The Toxic Base

Once I started to think about divorce one of the first challenges that hit me was guilt. As I saw it my kids were safe and now I was about to rip them out of their comfort zone. How could I be so selfish by putting my own needs above theirs? They don’t deserve to be rocked because I’m unhappy. Those were the very thoughts that terrorized me for years. It was like a recording that would play over and over in my mind. When I was most frustrated with my marriage it would get louder. I felt as if my kids didn’t deserve a broken home and I bore the responsibility to make sure it didn’t happen. After all I was a product of a broken home and I never wanted that for my kids.

I stayed in a loveless marriage thinking that I was protecting them. I thought that I was guarding their foundations for a good life. Then I realized that I was masking a toxic base that would one day erode and leave them feeling confused about love and relationships. If my husband and I are not modeling a positive image of what a union should be then we were teaching them some truly bad ideologies that would erupt later in life. When I understood that I knew that I could no longer continue down this path. My kids deserved better and so did I. I want them to be successful in every area of their lives.

Telling our children that we were getting a divorce was one of the lowest moments that I had to experience on this journey. I felt like I had failed them. Our oldest did well with the news. The two younger kids had a very hard time. It was like some kind of monster that they were terrified of. They simply did not know how to process the news. They only knew what they had learned from movies, tv shows or their friends. The pain that they were experiencing was unbearable for me and the guilt that revisited me was immeasurable. Yet I had to reassure myself that this was the right thing to do. I suggested that we take them to counseling so they could work through their feelings and we did.

Now that we are living in separate homes, the kids go back and forth. I’m so proud of them because they are really trying to work through the process. There are moments when I hear someone crying and I go to comfort them. I ask them to journal or paint what they are feeling. I am always amazed at how well they express their feelings. I want to raise emotionally intelligent children. It’s important for them to become aware of how they are feeling and be able to work through those emotions in a healthy way. I am grateful that we are on the right track in this area.

I am no longer plagued with the guilt and shame of making the decision to file for divorce. Having tried every option to save the marriage I ultimately made the decision to do what was in the best interest of the kids and myself. There is some pain associated with that decision but the outcome will be better for all of us. My kids get the benefit of having a mom who is no longer emotionally exhausted. Recently one of the kids was having a difficult time and my ex told me that it is my fault. He said that because he is still angry that I filed for divorce and can’t come to terms with his actions or lack of. I didn’t let it get to me. He is responsible for his own healing.

Ali M

When I started Alimonia Life I was unsure of the direction, I just knew that I wanted to
create a safe space for anyone who found themselves on the road to divorce.
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