Post divorce communication tips from someone who’s been there.

I know what you’re thinking. There's a reason we’re going through a divorce in the first place and communication is a big part of the problem. But post divorce communication is quite different from that of your marriage. It’s communication with a different purpose. And a few key communication strategies could help you avoid a lot of post divorce conflict. 

Communication and divorce can be more peaceful when you act with intention rather than from your emotion. Setting boundaries for yourself, a few co-parenting communication guidelines, and keeping a cool head will all be crucial to keeping a difficult situation more calm. 

Setting Communication Boundaries

The first important component of good post divorce communication is to set some healthy boundaries for yourself. This is to protect your own mental well being and often your health. This may involve keeping communication to one or two modes: email and telephone calls or texts, for example. You don’t have to keep all lines of communication open to your ex. This gives you a little bit of freedom and space to begin doing that all-important healing work that you need to do for yourself.

Go ahead and separate yourself on social media so that you aren’t involved in your ex’s daily activities. Keep the chosen, convenient, lines of communication open for the important discussions that need to be had, but limit it to that. It’s easier to be civil when you are able to separate yourself from your ex’s behavior and daily activities which could be triggering for you or make it hard to keep your focus.

Boundaries for Your Communication Could (and should) Also Include:

• Being careful with your tone of communications so you don’t escalate conversations past the point of being civil. Effective communication may, at first, feel awkward or business-like to you but you can simply explain to your ex partner that you are working on effective communication for the sake of the children, and it’s not personal.
  

• Keeping conversations limited to the most necessary things: Co-parenting, legal paperwork, medical issues that involve the child, visitation scheduling and logistics, or light-hearted inquiries like “Where was that part for the lawnmower?” No prying questions or snarky comments which could open up an argument. And by all means – absolutely no name-calling or abusive words, especially in front of the children.
  

• Making the commitment to keeping conversations as civil as possible. This means letting go of some personal issues so that you can communicate necessary information, not taking the words or actions of your ex personally, and choosing to rise above negativity for your children’s sake (and your own).

Setting Co-Parenting Communication Boundaries

Similarly, you’ll want to set up some co-parenting communication boundaries. This generally means that you’ll keep conversations about the children civil and purposeful. The end result of every communication with your ex about your shared children should be for the benefit of the children. 

Burrows Law Group wrote about post divorce or during-divorce communication on their website and addresses competitive parenting vs. co-parenting. This is another aspect of setting those communication boundaries to protect the children involved. This means parenting children together while separate and not creating a competition between the two parents. The article reminds us to focus on cooperation rather than responding to the very human “impulse of wanting to be the favorite in the eyes of the children.”

Keeping a Cool Head

Looking back on my divorce year, the biggest regret I have is not getting some kind of emotional help for me to get through it all. I worked so hard to communicate well and keep the focus on the kids, but honestly, it was really hard. I’d advise anyone who is going through a dovorce to get an emotional support system – just as quickly as one goes out to get a legal support system. Do it for your kids. Do it for yourself. 

Keeping a level head and not losing your temper – these are so hard to do when you are hurting. But it is easier if you remember:

• Your children are confused and hurting too. Having empathy for them can help to curb your explosive communications, yelling, or bouts of anger and crying, all of which only make things much worse for them. Find a more healthy outlet for these emotions so you don’t hurt your children with them.
  

• Remember that your ex is also hurting. While you each may deal with your pain differently or communicate it differently, you are both humans who have pain. This makes it hard for anyone to stay calm in a conversation. Practice de-escalation tactics such as choosing non-threatening and non-accusatory language to keep conversations calm.

Focus on What’s Most Important

Above all, post divorce communication is a skill to be learned. If you are having difficulties with these interactions a mediator or a counselor can help.

Remind yourself each day of why you are working so hard at this. Remind yourself each day that healing can happen for all involved – as long as we are careful with how we talk to and treat each other during a difficult time. You may not like your ex all that much anymore but you are in a working partnership with them that’s been redefined for a different purpose: your children.

Christina M Ward

When I started Alimonia Life I was unsure of the direction, I just knew that I wanted
to create a safe space for anyone who found themselves on the road to divorce.
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