Only you know when divorce no longer feels like a “giving up” or a “running away.” Your mind no longer struggles with the decision to release what’s broken and move in a different direction. It’s an acceptance that your marriage is past the point of reconciliation, and you are now prepared to embrace a different path for yourself. 

Only you can determine this for yourself. And, that takes time. If you’re still in that struggle, the stressful back-and-forth of contemplating divorce, then let’s have a no-judgement conversation about it. Maybe you’ll find some encouragement here, or at least feel less alone.

Alimonia Life, shares personal stories, helpful information, and support for anyone considering divorce or going through one. It’s our mission to make sure no one feels alone in this often lonely time. We’re here for you. 

Are You Thinking About Getting a Divorce? 

What do do, really, when getting a divorce begins to take root in your mind? Should you quash the thoughts? Call a therapist? Talk to your spouse about what’s going on with you lately? Or has the time for all that already passed? When is it time to consider divorce as a viable option? Or the healthy one?

If you’re thinking about divorce, or even fantasizing about what your life would be like without your spouse, then clearly, something is amiss. There’s no reason to feel guilty about your thoughts about dissolving your marriage…because your feelings on the matter are valid. And only you can permit yourself to explore the spaces where those ruminations reside.

In other words, simply thinking about divorce doesn’t make you a bad person, or even a bad spouse—in fact, it’s quite normal for married people to have passing thoughts about divorcing their spouse.

Is it Normal to Think About Divorce?

Divorce thoughts and divorce ideation are not uncommon. It’s estimated that over 25% of married people think of divorcing their spouse, but also that many of these folks change their minds. That’s food for thought if you think giving a bit of time and space to your thoughts may lead to them passing by, and a new season of martial interaction unfolding. 

If we’re honest, some of us idealize divorce and talk ourselves out of it or into it again—by lunch every day. The back-and-forth thinking is real, and it’s normal to feel reluctance to make such a huge change in our lives. We hope it will be for the better, but who really knows? It’s this uncertainty that makes divorce contemplation more than a simple question of logic.

Thinking About Divorce: Reddit Edition

It may not surprise you to know that there are a lot of people out there who turn to online platforms like Reddit or Quora to share their most intimate confessions about their divorce thoughts. It may help you to join in the venting, relieve the stress with humorous banter, or empathize with the more heartbreaking stories of others. Spending all that time contemplating divorce, going over and over things in your head, can all be isolating and stressful. 

Reddit users share these “thinking about divorce” tales, answering the post’s question: How often do you think about divorce?:

• I’ve had the thought “what would divorced life be like?” flit through my mind, similar to how I’ve had the thought “what if I had hands for feet” flit through my mind, but in neither case was it a pretty picture.

• I would say it's more common than people think or would care to admit. I've only ever talked to one person (an older man) who admitted he's never considered divorcing his wife.

• I’ve been married for about 6 months and at the moment I want nothing to be divorced! It’s always on my mind. I think once you’re married you notice more things because you just can’t “get out” like you once were able to.

 

•  There are times I’m like why am I putting up with this?

• I have never thought about divorce after marriage but I did sometimes question if we were right for each other early on in the relationship. Which I think is very common.

One common theme on these threads is that early in marriage it seems common for spouses to “joke” about divorce, only to realize at some point that it’s not funny anymore. Marriages are not easy, and the tough times require a commitment that’s easier to maintain when divorce isn’t treated in a joking manner. At some point, leaving your spouse stops being lighthearted, and becomes a pervasive, repetitive thought. When the thoughts become commonplace, and the fantasizing turns to serious consideration of divorce, this may be a sign it’s time to talk to someone who can help; a lawyer, a pastor, a therapist, a friend.

Stages of Divorce Contemplation

Precontemplation for divorce is that phase where (like several of the Reddit commenters we quoted above) divorce isn’t a joke anymore or a passing thought, but an idea that’s taken root in your mind as “a possibility”. These days, you’re seeing more cons on the pros vs cons of staying with your spouse. 

