How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist
You hear a lot about narcissism these days. But not every self-absorbed person you meet is actually a narcissist. The Narcissistic Personality Disorder condition is far more complex than that and requires a medical diagnosis to confirm.
That being said, your ex may be a narcissist or have narcissistic tendencies, which can make it difficult to co-parent with them and put your children at risk for emotional turmoil. So, today we’re taking a look at the complexities of co-parenting with a narcissist.*
What Is a Narcissist?
A narcissist is a person who suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD. The disorder can be mild to severe and can make it difficult for the narcissist to create healthy relationships. Logically, this includes one’s ability to parent properly.
“Narcissism is characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, a need for excessive admiration, and the belief that one is unique and deserving of special treatment.” – Psychology Today
What Is a Narcissistic Parent?
A narcissistic parent is one who suffers from NPD. Because the disorder can cloud the narcissist’s mind to the needs of others, it can make parenting more challenging.
The narcissist may find it harder to take notice of, prioritize, and address the needs (especially emotional needs) of their children. They may also unintentionally transpose the harsh effects of their manipulative personality traits onto their children.
This can make it difficult for children to:
Navigate the expectations of their narcissistic parent.
Ask for what they need.
Resist feeling obligated to provide happiness, comfort, praise, admiration, or attention to the narcissist.
Be themselves or demonstrate independence confidently.
Process complex emotions related to the narcissist’s behavior.
Understand their potentially toxic home environment.
Fortunately, with today’s availability of therapeutic options, narcissists and their ex-partners can be aware of these things and work to improve the parental relationship and make it a practice of prioritizing and addressing the children’s needs, while creating a safe emotional environment and healthy communication practices within the family unit.
“Narcissistic parents are incredibly possessive, critical, and controlling of their children. These parents fear children becoming independent and will humiliate and shame them to prevent this from happening. Being raised by narcissistic parents may result in poor self-esteem, over-achieving tendencies, or self-sabotaging behaviors in adulthood.” – Nakpangi Thomas, PhD, LPC, TITC-CT
What Is Co-Parenting?
Following a divorce, the children are often in a co-parenting situation. Meaning, that each parent carries a certain portion of the responsibility of rearing the children.
The Most Effective Co-Parenting
Puts the children’s needs first. (Even when you’re hurting and that’s hard to do.)
Doesn’t place blame on the children for loving the other parent.
Includes empathy, fairness, consistency.
Involves respectful and clear communication.
Adheres to a written agreement (usually by the court, but parents can choose to work out the agreed-upon details on their own or with a mediator.)
Isn’t self-serving.
Creates a healthy environment where children can grow and flourish.
Meets the physical, mental, spiritual, educational, and developmental needs of each child involved, equally.
Requires patience. De-escalation skills can be quite valuable.
Can be easier with therapeutic support.
Why Narcissism Can Complicate Co-Parenting
Just because a parent has narcissism does not mean that they are a bad person or a bad parent. People with NPD are often great leaders and community organizers. They can be charming and friendly, despite what you may have heard on Tik Tok. You might know and love several people who have NPD.
The difference, here, is that co-parenting with a narcissist can be a little complex.
You have to navigate the potential of offending the narcissist. You have to give them the right amount of attention (empathy) in your conversations with them or they can become difficult. And you have to do all of this while keeping a safe emotional distance and communicating pertinent information about your children.
It can be tiresome.
But, your children need you to do this work. Parenting, like many other things, is a skill that can be learned, practiced, and improved – and this goes for both you, and your narcissistic ex.
Quiz: Perhaps, you think you may be the narcissist?
How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist
The phrase “co-parenting with a narcissist” may seem an oxymoron, or sound impossible, but it is not. As much as you are able to work with your ex, improvement can be found. While you work to heal yourself, you can also work to provide reasonable parenting that is child-focused and appropriate.
First thing’s first: This is not about the narcissist.
You may not be able to convince the narcissist of this, nor might it benefit you or anyone to try and change this part of the narrative – the narcissist’s “truth” often being self-serving and non-inclusive of the needs of the children – but you can be an ever-present gentle reminder to keep the kids’ needs foremost.
Like I said before, simply being a narcissist doesn’t mean that you cannot – or they cannot – parent effectively. But the disorder may make it harder to take notice of the children’s needs when they arise. Ideally, you and the narcissist ex would be able agree upon the common ground that the kids come first, and your gentle insight and guidance may prove helpful.
If the narcissist is open about their condition and is willing to work with you, an honest line of communication may be helpful to address the kids’ needs, together.
Consider this a season of learning.
There are lots of books out there on the subject of narcissism. You may find that some of these reads help you to put pieces together that make you a more empathetic, yet fair and objective parent.
Here are a few notable ones:
If you prefer audiobooks, don’t forget to check your Libby or Hoopla apps for audiobooks on narcissism, co-parenting, and on healing after your divorce.
Lastly: Remind your children that they are loved.
When children go through divorce, their emotional confusion is compounded by their own self-detrimental internal dialogue. Remind them that you love them. That their other parent also loves them. Remind them that you are here to listen. Ask questions without guiding the answers. Let your children be real and true with you. Let them feel safe opening up to you.
Tips for Co-Parenting with a Difficult Ex
Parenting with a difficult ex, narcissist or no, is challenging for anyone. You have to keep your emotional health, well-being, and self-esteem intact. All while doing one of the toughest jobs in the world – parenting! Which brings me to our list of tips for co-parenting with a difficult ex:
Practice healthy coping skills so you can manage your own experience.
Remember that co-parenting is hard, but you can get better at it with practice.
Do not get entangled with unruly or outlandish behavior, nor get baited into arguing in front of the children.
Practice de-escalation tactics.
When in doubt, seek advice from professionals like your medical doctor, therapists, or spiritual advisors.
Keep interactions with your ex brief and child-focused.
Be very clear in communication. Document communications if needed.
Adhere to the legal requirements of your divorce settlement.
Choose your battles – The narcissist may stand their ground on something that may seem silly to you. Keeping the peace (conceding to their unrealistic but possibly harmless demand) may be more important to you in that moment over “winning.” It can often feel like a series of battles, but you can choose to allocate your attention and energy.
Be patient. Co-parenting doesn’t last forever and what really matters is the guided growth and safety of your children. Try to meet the narcissist on the common ground of shared love for the children.
Join further discussions on the blog for Alimonialife, where we cover topics like How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist, How to Heal After Your Divorce, and other topics of interest.
*Disclaimer: Here at Alimonialife, we are not medical professionals, but divorcees who have ‘been there.’ We share our experiences and our research with you, but defer to medical professionals for diagnosis or treatment.
Christina M Ward