“She’s just a friend, she’s just a work colleague, you have nothing to worry about!” This was the repeated reassurance I was given by my now ex-husband regarding the emotional affair he was having. All the signs where there, but I didn’t want to believe them. In my heart I thought divorce was something that happened to other people. It would never happen to me. I felt certain that my husband and I where going to see our children grow up, that we would continue to build a beautiful life together. We would grow old together. I was blindly optimistic believing that any struggles we where having where, “ just a bad patch.” Looking back it’s clear that I didn’t want to face reality. That’s probably because the gravity and pain of the real situation was too much for me to bare.

Then in April 2019 my husband sat me down and said, “ I don’t want to be with you anymore!” He had fallen in love with his ‘friend’ and our marriage was over. My whole world crumbled, I did not want to accept it. I kept begging him to stay, crying at his feet, I had no dignity. I literally pleaded with him not to do this to our family. I couldn’t fathom a life without him, I couldn’t imagine my children being the children of a divorced home. We went to see a therapist on how to split amicably, and after two minutes in her office it became clear to her that separating from my husband wasn’t even in my mind. I will never forget. She said, “Usually I encourage people to work on their marriages, but in this case I won’t. You see if one person wants in and the other person wants out, the one who wants to stay will be emotionally abused.” After about a month of being separated and still living in the same house, I found a townhouse close to the family home and moved in with my children. My estranged husband would come by every day to see the kids. It was difficult for them, however that’s a subject for another day.

I tried my best to hold it together, but I was completely broken and desperate. I fell into a deep depression. I have vivid memories of being on my knees on the floor and just crying until I couldn’t breathe. It was a very dark time. So dark that one day after I dropped the children at school I went home, took a hand full of tranquillizers and got into bed. I was hoping I could sleep until my life was different. That’s how I landed up in a psychiatric hospital. Sounds shocking to say, but honestly it was the best thing that could have happened to me at that point. I was clearly not coping on my own, and I needed help. In the clinic I saw a psychologist and a psychiatrist every day. I also participated in all the group sessions, in which we did some great work on setting boundaries and dealing with grief.

Three day’s in, someone moved into my room at the clinic and I thought, “Oh boy, I don’t know if I’m up for a room mate.” However we immediately hit it off and as she was talking about her home, I put two and two together and realized that we where living in the same townhouse complex. When my week of therapy was done I was evaluated and set free to cope on my own. I felt calmer and stronger and I had the correct medication to assist me in my healing. When I got home I received a WhatsApp…it was from my clinic friend and it simply read, “Smile and wave” I looked out my window and it turned out we lived right across the parking lot from each other. What are the chances right? Being friends with her meant I made friends with my other neighbors too. Two of which where single moms who where also going through divorce. As they say, birds of a feather flock together. My relationship with these amazing women is what saved me. We where all on the same journey and experiencing the same things in varying degrees. We would cry and rant and laugh and drink wine and cry some more. I slowly started to heal.

I slowly started piecing myself together. I found a job, I started having a social life, I gradually became used to seeing less of my beautiful amazing children, as my ex and I decided to co-parent 50/50. I even started to date casually and it felt good to remember that I was still a desirable women. Even if it was not to the person I had loved the most. It’s two years down the line now and I’m not going to lie, there are still days when I feel broken. There are still times when I’m filled with regret. There are still times when I wish things turned out differently. There are still times when I miss the man I used to know. However those times are becoming less and less. I have had to learn to accept the ‘other women’ as my children’s stepmother. I have had to learn to accept only seeing my kids every second week. I have had to learn to navigate the challenges of co-parenting with my ex. I have had to make a paradigm shift in the way that I think.

I wanted to share this with you, not to give advice, because we all have our own process. I wanted to share this with you so that you can see that no matter how desperate the space you are in. No matter how crushed you feel. There is hope. I promise you! Things will not always be this way. Bit by bit you will start to feel stronger, you will cry less and laugh more. You will make new friends. You will remember who you are. You’ll be okay with defining yourself in a new way. You will move forward. You will amaze yourself with how far you’ve come and how much you’ve overcome.

Leigh Stewart

“ Have patience with yourself, nobody ever got better over night. You’ll get wherever you need to be in time. For now remember that every day that you survive is a step forward, and you have survived many tough days that you thought wouldn’t pass. Be proud of yourself and keep going”- Unkown

When I started Alimonia Life I was unsure of the direction, I just knew that I wanted to
create a safe space for anyone who found themselves on the road to divorce.
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