In the contemplation phase, you’re giving these thoughts more time and energy, perhaps tipping the scales in favor of ending your marriage. You could spend a few days in this phase in the wake of a particularly difficult argument or betrayal, or you may spend years in this phase debating, stressing, trying every which way to fix your marriage, and all the while mourning – what’s broken, what’s lost, and the terrible divorce that you can feel is on the horizon. A sense of dread becomes a bedfellow. 

In the post-contemplation phase, your mind is set. You’re no longer debating the issue in your mind. You are taking actionable steps to move forward and may have already shared your decision with your soon-to-be-ex partner. While still emotionally difficult and financially straining, this phase often shares headspace with feelings of empowerment (and sometimes fear of the unknown) and hope for the future. Guilt is still a fine thread woven through every positive step forward. It’s hard to let go of the commitment you made to your spouse—and there are lots of reasons people may decide it’s time to do this.

When to Consider Divorce

Much has been studied and written on the reasons for divorce. When we’re contemplating divorce we may seek out these lists of reasons, looking for something to tip our thoughts in one direction or the other. Yes, it helps to see reasons, in print, that marriages fall apart, either to see our own reasoning validated or to relieve the guilt we have about leaning toward divorce. 

To settle your mind, here are the top reasons people get divorced in the US.

(These data come from the following PubMed article “Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education”: Table 1. Table 1.

List of Major Reasons for Divorce by Individuals and Couples Who Participated in PREP.)

The study surveyed couples and individuals to see how each party answered a battery of post-divorce questions, and whether both spouses agreed to the reasoning. These are the top reported reasons for divorce given by the individuals:

Lack of commitment

75.0*

Infidelity or extramarital affairs

59.6*

Too much conflict and arguing

57.7*

Getting married too young

45.1*

Financial problems

36.7*

Substance abuse

34.6*

Domestic violence

23.5*

Health problems

18.2*

Lack of support from family

17.3*

Religious differences

13.3*

m-swinging into the territory of divorcing due to general unhappiness. When many divorces used to be more aimed at solving conflict, society is becoming more open to ending the marital contract to seek other opportunities. Perhaps the divorce stigma is being skewed in the other direction. Perhaps, this is a reflection of the growing acceptance of prioritizing one’s own mental health and wellness. It seems people are more apt to choose their own paths when the marital one is no longer of interest or comfort.

Aside from these personal differences, infidelity or a tumultuous relationship are close runners-up causing more people to choose divorce over reconciliation.

It goes without saying that domestic violence is a concrete reason for divorcing your spouse. 

Whatever your reasoning for considering divorce, your feelings and wishes are valid. Your definition of and vision for your future is relevant to your reasoning—do you picture your spouse in that vision for your future or not? Are you happier, more emotionally and physically safe, and more confident in your path when your spouse is there, sharing that vision? Or when they are not there?

Contemplating Divorce vs Reconciliation

When my ex-husband and I began marital counseling, we couldn’t have been sitting further from each other on that couch. My ex-husband chose the therapist, and therefore, we had someone to whom I could not even pretend to relate. I think my ex may have wanted the more conservative—wives, get in your lanes!—approach, but even appealing to our shared Higher Power at that point was not going to work. I listened to over a year of weekly counseling, all aimed at convincing me to accept reconciliation.

And I tried, believe me, I really tried. Until that basket was thoroughly and irrevocably emptied.

I share this with you because of all the “reasons to divorce,” there are just as many others to stay married, which can make this such a difficult decision to make. And in my case—the damage, irreparable damage, had already been done. I knew it in my soul of souls, there was no going back.

First Steps When Thinking About Divorce

When divorce no longer feels like a passing thought, and it’s in your mind more and more, consider finding some support to help you navigate this tough time. Therapy, of course, may help you process what you’re feeling. Next step: legal representation.

But also, gather your support system. And, when the scales tip toward divorce, prepare for the upcoming changes to your finances, your schedule, and in some cases, child-rearing logistics. Because when the decision in your mind to divorce is made, you can finally take a deep breath and know which direction you’re heading. 

For all of us here at Alimonia Life, we wish you peace in your decision. 

*Disclaimer: Here at Alimonialife, we are not medical or legal professionals, but divorcees who have ‘been there.’ We share our experiences and research with you but defer to medical professionals for diagnosis or treatment, and legal professionals for legal advice.

Christina M. Ward