One thing is for certain; life after divorce can often look very different than that of before your marriage. Suddenly, you find yourself single again, considering what kind of life you will have moving forward, and realizing that the person in the mirror looks very different. The person you feel on the inside is also very different. You are not alone in finding yourself needing to repair your self-esteem after divorce. 

Low self-esteem after divorce is common, but it can be improved! 

Many, many people go through the exact same feeling. It’s understandable as people tend to take the failure of a marriage as a personal failure. As a reflection of their inability to make something work. Today, we’re going to get a few things settled so you can move forward, with your self-esteem and self worth intact after the very real and disappointing dissolution of your marriage.

Self Worth Is Not Based on Your Circumstances

Self worth is something that you always have with you no matter what is going on in your life. When your life is going well and everything feels oh-so-perfect, and the flip-side of that, when nothing at all is going the way you hoped or planned – remember that your self worth is the same in either situation, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Self worth simply means that you are a worthy human being. It is simply the right you have as a living and breathing being to take up space on this planet and to do the best you can to live life the best you can. No failure can take that away from you.

Dr. Kevin Skinner, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is quoted as saying: 

“However, the most important element to remember is self-worth is neither given nor taken, it simply is remembered. Self-worth comes from within. It is something that we are born with and it is only negative life experiences that make us question our sense of worth. Thus, remembering that you are a person of infinite worth and value is critical.” – Divorcesource.com

Your Marital Status Does Not Define You As a Person

We all tend to define ourselves by the things we do, our talents, and by our accomplishments, but self is not those things. Self is that quiet voice in your head that reminds you of those you love or reminds us to pick up the groceries. It’s the things that make us laugh. It’s the sparkle in our eyes when something stirs up emotion and makes us catch our breath and pause.

Our sense of self gets damaged through the dissolution of a marriage, like we aren’t sure who we are anymore, but with time, patience, a little work on ourselves, and oftentimes some therapy, we can get back to feeling more like ourselves. 

Take a little time to try and enjoy the spaces around you, spaces that you now have a little more freedom in to work on yourself. Perhaps you will discover areas of your communication or partnering that may need some work. Take the time to work on these things but allow yourself the patience and self-care you need. Be kind with yourself. You are healing. You may not feel like yourself lately – but isn’t this normal after going through something as significant as a divorce? It’s ok to say that you are not OK – but that you will be. Grieving is a process.

Self-Esteem After Divorce

Building self-esteem after divorce takes time, yes, but you can do it. In 7 Ways to Get Your Self-Esteem Back After Divorce, an article in Psychology Today, Tina Gilbertson LPC gives some great advice for building self-esteem after divorce. She shares that the feelings of shame, sadness, and unworthiness are common after divorce, but that some activities can help to build your self-esteem back up after the “rocky path” of divorce. Here are a few of her tips:

• Focus on your physical health. Start a new esteem-building fitness and wellness regimen.

• Keep those emotions in check by getting some outside help. (There is no shame in therapy to help you process all you are going through.)

• Stop feeling guilty – like worrying the kids will be “irreparably damaged.”

Having gone through divorce myself, these are all great pieces of advice. I would add a few other tips for rebuilding that self-esteem after divorce, keeping your chin up, and moving forward with newfound confidence:

• Self care this thing with absolute self-love. Self care after divorce is so important! Pamper yourself with all the smell-goods in the bath, a new pair of jeans that make you feel fab, and plenty of chill time when the emotions get the better of you.

• Tell yourself each and everyday that you are worthy, you are loveable, and you are trying.

• Set a few short-term goals for yourself to give yourself small accomplishments. This can help you to stay focused on the positives around you.

• Surround yourself with people who believe in you!

The Key Thing Is This

Low self-esteem after divorce is a part of the letting-go process. It is a part of your grieving. Remember that you are looking at yourself through the eyes of disappointment. Perhaps you are speaking to yourself, tainted by hurtful words you still have playing in your head. But the future for you is wide open – for you to find your healing, find your new people, and find your way – on your own terms. 

Christina M Ward