When I first announced my divorce, I was met with a lot of support that gave me a sense of guilt. At that time in my life, I wasn’t angry yet. I made it a priority to let the truth be known but stayed neutral. I wanted to appear cool and level-headed. I wanted to be viewed as progressive and understanding, not the bitter ex-wife I was soon to become anyway. For me, my divorce was due to my husband’s decision to transition to female. The topic of being transgender is still a hot button issue, but 5 years ago it was even more of a delicate concept. It didn’t occur to me until years later that it was okay for me to be upset about her decision to change and that grief in whatever form is natural and didn’t have anything to do with whether or not I was open to the queer community.

The feeling of being a victim, I felt was lost for me. The ripping comments that my family and friends made about her transitioning and leaving me behind bit into my heart. They were being protective of me and I was thankful for that but having your alliance be on both sides of the battlefield makes for a brutal inner situation. On one hand, I felt I didn’t deserve to to be mad and was still friends with my ex(we lived together and still texted all the time!) and on the other hand I wholly understood the heartbreak that my father and family felt for me. A marriage breaking. An ending. When the path of life changes, most times it is painful.

I wanted so much for everything to be okay that that was what I portrayed: being okay. I didn’t want anyone to be upset. I squashed everything down. This delayed my actual grief for years. I tried to just smooth everything over and continue on. No right to be mad, as if emotions were a privilege.

In reality, the sadness of the situation was crushing. My entire life was flipped upside down. No more rock of a husband. No more Sundays with family. No more wedding ring to show off. My life as I knew it was ending. In that way, I tried to cheat death. My advise: don’t cheat the living death.

The death that comes when the future you thought you were going to have falls off the horizon. Don’t put off that sunset. Embrace the helpless tears. Embrace your irrational anger. I’m not telling you to be destructive, but allow your emotions to course through you. Even if it is as simple as being mad that you don’t get invited to couple’s night or that the ring you wore was perfect or that the life you were living was just fine before all of this happened. Perhaps this breaking wasn’t even your idea in the first place.

Let it wash over you and consume you for a while. The self that you were before the papers were filed is no longer there. The self you were when you thought life with this person was it and that all storms after that would be weathered together is gone.

The sooner you process, the sooner you will find your next move. Emotions are healthy and valid, no matter the “why”. Brighter things are in your future because that’s just always how it goes. The phoenix rising. The bloom after the burning. The sunshine after the rain.

Live through the tempest.

KW

When I started Alimonia Life I was unsure of the direction, I just knew that I wanted to
create a safe space for anyone who found themselves on the road to divorce.
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