself. Make contact with the pain of that thing inside your body.

3. Turn toward that pain with kindness and care, as you would a child or friend who is hurting. Bring warmth and gentleness to yourself and the part that is hard to forgive.

4. Practice a forgiveness dialogue with yourself. You can write in a journal or letters to yourself.

5. Practice some more soothing rhythmic breathing.

The Flow of Forgiveness

Learning to forgive yourself opens you to deeper connection with not only yourself but also others. Are there people that you have had a hard time forgiving? Are there people who are asking for your forgiveness? How can you bring what you have learned about regret and forgiveness to these relationships? Look for opportunities to practice the flow of forgiveness: self-forgiveness, giving forgiveness, and receiving forgiveness.

Being harsh to ourselves can keep us stuck from learning from our mistakes. As you forgive yourself, you develop the courage to ask for forgiveness from others and offer forgiveness to those who have harmed you.

Consider something that you have had difficulty forgiving about yourself and turn toward that pain with kindness and care.

Joseph Abdalla