One of the hardest things about life after divorce is missing your ex. In small ways, in big ways, or in the generic way of simply feeling lonely. Because divorce is so emotionally hard – many people try to stay friends with their ex, overshare with the ex, sleep with the ex, and make other decisions that aren’t conducive to moving on after divorce.

So, can you really be friends with your ex? Well, yes, you can with strong boundaries, careful communication, and a shared purpose. But when your ex is blurring the lines, this might be a sign that either they are not ready for this new forged relationship, maybe they don’t respect your boundaries, or they have an unhealthy ulterior motive for trying to stay close to you.

Let’s cover a few helpful tips for when your ex is blurring the lines of your new friendship:

• First, decide if you can trust them to remain friends.

• Make clear your boundaries and some ground rules – or re-express them to an ex who seems to be “forgetting” the new nature of the relationship.

• And lastly, treat them as a friend, not an ex.

Moving On: Life After Divorce 

Psychology Today’s Seth Meyers Psy.D. has a refreshing take on staying friends with your ex. Meyers shares his reasons why this is healthy in his article  Stay Friends After Divorce: Why, Coping, & Moving On: Avoiding friendship with your ex is often about denial. We like how he explained that relationships have something to teach us and the aftermath of divorce can lead us to change the nature of our relationship with someone who we may still care deeply about. Yes,even this challenge has lessons to teach us.

“Too often, men and women end relationships and feel that they made a mistake in choosing the partner they committed to in the past because the relationship didn't work. But such a perspective betrays the bigger picture, that relationships are one of life's greatest classrooms, and it's within this context that we figure out what we need and learn how to move closer to true fulfillment. Barring cases of abuse, learning to forge a friendship with your ex after divorce can be a truly healing experience and allow for an important integration of your past with the present.” – Seth Meyers Psy.D.

One thing we’d add here, however, is that if you try to move on after divorce and forge a new kind of amicable relationship with a “friend” rather than handling your ex as an ex, that you should deal head-on with an ex who isn’t respecting your boundaries. Because when your ex blurs the lines – it can make it difficult for you to move on after divorce. At some point you’ll want to think of dating, possibly, and that will be unchartered territory for both you and the ex.

So, what do you do when your ex blurs the lines? When they don’t seem to respect the new nature of the relationship. Maybe when others are around they make jokes, spill your secrets, act like they know you better than anyone.

Meaning, they initiate a “territory” contest whenever their position in your life seems to be diminishing.

There are a few things you can do to help an ex who is blurring the lines, and help yourself to move on after divorce with the freedom you need to grow in whatever direction you choose.

Consider Your Ex a Friend, Not an Ex

One reason your ex may be blurring the lines of your new relationship is because you are not making it clear. You are still treating them like an ex. Like the partner you used to have. Like someone who still has the ability to move you, sway you, affect you, and in some cases control you. You are still giving them too much information about your everyday life – watch that social media!

First, put your ex on a need-to-know and casual basis. Hold some things back because think about it…would you tell all your friends literally everything going on with you? Likely not. You realize that friends come and go, and there needs to be a measure of restraint with most friends. Treat your ex like a friend you like having in your life – but not as someone who gets to be a part of your entire mental health journey.

So, stop calling your ex at 3 am to confess intimate details of your life – these mixed signals might be causing these blurry lines you’re having between you and the ex. And when you have blurred lines – you’ve got unwanted behavior, conversations and likely drama. This is a recipe for either mental health or emotional friction and all of this will likely impair your ability to move on after divorce.

When Your Ex Won’t Respect Your Boundaries

• Reassess your need to keep your ex in your life as a friend. Is this truly what you need right now?

• Have a talk with your ex to explain that you feel your boundaries are not being respected. Ask if you can talk about healthy boundaries together – and set some you can both respect and adhere to. It may be that there’s been some simple confusion in what’s expected.

• If you can’t come to a mutual agreement that works for the both of you it’s ok to part ways amicably.

Life After Divorce: It Gets Better

It’s quite normal to hold on to the good parts of what you loved about your relationship. But your ex should not be intruding on your personal space or impeding your ability to move on after your divorce. Life after divorce is hard enough without having to press against these intrusions from your ex. But with some time and good communication you can develop a lasting friendship that makes all that water under the bridge flow a little more smoothly. Keep your chin up and keep reading our blog for more great tips on how to move on after a divorce.

Christina M Ward