How Can You Heal from Abuse?
Once the divorce is finalized you may find yourself in a predicament; one that you hadn’t planned for. You realize this when the flashbacks of abuse you’ve suffered creep into your daytime thoughts, into your dreams, or worse – they prevent you from moving on after your divorce. They affect you emotionally, and sometimes even physically.
Healing from abuse isn’t something that happens overnight. When I was coming out of my abusive decade-long marriage, my mother said something to me that’s stuck with me even all these years later: “You didn’t get like this overnight, and you won’t be healed up overnight. It’s going to take some time to heal.”
Just because your divorce is over – doesn’t mean that your pain is. Today, we’re going to address how you can get started to heal your abuse. So you can breathe better. So you can sleep better. So you can get on with your life and this pain does not consume you. And for a lot of people – so you can be the parent you really need to be right now.
Abuse Creates Trauma – Traumas Can Be Healed
The good news about trauma is that once we identify the pain, we can work to heal it. We can’t go back and magically make our ex not hurt us in the ways they did, and we may not even be able to understand their behavior, but we can work on the parts of ourselves that are still hurting.
But where should we begin?
First, it may require the work of an expert to help you, but try to identify the abuse and call it what it is. Admitting the abuse is often the first step in walking the path to healing.
Related Reading – How to Leave an Abusive Marriage - for Good
Types of Abuse
There are many different types of abuse, though they are all quite painful, each may require a slightly different path to healing. A licensed therapist can help you to identify the abuse, identify the modern-day triggers you experience, and help you to develop a plan for addressing both the trauma and the triggers.
The Social Care Institute for Excellence, based in the UK, details some of these types of abuse. Here are some of the types of abuse you may have experienced, accordidng to the SCIE website:
Physical Abuse
Assault – hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, hair-pulling, biting, pushing
Rough handling
Scalding, burning or other physical punishments
Making someone purposefully uncomfortable (An example of this would be when my ex locked me out of the house at night while I was only wearing a nightgown – it was snowing.)
Forced isolation or confinement or restraint
Misuse of medication (e.g. over-sedation)
Forcible feeding or withholding food
Note that all of these are examples of physical abuse. There are other types of abuse you may have experienced in your marriage, such as psychological abuse, sexual abuse, or financial abuse. Here are a few examples of each:
Sexual Abuse
Rape, attempted rape, coerced rape, sexual assault, unwanted touch
Demanding sexual favors
Any sexual activity without consent or the the capacity to consent
Sexual teasing or harassment
Unwanted sexual photography or exposure to pornography
Forced participation in sex with others
Psychological or Emotional Abuse
Enforced social isolation
Controlling your communications
Invasions of privacy
Intimidation, coercion, humiliation, bullying, swearing or verbal abuse
Name calling
Threats of harm or abandonment
Financial Abuse
Theft of money or possessions
Fraud, scamming
Misuse of a power of attorney or other legal authority
Taking your paycheck or refusing to allow you access to the bank accounts
Read more about the types of abuse: Types and indicators of abuse
Identifying the abuse does several things for you.
Healing begins with admitting the truth. This is really, really hard for some people to do but you cannot heal what you cannot admit. It begins with saying – This happened to me, but I can and will get through it.
It helps to understand the types of abuse so you can find your triggers. Triggers are modern-day events, words, or behaviors in others that spring us back to the pain of the original abuse. For example, if you weren’t previously aware of the financial abuse your ex did to you, then you may not understand why you’re having some problems managing your money now without emotional meltdowns or high anxiety at the checkout counter, for example.
Addressing the Trauma
You may want to begin a journal so you can document memories that seem to be recurring. These can be addressed in therapy or by meditation, inner work, or prayer. You can write down your feelings and notate any triggering events that seem to be bothering you. This journaling of honest real-life responses can help empower you that this is YOUR healing. YOUR life. YOUR work. And doing this work – preferably with but even without a therapist – can empower you to take control of your own healing. Furthermore, it can help you to be mindful of making safe and wise choices for your heart moving forward.
Healing from abuse, make no mistake here, is work. Real work. But if you survived your abuse…then you know you are strong. And you can do this.
Related reading – Dealing With Anger After Divorce
Healing from Abuse
No one wants to be an abuse survivor, but if you are, then go ahead and lose that word victim. You have been victimized, yes, but this does not mean that for the rest of your life you are a victim.
I know this. I know this because I was a victim for 12 years of domestic, sexual, emotional, financial, and extreme psychological abuse – but I’m here today, whole! Happy! Productive! Successful! And you can do this, too. Today, I am not a victim. I am a powerful, strong, confident, and gifted woman who is blessed beyond measure. But this didn’t happen overnight – just as my mom predicted.
It took years for me to heal. And some of the work isn’t complete. I still have PTSD that’s managed rather well with self-care and mindful healthy living. But sometimes, those old pains come back, still.
You may never be the same after the abuse. Let’s just be honest about that. You won’t be the same because you’ll be better.
What it takes is this: doing the work to heal from abuse. No matter how long it takes. No matter how much it hurts or how many tears it takes to cleanse you. Here are some tips to help you on this journey to heal from abuse:
It is strongly advisable to get a therapist – especially when you are still in crisis mode and having trouble getting through your days and nights. You may need medical assistance to pull through the roughest part of your healing. This is OK!
Work on your support system. Trusted family and friends. Support groups. Put yourself on the path to healing by surrounding yourself with people who have been there, done it, and who you admire for their strength. You can learn a lot from these mentors. Plus, no one should have to suffer alone!
Take your time. Healing takes time. You won't walk this journey overnight.
Do some research. Learn what you can about how to manage triggers and how to advocate for your own wellness.
Take excellent care with your mental health moving forward. This means forgiveness for yourself. It means being kind to yourself. It means being patient with yourself or asking for help when you need it. It’s ok to not be ok all of the time. Breathe deeply, over and over, when things get rough, and keep on moving. Eventually all that forward movement will leave more and more of your trauma…behind you.
Your Takeaway Today
There are several reasons you need to work on healing from abuse rather than simply shoving it all to the back of your mind and moving on – as tempting as it may be to do that. You have your life to live, groceries to get, the car to service, the kids to look after, bills to pay – but what is shoved aside will continue to resurface in your life.
Taking the time to heal from abuse – even if you think you don’t have the time – can set you free to love yourself and others so much more fully. In fact, it can spin the world into a place of beauty, color, and opportunity – all at your fingertips, now that you’re free.
Christina M Ward