She’s Never Coming Back

I’m very different now. Overall I would have to say that the new me is improved. It wasn’t easy to reach this point since divorce is an ugly beast. It takes a lot out of you but what gets deposited is of greater value. That is if you do the work.

The old version was unsure of herself and the world around her. I spent too much time seeking approval and wanting to be accepted. If you have ever been there then you know that is a never ending battle. You find yourself in relationships and friendships that you don’t even enjoy. True acceptance comes from within and anything else is temporary. Once you learn to appreciate who you are then you will not be concerned about what others think of you.

I never realized how unhappy I was until I looked back at old photos. Photos don’t lie. It’s amazing how I looked in the mirror every single day but could not see myself as I truly was. Unhappy. Maybe I saw myself as I hoped I could be. Although I had managed to fool myself there were a few people close to me that saw the stress. Happiness is a daily assignment that you must work at. It doesn’t just magically appear because you hope for it.

In the thick of it all, I felt old and tired. I was sick a lot and felt as if I was beyond my years. Anxiety is a warning sign yet I  masked it with ways to calm down. It showed up to alert me that my system was on overload. I thought that I was developing sensitivities to certain foods. Even though I tried to avoid acidic foods my stomach was in turmoil. That was another sign that I was on overload. Yet I pushed on because I’m expected to be strong. Life takes balance and our bodies will let us know when we are out of sync. You can trust it every time.

I used to hate conflict. Then I discovered that if you don’t address issues you will have conflict with yourself. Why didn’t I say something?  Speaking up is an incredible form of self respect. It lets others know where my boundaries lie. To be a part of my life others have to respect my boundaries. It’s just that simple. Anyone who doesn’t respect them doesn’t deserve my time. I can live with that.

The new person that has emerged is happy and healthy. I wasn’t comfortable back then. So there is no way that I could ever be comfortable in my old life again. In many ways, divorce has allowed me to become who I want to be. The work is far from done. I can’t help but be excited about how far I’ve come and where I will go. One thing for sure is that she’s never coming back again.

Regina H