Divorce is never easy. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions, legal battles, and sometimes, psychological warfare. When I went through my divorce, I encountered a particularly insidious form of manipulation that made the process even more harrowing: secondary gaslighting

 

What is a Secondary Gaslighter?

A secondary gaslighter is someone who reinforces or supports the primary gaslighter's manipulative behavior. They might not be the main perpetrator, but their actions and words significantly contribute to the victim's confusion and distress. In the context of divorce, secondary gaslighters can be friends, family members, neighbors, lawyers, or even mutual acquaintances who side with the primary gaslighter.

 

How Secondary Gaslighters Operate

1. Validation of the Primary Gaslighter: Secondary gaslighters often agree with or support the primary gaslighter’s narrative. For instance, if the primary gaslighter accuses you of being unreasonable, a secondary gaslighter might chime in and suggest that you are indeed overreacting.

 

2. Minimization of Your Feelings: They might downplay your concerns, making statements like, “It’s not that big of a deal,” or “You’re just being too sensitive.” This further erodes your confidence and sense of reality.

 

3. Active Participation in Manipulation: Some secondary gaslighters may actively lie or manipulate information to back up the primary gaslighter’s version of events. This can include spreading rumors or providing false testimonies.

 

4. Pressure and Coercion: They might pressure you to accept the gaslighter’s version of events, often through social influence or coercion. This can include making you feel guilty for questioning the primary gaslighter or insisting that you are wrong.

 

During my divorce, I not only had to deal with my ex-wife's manipulative tactics but also with a family friend who became a secondary gaslighter. This friend, whom I’ll call D, had always been close to both my ex and me. I initially thought she would be a source of support during this tumultuous time, but I quickly realized her true nature.

D started by subtly validating my ex’s behavior. Whenever I confided in her about the gaslighting I was experiencing, she would say things like, “She’s just under a lot of stress,” or “Maybe you’re remembering it wrong.” At first, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, thinking she was trying to stay neutral. However, it became clear that her comments were reinforcing my ex’s narrative, making me question my own sanity even more.

One particularly memorable incident was when my ex accused me of mismanaging our finances, a claim that was utterly false. When I told D about it, hoping for some reassurance, she said, “Well, you can be a bit scatterbrained sometimes.” This seemingly innocent comment made me doubt my own financial acumen.

D didn’t stop there. She actively participated in spreading misinformation. At one point, she told mutual friends that I was making the divorce unnecessarily difficult, painting me as the unreasonable one. This not only damaged my reputation but also increased my sense of isolation. It felt like I was fighting a battle on multiple fronts.

This act of secondary gaslighting made an already difficult process nearly unbearable. I felt isolated and doubted my own perceptions. My ex’s narrative, backed by D's comments and actions, made me feel like I was losing my grip on reality. This self-doubt seeped into my decision-making, making it harder to advocate for myself.

 

Coping Strategies

1. Seek Independent Support: Finding trustworthy friends, family members, or professionals who were neutral was crucial. I leaned heavily on a therapist who helped me untangle the web of manipulation and regain my confidence.

 

2. Document Everything: Keeping detailed records of events, conversations, and incidents became my lifeline. This helped me stay grounded in reality and I had lesser reason to doubt myself.

 

3. Set Boundaries: I had to set clear boundaries with D. This meant limiting contact and being very cautious about what I shared with her.

 

4. Self-Care: Prioritizing my mental health through self-care activities, therapy, and stress-relief techniques helped me maintain my well-being during this challenging time.

 

Navigating a divorce is tough, and dealing with gaslighting makes it even more challenging. Recognizing the role of secondary gaslighters can help you better understand the dynamics at play and take steps to protect yourself. Remember, seeking support and maintaining your sense of reality are crucial. With the right strategies and support, you can overcome the challenges of gaslighting and move towards a healthier, more stable future.

If you're experiencing gaslighting or secondary gaslighting during or after your divorce, know that you are not alone and that help is available. Reach out to trusted professionals and support networks to guide you through this difficult time.

Joseph Abdalla