One day you are living what you thought was a pretty ok life – then you come home and your husband’s side of the room is cleared out. The drawers of his dresser are half-opened. There’s a note on your pillow and suddenly…it’s just you and the kids.

What happened? What should you do when your spouse abandons you – and the kids?

First off, screaming, crying, feeling utterly overwhelmed with emotion is completely understandable. But you also have a crisis to deal with. Where should you even start?

When Your Spouse Abandons You

What does it mean when your spouse abandons you? Well, there are a few different things this could be. A few reasons it happens and even myriad more scenarios in which it plays out. But no matter how it happens, your body and mind are sent on a whirlwind of activity and emotional distress. You feel completely alone and possibly even hopeless.

See if any of these feel like what you are going through:

• Without warning, your spouse moves their things out of the house.

• There are big warning signs when your marriage is over – but you haven’t wanted to address them. It’s too painful. Then, it’s too late. Regret is a terrible burden.

• You get the phone call, the note, the divorce paperwork and suddenly your whole world turns upside down. What about the kids? How will you break this awful news to them?

The law defines abandonment in this way: “Marital abandonment is when spouse leaves their husband or wife (and sometimes children), severing all ties and financial obligations to their family. In some cases, they work to ensure that they can’t be located. To be considered potentially criminal, this abandonment is done without ‘just cause.’” – What are your options if your spouse abandons you?, Weinman & Associates.

You can, and likely should, consult with an attorney to discuss your potential legal options. Marriage is a binding contract which your spouse has broken. Talk with a lawyer to get advice on finances, divorce, and potential support from your runaway partner. In some cases, abandonment can help you secure custody of your children. Find out the laws in your state by consulting with a divorce attorney.

When Your Husband Runs Away

When your husband or your wife runs away, runs off with someone, or simply walks out on you and the kids, make no mistake, this is a time of crisis. But just because they did something you don’t understand, doesn’t mean you deserve the pain or hurting you and your kids feel. No one deserves that. And you may have no idea what’s going through your now-ex-partner’s head.

There are so many reasons why this happens and those answers won’t be found overnight.

Dig deep and find your greatest strength, because it’s time to get to work.

How to Help Yourself and Your Kids

It’s really easy to panic. You’ve got a lot on your mind and the stress of it all can quickly get to you. Take a deep breath. Let’s take this one step at a time.

• First, talk with your kids. Reassure them that even though things are a little scary, that you are able to work on some of the hard stuff while they commit to talking with you about how they are feeling, as they need. Assure them that everything is going to be ok, even if it feels pretty terrible at the moment. Hug them.

• Then – it’s time for you to take care of business. Put on your superhuman cape and get things done. Make a list of all the things your spouse did – for you, for the kids, for the house. Prioritize each of these tasks. You want to put them in order of what has to be handled immediately and those tasks that can wait.

Now, assess your situation, financially. Make a list of what you and your kids need. Identify the needs and you can make a plan for each. Whatever the financial and security needs are – work on those first.

• Housing, if needed.

• A new bank account.

• A side hustle to bring in extra money, if you need it.

• A food pantry box if you need it.

• Rides to and from activities.

• Care for your children when you are at work, if needed.

Remember, write things down, work through your list one thing (ok, maybe 2-3) at a time, and take deep breaths to help you calm yourself through each tick box.

Healing may come slowly but the immediate needs must be taken care of, even if that means asking for help or breaking a commitment to something outside your immediate crisis. Your social commitments may have to be shelved for a few weeks so you can get the crisis under control.

The main points, here, are these: Don’t panic. Carefully prioritize what must be done first. Ask for help to get those tasks accomplished. Talk with your kids. And lastly:

Take good care of your body and mind during this difficult time. Now is the time to make healthier decisions for yourself, seek therapy, find emotional support in healthy places, and show your kids that even when it really hurts, crisis times – like when your spouse abandons you and the kids – don’t have to be defeating times

Christina M Ward