When Your Ex is Harassing You
If Google brought you here—I feel you. Back in the days when my ex was harassing me so much at work, at home, and pretty much everywhere I went, the internet was still a baby and I don’t even know if Google was around or not. So, if Google brought you here for help…thanks Google.
Help! My ex won’t leave me alone!
When is it considered harassment?
How do I get a protection order?
My ex is harassing me on Facebook
Whatever search you did to bring you here, we’re happy to help. Because there is nothing quite like being harassed, threatened, followed, and otherwise intimidated by an ex who simply can’t get on with their life. It’s scary. It’s frustrating. And it can often be difficult to find help.
What Harassment Looks Like
Harassment can be small, manipulative things, or big outlandish behavior, and a whole lot of things between—all designed with several core purposes:
To keep you from being happy (without them)
To keep you from moving on (without them)
To punish you (from trying to do the above, without them)
To control your behavior or stay “relevant” in your life (If they can’t have you then no one else can, right?)
Harassment, as defined by law, might look slightly different state by state. So, if you are being harassed by your ex in any way—verbal, physical, online or otherwise—then you’ll need to look up harassment laws and the legal measures you can take in your state.
Your state lawmakers will have laid out the parameters your situation must meet in order for you to file an order of protection in your state, and how that order of protection is enforced under the law.
Examples of Harassment
Harassment looks like a lot of things but basically it is behavior that is meant to upset or intimidate you. Here are some examples of harassment (and keep in mind some behaviors may also qualify as stalking.)
Following you
Watching you or your property
Making verbal or physical threats to you
Calling you a lot (even when you ask them not to) and this escalates if they are upset with you
Showing at or calling your workplace
Coming onto your property uninvited, or driving by your home a lot, or leaving you unwanted “gifts” or notes
Contacting the people in your life to try and find out more about what you are doing
Cyber stalking — stalking your social media pages, making fake accounts to watch your online behavior, or sending unwanted messages online
Cyber bullying — Embarrassing you or trying to ruin your reputation using social media apps, rallying support against you, getting your social media accounts blocked or banned, etc.
When You Don’t Want to Take Legal Action
There are legal actions you can take either where you live or by utilizing protective tools on social media sites, but what if you just want to de-escalate and move on quietly? You just want the scary behavior to stop?
There are a few things that you can do short of filing criminal charges or seeking a restraining order.
Ask Them Calmly to Leave You Alone
In many states you must express your desire to be left alone prior to the filing of any kind of charges. How you do this can either escalate the situation or make it clear that you are moving on and want them to do so as well. Make your wishes known and be very clear and straightforward. Then, do not engage, at all, or respond to any further attempts to contact you.
De-Escalate the Situation
It might seem silly to mention that you need to leave them alone, as well, but these are often high-stress times with a lot of intense emotion on both parts.
Do not reach out to them.
Do not agitate them or engage with their erroneous behavior.
Change shared spaces—your gym, place of worship, or hang out spot—while things are tense.
Do not send your ex any mixed signals.
Cut any ties that keep you bound to your ex and move on with your life.
If you must communicate with your ex, keep the language neutral and calm. (Research de-escalation tactics.)
You may have heard the phrase “don’t pour fuel on the fire,” right?
Get Some Therapy for Yourself
Therapy can work wonders when you are going through a tough situation. Therapy provides support, gives you an unbiased and well-trained perspective, and can help you to work on the traumas or internal conflicts you have going on so that you can grow and heal. Keep in mind—the best “revenge” if you will, is to get out there and live your best life, without the drama and pain and turmoil of what’s going on with your ex.
It may take some time for you to sever the emotional and mental ties (“hold”) your ex has on you. A therapist can help you to gain this emotional freedom and make better choices moving forward—ones that are healthy for you and build you up rather than keeping you subservient or intimidated or abused.
Block Their Number
Once you tell your ex to stop calling, then block their number on your phone. Here are some instructions on how to do that with your cell phone. Once you have their number blocked, delete the contact from your phone.
Block them Across All Social Media Accounts
There’s only so long you can deal with the notifications and symbols that tell you your ex has sent you a new Snap, or a Facebook message, or is liking all of your new Instagram pictures. Each of these social media apps allow you to block other accounts. There are also reporting measures you can take. Use these tools to place a barrier between your accounts and your ex’s accounts.
It’s tempting to want to “show off” your new and happier life—without them— but understand this can escalate their behavior. It’s best to simply cut ties.
Move or Change Jobs
While this seems extreme, it may be time for a fresh start anyway. Perhaps memories of the ex are lingering around your workplace, your home, or places you always went together. If you feel like a fresh start may help, then I leave you with a quote that has inspired me in hard times such as these:
“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.”
― Henry David Thoreau
What this means is that when you are brave and move toward your own dreams and vision for your life, and simplify your life around those goals, then everything else in your life seems to follow suit. Be authentic and brave in your life. Do those things you’ve always dreamed of doing. And the more you assert this level of control over your own life the less you will pay attention to relationships that are now over. And the less you’ll need to open those unread messages from your ex. And—the less they will bother you.
Move to a new city, a new job, a new school—whatever gives the power and the freedom back to you. It’s not running away if you are running towards a better life.
If Things Don’t Improve—Seek Legal Action
When I left a marriage years ago, I had trouble with an ex who harassed me, intimidated and bullied me, and threatened to do physical violence to me. Because his behavior was criminal (and he’d assaulted me before) I was able to go to the courthouse in the county where I lived and file what’s called a 50-B Restraining Order or a DVPO (Domestic Violence Protective Order).
The laws are a little different from state to state, (This is the info for North Carolina, for example) so again, call your local police department or contact a lawyer or go to the courthouse and ask some questions. If you feel you are in danger and need protection—don’t stop asking questions until you get some form of protection in place.
If You Are in Immediate Danger
Call 911 or call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
Join Our Family Here at Alimonialife
What do we do here at Alimonialife? We are a team of people who have been through divorce and have faced a lot of what you are facing now. Visit our blog and join our community to shore up your support system today. If your ex is harassing you or if you are going through a messy divorce, no matter what you’re going through, you’ll find incredibly helpful resources right here on Alimonialife.
Christina M Ward