Swipe left. Swipe right. It can be intoxicating and consuming when you first begin dating again after divorce. It begins with one consideration: How to know when you are ready to date again after divorce. Then, a decision. 

Once you begin using those dating apps and putting yourself out there, it can become all-consuming. Let’s take a look at avoiding dating addiction and how you can be sure you are putting the healthiest version of yourself “on the market.”

How to Know When You Are Ready to Date Again After Divorce

Dating isn’t easy for anyone, but it can be significantly trickier when you are coming off of a divorce. Perhaps you aren’t feeling super confident after all the self-degradation, the trauma, the disappointment, or the emotional and financial strains of getting divorced. Needless to say, there’s some work to be done on yourself and your life before you get back into the dating game. Only you know when you are ready to date again after divorce, but there are some signs of readiness that you can look for.

• You feel you’ve grieved the loss of your marriage and are now ready to move on.

• You aren’t thinking about your ex all the time anymore.

• You accept yourself and are feeling confident in what you want for your life moving forward.

• You know, now, what you need in a partner.

• You’ve learned from the failure of your marriage about how to better communicate and navigate a relationship.

• You are ready to spend romantic time with others without comparing them to your ex.

Dating Addiction | Online Addiction Signs

A word must be said here about dating addiction. A word of caution, that is. Because once you start swiping, it’s pretty easy to begin wrapping your time and yourself up in the power of those swipes. But dating shouldn’t be like a spin of the lottery or a game that we play—it should be a thoughtful and mindful openness to finding someone special who meets our needs and brings us the companionship that adds value to our lives. 

Because online dating can be so helpful to finding someone to love, it can be abused as a tool. And, it can be addictive. Here are a few things to keep in mind when using online dating apps:

• Consider how you feel when using these apps. “Experts say the apps are having a ‘severe’ impact on mental health with 70 percent of singletons feeling anxious or depressed after using them,” reports Daily Mail.

• Consider the time you are investing. As with any other addictive behaviors, how quickly you practice the behavior in relation to your waking and sleeping times, and how often and for what duration you do it during the day can be indicators of an addictive behavior. 

• Be aware of the effects of the “dopamine hit” and the instant satisfaction of swiping.

Take a Break

If you find the dating apps and the search for love to be so intrusive on your life that it is affecting your quality of life, have the self-awareness of knowing when to take a break from dating and dating apps. Even a few days’ break can help you to reset yourself, remind yourself of your own expectations and needs, and get off that dating swingset of emotions for a bit. 

Remember that when you want to find someone new, it can happen more organically. If you present your best self to the world, get involved in things you love, and remain emotionally open to dating or meeting someone new, this can happen without the swiping that’s keeping you up at night. Live your life the best you can and continue with the work you are doing on yourself. Keep up that forward momentum you worked so hard for as you wrapped up your divorce. Take a break from dating and searching and longing…when you need a break from it. 

Lose the Expectations of a Time Frame

Similarly, you must lose the expectations of a time frame for finding your special someone. Finding someone new can take some time, or it can happen when you least expect it. Forcing it can lead to poor decisions and early attachments.

“Many people repeatedly pick the same kind of partners—even though none of those relationships have worked. Or they haven’t really looked at what they are offering, and whether what they want is even available. Perhaps they continue to create fantasy scenarios that aren’t likely to succeed. Then, daunted by too many disappointing losses, they settle too quickly for someone who can’t meet their standards over time. Loneliness can mask logical and effective reasoning.”—Psychology Today, “15 Questions to Help You Decide You're Ready to Date Again”

Re-Centering Yourself

Learning to date again is a process. You will find that spending time with new people may bubble-up some past traumas. It may trigger some gut reactions that aren’t healthy for you. And worse, it may set you back completely with regards to your mental health. Taking those dating breaks and losing your ideas of a time frame will both help, but you also can become so consumed with dating that you, in a sense, forget who you are. 

Re-centering yourself as you seek your new partner is something you will learn to define and practice. Nothing is more attractive or enticing as a person who stands confidently and pleasantly in their own journey. Imagine the butterfly, flitting from one flower to the next, perhaps lingering for a bit in the sun—it is not over-contemplating its next flight, but enjoying the journey of instinct, awareness, and mindfulness. You, too, can do the same. 

How to Stay Centered in Post-Divorce Dating

When your marriage fails and you get divorced, there’s a lot of retrospection. How could I have done this better? Where did my marriage go wrong? Is this the kind of person I want to be in my next relationship? How did I so completely lose myself in my marriage? Who am I now without my ex-spouse?

And who do I want to be now?

If you’re feeling pretty confident you know who you are now and what you want in life—or if you feel this is an ongoing journey and you are on your way—you do need to be able to keep these new definitions of yourself and your life in the forefront of your experience. It’s easy to lose yourself in dating, but the trick is to find yourself as you go through these swipes and dates and new connections. This is, afterall, your experience and you do get some say-so in how that plays out.

Recentering is a little different for everyone. For me, I take the time out in nature where I feel the most safe. I like being mindful of the trees, the changing of the seasons, the whisper of a breeze through the foliage, the wanderings of a bug. I immerse myself in creative projects. I review my accomplishments and work on goal-setting, list-making, and all those other practical things that keep my mind organized and healthy. I practice my self-care and keep my self-talk positive. And most importantly, I do not let the opinions and feedback of others (a common occurrence in dating) from defining how I feel about myself or the trajectory of my life.

Then, when I am strong, powerful, and standing fully in my own truth (without apology!)—I know I can date without being obsessed with finding someone new. I know, then, that I can date without being addicted to dating apps, or falling prey to poor decisions for myself. I know, then, that I am open to finding someone special—but I am perfectly content to not let that vision of love be so all-consuming that it derails my own forward momentum.

When you are centered, confident, and at peace with your life remember this; This is when you are most ready for dating; after divorce, a break-up, or otherwise. If you must become obsessed with finding love, let it be an obsession with finding out how you can love yourself better and more honestly. This is a gift both for yourself and for your potential new partner.

Christina M Ward