One of the least discussed types of marital abuse is financial abuse. But, what is financial abuse? What are some financial abuse examples? Is healing from financial abuse possible? How do you even get started?

As someone who has been there, I’ve (sadly) a lot of experience in this area. Financial abuse left me wiped out, feeling discombobulated and insecure, and hopeless about my financial future. I had issues for years about trusting other people anywhere near my finances – and honestly, that part may never change. But I did get back on my feet financially. 

Today, here at Alimonialife, where you can read stories of real-life people navigating divorce, I’m sharing my story of financial abuse and answering some of your big questions about how to overcome this very real form of control and abuse.

And trust me – this divorce, this breakup, and the mess they left you in – you have the power to heal it. Let’s get started on that, today, and get you feeling more confident about your future.

What Is Financial Abuse?

I was with my ex for nearly a decade. For much of that time, I thought that financially he was a good provider, even when times were tough or ends weren’t easy to meet. In fact, I trusted him with the finances as it was one less thing for my anxious mind to deal with. This, I learned years later, was a huge error in judgment. 

It took me a long time of self-doubt and ignoring my instincts before I finally had to admit something was wrong with the situation. And even longer to figure out that he was using the finances to keep me dependent, and to hide some terrible secrets. I wasn’t allowed to see a single bank statement the entire time we were together.

Looking back, having walked into that relationship with fairly stable finances and some assets of my own and walked out of it with next to nothing, I realized that financially, I’d been chasing a carrot that wasn’t even there. By his sleight of hand and clever maneuvering, I’d been quietly relieved of nearly everything I owned, simply because my partner was afraid I’d leave if I were empowered financially. I was sapped of my finances, used for the assets I had, and my career took a backseat for so long it ceased to be a career. 

One week before I left my partner we were house hunting. He drove me to house after house as we dreamed aloud together. The last thing we needed was to add a little extra to his bank account to show we had several months of bills in the bank. This looks good to the lenders and will help us get our house. Don’t you love this place? Isn’t it beautiful? Your chair should go right here… So, I sold my car and gave him the money. 

When I ended the relationship and left him a week later (a story for another day) I discovered the bank account was in the red, and that there had never been any money there for buying a house. No down payment, which I’d been told we had. No car sale money to beef up the account. Nothing. And he’d walked me all around those houses, a dreaming, oblivious fool.

In another relationship, I was reminded of my financial inability to take care of myself nearly daily – in case I ever got the stupid notion to leave the physical and mental abuse he subjected me to. I left that relationship, finally, and with nothing but my clothes, and my children, and an unhealthy case of emotional PTSD from all the trauma.

The moral of this story – financial abuse can be subtle, or it can be blatant and controlling. Either way, you have to keep your eyes open to it when it is there, or you could end up wiped out and destitute (which, by the way, is better than living with abuse, I’ve learned).

Types of Marital Abuse

There are several types of abuse in marriage, of which financial is one:

• Physical abuse, domestic violence

• Sexual

• Psychological / Emotional / Gaslighting

• Financial 

• Neglect, intimacy withholding

• Exploitation & manipulation

• Abandonment (physical and emotional)

• Spiritual abuse

• Technological abuse

• Controlling resources like food or access to bathing or sleeping

• Narcissistic abuse 

• And what I like to call the “walking on eggshells” abuse that robs you of your safety and peace  

Not surprisingly, many of these abusive factors co-exist, including financial abuse, which is present in nearly all domestic partner violence situations. There are also several forms of financial abuse.

What are the three types of financial abuse?

• Controlling financial resources and assets in the marriage

• Stealing or misallocating finances, or creating debts in your name

• Interfering with your ability to establish or maintain financial freedom

While examples and severity vary widely, they all have one goal; to empower them and to keep you from having any power of your own. If they can weaken you financially, they can reap the comforts and benefits, while also keeping you from leaving them. 

What’s important is to recognize financial abuse, and take action to protect your finances, your career, and your future.

Financial Abuse Examples

Womenslaw.org has a really great list of financial abuse examples, so we won’t list them all here. But here are some of the ones that shook me when I read them…

• Force you to give them your paycheck?

• Tell you when you can and cannot work? Stalk you at work? Create drama that gets you fired or demand that you quit?

• Demand access to your money or take it without asking?

• Take out credit cards or loans in your name?

• Prevent you from accessing or knowing about the family’s finances?

Read one inspiring life-after-divorce story: Level Up After Divorce: Building a Stronger More Fulfilling Life

Financial Abuse in Marriage

When financial abuse takes place in a marriage it can be emotionally devastating. This is the person who you are supposed to be able to trust. And when you find yourself questioning their truthfulness or intentions, it can leave you feeling hurt and confused. 

What is financial gaslighting?

Which brings me to financial gaslighting. 

“Gaslighting is a common tactic used by narcissists. For example, they might make you second-guess a financial decision or accuse you of being irresponsible with money. They may accuse you of being greedy when they’re actually the ones spending without regard.” — Charlie Health

When your partner is gaslighting your financial spending or doing it to cover their own tracks, the emotional consequences can fill you with insecurity and confusion. This is a time when your instincts are screaming at you that something is wrong – and you should not ignore this.

How Does Financial Abuse Affect a Person?

The short-term effects I’ve mentioned:

• Confusion

• Hopelessness

• Emotional conflict and pain

• Feelings of being trapped

• Feelings of insecurity

But what about your future? Now that you are getting divorced or have finally signed those papers, there are consequences to your well-being, both emotionally and financially. And those things will need your diligent attention to heal.

• Financial loss

• Loss of assets

• Debt

• Uncertainty about your future

• Career stagnation or instability caused by your abuser's actions

• Difficulty establishing your home, job, transportation (etc.) because of the situation your ex has left you in

• Emotional insecurity, lack of trust, anger, resentment, and in some cases, depression or anxiety

I know that you can heal your finances and your heart. Because I have had to do this for myself, and as a single mother. For many years I struggled, but in the end, I am feeling more stable and confident than ever. I now guard my finances and take measures to avoid this type of partner abuse. As the old adage says – Live and learn. 

It took diligent research, reaching out to my support system, some counseling, and a big change to the financial paradigm by which I live. Now – I have a debt spreadsheet. I know what I spend on things and make those decisions confidently. And I value and protect my career so that I have a secure future. It took time, and it’s still a work in progress, but there are valuable resources out there and I have learned to use them.

Healing from financial abuse

If you feel like your partner has been holding the finances in their power, and limiting your financial freedom, perhaps it is time to set a few boundaries and erect safety nets. Once you are free of the situation, it takes a while to rebuild your financial freedom, but it can be done. It’s scary, yes, but empowering. At least it was for me.

Today, I look forward to a future with financial security that’s in my full control. I had to buy a car, a phone, clothing, and shoes, re-establish a career, and rebuild my credit, all while mending my heart from the breakup. And if I can do it – so can you. 

Christina M. Ward

*Disclaimer: Here at Alimonialife, we are not medical or legal professionals, but divorcees who have ‘been there.’ We share our experiences and research with you but defer to medical professionals for diagnosis or treatment, and legal professionals for legal advice.