Divorce Relapse?

 Before my divorce, I had been spotting warning signs, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to cut ties with my ex. However, it eventually occurred because it was inescapable. I’ve mourned, changed, recovered, and moved on. In fact, the fact that I wasn’t really thinking about her again or missing her convinced me that everything had ended. 

Not only that, but I’ve also come to terms with myself and dealt with all the other circumstances that arose after the separation. Even if things have not been ideal since the divorce, they have not been particularly horrible either. I’ve learned the art of being alone, so I don’t anticipate being with anyone anytime soon. Even if I was hoping to be with someone else, it would not be my ex again.

So it came as a shock the first time I received her message on WhatsApp. She greeted me, and I replied casually. After that, I dropped my phone and went to do some other tasks. I checked my phone later, and I saw 16 messages from her. I knew something was wrong immediately because she does that when she is trying to communicate or offload some things from her mind. Basically, all that the messages revolved around was what I did wrong when we were together. She listed all my bad acts, exaggerated some, and fabricated others.

I must admit that some of the accusations were true, and I apologized immediately. I tried to let her know how deeply sorry I was and that she should let it all go, but she was not going to stop. The next day, I received several voice messages from her. The shortest duration was 3 minutes. I texted her immediately that I wouldn’t be able to listen to those voice notes until later. I played the voice notes when I was not busy and I couldn’t believe all that she recorded.

60% of what she said was not how it actually happened. She recounted many incidents, arguments, and fights that occurred between us. She focused on painting me as a bad person and said that most issues were my fault. I didn’t know how to react because a part of me was angry and I was so sad at the same time. This mixture of feelings left me speechless. I loved her, and I never intended to hurt her. 

This went on for days and it was the same discussions. Millions of questions kept popping into my head. Why now? Am I really a bad person? Were the occurrences really my fault? Did I cause the divorce? What of all that she did wrong to me? But I wasn’t ready to argue or explain myself, especially not to her. So I sent my usual sorry message to her. After she read my message, she said she was not interested in the apology and went on to say how she had been unable to move on. I was surprised because I believed she had moved on before me. I can clearly remember that she initiated the divorce, and she was already with someone by the end of the divorce. I do not want to assume or be too forward, but her messages were sending only one message: she wanted to link up. I wasn’t going to do that, so I was feigning ignorance. This went on for days between us, and it was the same set of discussions—her guilt-tripping me and telling me she had not been able to get over us. But I wasn’t going to relapse. I stood my ground, and I didn’t let all the talks make me reconsider, because I believed that was the best thing for me.

Am I selfish with my decision? No and I am not sorry about that. I feel that’s one of the best decisions I have ever made.

 Joseph Abdalla