Are There Boundaries In Forgiveness?

Recently I encountered boundaries again and this seems to be a reoccurring theme in my divorce.  I am always one to forgive and sometimes it has led to confusion in exactly what that means.  I have read books on the power of forgiveness and how your soul rests easier. When you let go and forgive people unconditionally while they are learning life, making mistakes, or have had different upbringings, etc.  However my confusion rested in forgiving and letting people start over and continue their same emotionally abusive patterns. 

My ex recently asked “Why are you so angry with me and why can't you forgive me?”.   She asked me why I blocked her from my friends list on Facebook. I had seen many instances of her posting false information, private information ( divorce papers) on Facebook for all to see publicly.   So I wrote back and said that she can't be trusted in my network of friends based on her history and actions. I said that I would not unblock her and that's when she said “Why can't you forgive me?” I replied that I have forgiven her but I have strong boundaries now. Forgiveness and boundaries can exist together.  Boundaries are healthy and do not mean that I don't forgive her.  I am just wiser about where and who I want to spend my time and energy.

It's a weird mix, because I can see from certain angles how a boundary can still mean you are holding something against somebody from past experiences.  It's true, but once you've been through a pattern enough you become wiser and have to respect yourself more.  Hmm...what's a good analogy?  Maybe eating food that you know makes you sick every time.  You want to let go fully knowing the consequences because it feels good just to not care.  Eventually with enough destructive behavior to your digestive system and overall health, you set a boundary and say I will not eat that food any more.  I'm done.  For me it’s a pattern of self destructive behavior and I feel better without it.  Haha. I’m not sure if that is the best analogy, but I think it works.

Anyway, I hope this helps someone.  Forgiveness is necessary and I think it can get confusing for the person who forgives often for the sake of avoiding confrontation.  Forgive, but keep boundaries that are compassionate to yourself.  Life is short and too short to be caught up in drama.

Mr. Z

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