Looking back on my relationship with my ex-wife I could see red flags that I chose to ignore in the spirit of forgiveness and the idea that everyone has their faults. What I didn't see was a mental illness that was always there but the episodes kept increasing in their frequency and strength as time went on. There comes a point in a relationship where you've tried everything and you can see the future will not be bright if you stay together.

Things started to come apart when I began to say no to her. She tried to control everything and threatened divorce many times. I never thought I would divorce and always felt like it was just another problem to solve. I know relationships can be tough and I was committed. However, after being threatened enough times and putting up with multiple incidents of emotional abuse there was an event that was the final straw. The police came to my door because she felt like I should be arrested for telling her the kids didn't have to go to church with her and could stay home with me. The police ended up arresting her as she admitted she pushed me in the hallway in a rage for saying no to her. At a certain point you realize it's dangerous and unsafe to be with someone who is trying to get you arrested for ridiculous reasons. The other point was maybe a month before when she threatened to divorce me and leave. She said this is it and we are getting divorced. I went to work that night and actually felt good about the idea for the first time. I had had enough.

 I was hoping she would file the paperwork, but she never did. Then after she got arrested, we had a few months of separation and it was clear to me. I had tried to save the relationship about 50 times and there was no hope. At that time I had multiple dreams that guided me and were directing me to choose freedom over trying to fix her or staying in the relationship for the benefit of the kids. I could see clearly see that fighting in front of the kids was not good for their psyche and I could not get my ex to understand that. She didn't care and said that her family fought in front of the kids all the time.

The question is how could I have seen this coming and what can I learn for my next relationship? I think if there are certain red flags, I will be hyper alert to them now. I'm now very protective of my mental state and happiness. I can conceive of a relationship in the future where things are easy, less manipulative, and there is no codependency. Until then, I will work on myself.

Mr. Z

When I started Alimonia Life I was unsure of the direction, I just knew that I wanted to
create a safe space for anyone who found themselves on the road to divorce.
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