Can’t Decide if it’s Time to Divorce?
If you’ve been contemplating divorce chances are you’ve not been considering it lightly. And, you shouldn’t. There’s the old adage that you shouldn’t make a permanent decision over temporary pain. This is certainly true. Most divorced people would attest that they thought long and hard before making the tough decision to divorce. And, you should too.
There are some clear signs it is time to divorce, or that divorce should at least be an option. If you have some of the following things going on in your marriage, this can make the decision a little more obvious to you:
Domestic violence
Abuse of any kind: Verbal, physical, sexual, spiritual, cultural, financial
Lack of intimacy
Consistent or unresolved conflict
Moving in separate directions or “growing apart”
Loss of love, respect, or interest in one another
Lack of effort or support
Cheating or lack of trust
Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, or other addictions
But what if you still aren’t sure or there aren’t any huge red flags? What if you are just thinking it might be time for divorce? The decision weighs heavily on your heart and mind and you just don’t know what decision would be best?
Though my marriage was riddled with huge red flags, I still struggled to make my decision to end my marriage. And you may be feeling this way too whether or not those red flags are flying high. Let’s take a look at a few things that may help you to decide if it is time to divorce, to get individual or couples therapy, or try some other resolution that may save your marriage.
Take Your Time
Unless there are some pressing issues such as abuse, neglect, or a legal issue that means you must make a decision quickly, it is ok and even recommended to take the time to think over your decision. Weigh the good and the bad, the pros and cons if you will, to remind yourself of what you love and don’t love about your marital partnership.
Sometimes simply seeing on paper all of the good can sway you to fight for your relationship. Other times, even if there’s only one or a few things on the “bad list” those things outweigh the good. Only you can weigh these with your heart and mind and feel at peace with your decision to divorce your partner.
As a piece of advice; be careful who you discuss all of this with because what you share in moments of pain may make it hard for you to find the support you need when you’ve made your decision. Try to keep the circle small of those who you trust enough to discuss the intimate details of your marriage. Consider a professional, as well.
Consider Your and Your Partner’s Needs
Similarly to weighing both sides of this decision, it may help to also analyze what you and your partner both need. According to a Woman’s Day article “Should You Get a Divorce? 10 Signs Your Marriage Is Over, According to Experts,” two significant reasons people get divorced is that they feel their lives are moving in separate directions or they simply have grown apart, no longer sharing the same values and goals. If you and your partner want very different things, it can sometimes be the kindest solution to allow each other to move forward without the bonds of marriage keeping two no-longer-compatible people tied to each other.
Seek Professional Help
Professional help may be multifaceted and you, alone, can decide what type of professional help will best aid you in making such a life-altering decision.
A religious leader or minister
Your medical doctor if you are struggling to sleep or manage the stress of this decision
A therapist
A support group
Reading materials, books and articles on the subject
A life coach
Work on Your Self-Care
When you are contemplating a huge decision in your life it can affect your mental health, your emotional health, your social interactions with others if you tend to isolate, or it may bring on new difficulties for you like poor sleep, gnawing headaches, or panic and anxiety.
This is the time for positive self-talk. For taking care of your physical needs, your emotional comfort, and your self-image. It’s hard to walk around with this decision weighing heavily on your heart yet acting with family, friends, your partner and your children like nothing is wrong. You may even feel as if you are lying to them.
Asking for help and taking a little quiet time to tend more attentively to your own needs may help you to feel more confident in your decision.
Ask Yourself What it Would Take to Save Your Marriage
Lastly, this decision is a big one to make and even with a great support system in place, you may feel conflicting emotions about giving up, quitting, or walking out. I use these words because that is likely how you are feeling about it on the inside. Well, ask yourself, if you were to give it everything you had to save your marriage, what would that look like? What steps would need to be taken by you, by your partner, by the two of you together? Are both parties willing to take these steps to possibly save the relationship?
If this is something you want it is more than ok to take one last effort to ask your partner for what you need. Make the time away from the stresses of your home and responsibilities, and without the children around to hear, to sit down with your partner and talk as calmly as possible about your marriage. Tell them what you think you both need to do to save the relationship and give each other some time to consider this.
A trial separation can also help you to get a little more acclimated to how you are feeling about filing for divorce and going your separate ways.
We Are Here for You!
Best of luck to you as you make this difficult decision of whether or not it is time to divorce. We hope that our divorce-centric articles and materials may be of help to you while you contemplate divorce or go through the process to dissolve your marriage. Join our community here and begin your support circle today so you won’t have to go through this alone.
Christina M Ward