Your Ex Isn’t Helping with the Kids
What do you do when your ex won’t co-parent? You’re doing your part every day with the kids, but when it’s their turn, or when something comes up with the kids – I can almost hear the conversation with your bestie on the phone…
Why won’t my ex help me?
My ex won’t see his child. They won’t even answer the phone when their kids call!
What am I going to do without any help at all from them?
I shouldn’t have to do all this by myself!
And you’d be right to lament. Your ex should, and is likely court-mandated to, help care for the kids after the divorce. Now, they’re skipping out on their responsibilities, and you’re outraged, maybe even a little hurt by it all.
Today’s blog is for you. We want you to know, here at Alimonialife, we care, and we’re here – even when your ex isn’t. So, grab a coffee and take a few minutes to read through this blog, which may help you feel less alone, and empower you to move forward with more information about what you might do about this situation.
My Ex Won’t See His Child (Or Hers)
Likely, there are court-mandated actions that your ex, and you, must adhere to. Implementing those changes can be difficult and some exes simply pull a disappearing act as they try to get their own life together. I’ve been there – with my young son, Spiderman backpack, swinging his little dangling feet as he waits on the porch. Only to get that too-late call from his other parent, the, –Something came up. I’m not coming. Can you tell him I’m sorry?– call.
You’re disappointed. You can’t catch a break. You’re angry at the absent parent (maybe even jealous that they can do whatever they want), and certainly, you see that sadness and disappointment in your child. In this moment, you must set aside your emotions and show up for your child.
Remember:
If the other parent wasn’t invested in being present, in putting your child first, then your child may be emotionally and physically safer with you.
Your priority now is to tend to your child’s needs. Talk with them about how they’re feeling, reassure them, and perhaps redirect them to a task they’ll enjoy.
When you get your child/children settled and you’ve made sure they are ok…tap into your own support system to get your own needs “settled.” Checking in with your own mental health is something you’ll have to do often – especially if your ex’s actions mean that you consistently have to parent up in their absence.
“Remind your children that they are loved. When children go through divorce, their emotional confusion is compounded by their own self-detrimental internal dialogue…Remind them that you are here to listen. Ask questions without guiding the answers. Let your children be real and true with you. Let them feel safe opening up to you.”–How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist
When Your Ex Won’t Co-Parent
Now that we’ve thought about the parental absenteeism that sometimes follows divorce, let’s take a look at lack of parenting, in general. There are two ways to look at this: legally and ethically.
Legal Failure to Co-Parent
The court mandates co-parenting to a degree; child support, scheduled visitations, and financial and medical obligations. If your ex is not meeting the court-mandated obligations, it may be time to revisit the court for mediation services or a revision of your custody order.
Ethical Failure to Co-Parent
As you know, the court cannot address every detail of parenting – creating gray areas for co-parenting after divorce. This involves many little things that add up to a well-rounded co-parenting experience, with both parties equally committed to meeting the needs of the children. For example, attending the kids’ teacher’s meetings, Birthday parties, dance recitals, or ball games, taking the kids to the dentist or getting their haircut.
If you are left holding all of this responsibility on your own, it can feel like you are a single parent. Unfortunately, you cannot reach into the mind of your ex and bend their thoughts toward a kids-first policy.
Children of Divorce Statistics
If your anger and resentment are growing toward your ex, it may help to remember some of the divorce statistics regarding children of divorce. This helps to remind you that what truly matters is your children’s experience in their changing world. While you may not be able to force your ex’s participation, you can manage the environment your children are in, and keep your focus on what’s most important for your children – a stable and safe environment where their needs are being consistently met.
The following statistics come from this source.
“Children who experience divorce are more likely to have issues with self-esteem and trust.”
“Children of divorced parents are more likely to experience emotional, social, and academic difficulties.”
“Children with divorced parents are twice as likely to drop out of high school than their peers with married parents.”
We share these statistics not to alarm you but to remind you to provide adequate mental health support, encouragement, communication, and academic support so that your children may adjust as well as possible to the restructuring of their family dynamics. If your ex doesn’t prepare your children in these important areas…then at least you know you are doing what you can to help your children cope.
Why Won’t My Ex Help Me?
Your family and relationships are going through a tough time of restructuring. Co-parenting is as hard for your children to adjust to as it is for you. But, don’t forget that your ex is going through all of these same adjustments and feelings.
Here are four common reasons why an ex becomes less involved with the children in that critical time following divorce:
Your Ex Avoids Dealing with You – It may be difficult for your ex to see you or work with you as they deal with unresolved pain, resentment, or a strong drive to “just move on.” Make it a priority to learn conflict resolution and communication tactics that help foster harmonious co-parenting. Suggest some joint counseling sessions to help you both get on the same page, putting the kids first.
Childcare Payments After Divorce – Some divorcees get hit with big child support payments and this can cause resentment. Sadly, they may pull away from the children thinking they’ve played their part by sending the money. This can be amplified if your ex gets remarried and begins to focus on the new family. An ex can quickly dwindle to a paycheck and no other type of support.
Legally, child support payments and time with the children are two entirely different things. Remind your ex that your children love you both and need you both. And that no matter how much money you throw at a child’s situation, it doesn’t take the place of in-person attention and care.
Childcare After Divorce – If your ex believes they are the provider and you are the caregiver, it’s hard to change that dynamic. You can, however, encourage them to participate in things they used to do with their children and make the space for them to do so. One shared hobby may be the most you can eke out of the ex, but those small moments are super-important to your children. (Even if it feels very unfair to you to do the real work of parenting the rest of the time.)
Single Parent vs Co-Parenting – Single parenting is really hard, but so is co-parenting. Sometimes you’ve just got to do the best you can, relax, and try to let go of the parts of it you can’t fix.
“Parents who are in the process of divorcing often experience emotional tension, task and responsibility overload, financial drawbacks, and difficulties maintaining positive parent–child relationships. These burdens can make it hard for parents to provide their children with a consistent routine and a stable family environment. Apart from observing their parents’ stress and dealing with a decline in their standard of living, the children of divorcing parents may experience feelings of insecurity, fear, anger, loyalty conflicts, guilt, or self-blame (Birnbaum and Saini 2012).”– The Sociology of the Family, Chapter 18, Ulrike Zartler
Co-parenting can feel very isolating, but remember that your ex and you have one big thing in common – your kids. Just as you are feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, your ex may be facing similar feelings. Or, they may be feeling insecure in their new role in your children’s lives.
Encouraging Your Ex to Be More Involved
Co-parenting isn’t easy for anyone. You may find that forgiveness, grace, and a bit of tolerance go a long way. If you work hard to prioritize your children, and encourage healthy interactions with the ex, then you can help to give your children that stability and security they need. As far as the ex goes…all you can do is encourage without judgment and resentment, and when necessary, get the courts involved.
Join further discussions on the blog for Alimonialife, where we cover topics like How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist, How to Heal After Your Divorce, and other topics of interest.
*Disclaimer: Here at Alimonialife, we are not medical professionals, but divorcees who have ‘been there.’ We share our experiences and our research with you, but defer to medical professionals for diagnosis or treatment.
Christina M Ward