The Realization-Divorcing A Trans Woman
“I want this all the time,” he said, clad in women’s undergarments, “I want to be this way all the time.” My face smoothed over like clay. I supposed I was a lesbian now.
My husband was a tall, dark-haired, sword-fighting man. People often commented on his resemblance to Superman, and I certainly was no stranger to his masculine beauty. When he stood in a room, his dark eyes and jawline were the center of attention. He was my world. He was my white knight who took me away from an unloving family; we were teenagers when we met. When I asked for just a simple promise ring, he insisted on getting down on one knee and making it an engagement ring. My love for him was deep. I cared for him and kept him company in dark moments, so why couldn’t I stay when he wanted to become she?
It was never about intolerance to the idea of trans people. My mind had opened to the LGBTQ community long before this instance and my best friend growing up transitioned from female to male – giving me a front row seat to the process and stigma it came with! We stayed very tight friends after the transition, so why did I turn to stone two weeks after my husband, my partner in life, wanted to go through the reverse process?
Now, at the conception of this notion that my husband would be my wife, I was actually giddy. I marveled at the opportunity to have a woman to confide in, share clothes with, teach how to be “womanly”. Having never had a little sister, that sounded delightful to me – a queendom! I thought about the tender moments we would share as I guided her through the lady’s department of JC Penney or ordering her larger feet pretty and delicate shoes to wear. Alarmingly though, as the days passed and I would come home day after day to what was becoming the opposite of my once heroic husband, my rosy glasses slid down my nose. His once confident shoulders hiked up in femme-fashion, batting his eye lashes at the consultant in the Sprint store. His words carried a pitch that no longer comforted me. His insecurity showed up seemingly out of nowhere. He had changed.
To clarify, I say he changed when, in reality, SHE was just blossoming. She was making her debut with the footing of an infant giraffe. I witnessed a birth of sorts and I am thankful to have had the time with her I did, but regardless of how true that all was and how bright her future looked, I lost a family. I lost the future I had in my head. The wind taken out of my sails. I realized that God was taking me in a new direction, because if He didn’t send this earth-shaking event, I never would have left. I never would have bonded closer to my support circle. I never would have fought and won a battle with alcoholism and lived to tell the tail. I would have never met so many amazing people who taught me to accept myself. I would have never come out of my shell and written poetry or expanded my visual art and writing. I would have sat with a handsome husband and a wedding ring as a tiny handcuff that trapped both of us. The breaks heal. The light comes through. You truly are exactly where you are meant to be.
KW
When I started Alimonia Life I was unsure of the direction, I just knew that I wanted to
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