What happens when you are in the process of a divorce and your ex-partner comes to you with an idea: Let’s get back together? About 10-15% of people reconcile after their big break up, with about 6% of those remarrying each other. The good news is, if you are still in the process of divorce, it may be more simple to attempt reconciliation with your ex.

Divorce is complex and emotional and sometimes that simple realization – your ex wants to reconcile instead of completing the divorce proceedings – can really throw your mental health for a loop. Not to mention all the time and effort you’ve put into restabilizing your life after the big break up.

But can it work? Is it what’s best for you and for all parties involved?

Analyze What You Want

The first thing you need to do when the divorce is looming and your ex throws you a huge curveball–is to think, seriously, about what you really want. Try to analyze both the positives and negatives without relying solely on your heart. Remember, the issues that plunged your relationship toward divorce may still be unresolved. In order for a second wind to happen for your marriage, those issues will still need to be worked on and improved for the relationship to be repaired.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Have both parties learned from the experience of the separation and are willing to accept responsibility for their roles in the issues that led to the divorce table?
  
  

• Are your ex’s motives pure, honest, and with the best intentions? Are yours?
  
  

• Are you ready to reconcile? Is this really what you want?
  
  

• Have the issues that brought you and your ex to this place been resolved or are you actively working together to resolve them?

Talk with Your Lawyer

Once you decide that you want to try a reconciliation, you’ll need to speak with your lawyer to be sure no other paperwork or legal filings continue. Perhaps your lawyer will agree to a time-frame of reconciliation and put your case on hold for the time being. It wouldn’t be the first time a divorcing couple tried to give it another go. 

Ask your lawyer for legal advice during this trial period of reconciliation. 

Creating a Plan Toward Reconciliation

Once you have done some serious self-reflection and spoken with your lawyer about the plan moving forward, it’s time to put some framework in place for reconciling with your ex. As you’ve likely learned from your separation–oftentimes having a written plan can be helpful to avoid conflict and to make clear the boundaries and expectations of both parties.

If you can’t have these conversations then you may not be ready to get back together with your ex!

Consider Your Boundaries

Why boundaries first and not expectations or conflict resolution? Because protecting your mental and emotional health have become a priority for you during your separation–and this should not change.

You may have placed firm boundaries in place with your ex to keep yourself healthy and positive about your life. Can these be adjusted to allow for a reconciliation with your ex? If so, what does that look like for you and how can you communicate this to your partner?

Finally, will your partner respect these boundaries so that you can grow together? Perhaps down the line those boundaries may be less important–but for now, there’s been a lot of stress and emotional upheaval in your life. Don’t lose the ground you have made thus far.

Consider Your Expectations

As silly as this may sound, you can’t go into a reconciliation with hearts and flowers clogging up your vision. You have expectations and so does your ex-partner. Discuss these in detail and at length. There’s no need to rush things. In fact, Marriage.com advises against rushing things, telling too many people of your plans, and involving too many third parties who may have a bias toward or against reconciliation.

Plan for Conflict Resolution

No doubt, this will be a true test for your relationship, your emotional maturity, your flexibility, your mental strength, and your ability to adapt to a different “landscape” of your marriage. But if it is done properly, your marriage may move forward on a better trajectory than before having hit a “reset” button of sorts on your marriage.

But, expect there will be conflict. How will the two of you work together to resolve this? How can you navigate conflict better than you did before? Especially with the new issues you may harbor resentment over–like things either of you did while you weren’t together, things that were said, or financial burdens the near-divorce has cost you both.

You’ll need a solid plan for conflict resolution. There are a few ways to go about doing this:

• Work with a licensed clinical marriage counselor who can advise you.
  
  

• Go to individual therapy to help you learn more effective stress management and communication to avoid conflict or resolve it.
  
  

• Consider a “trial” reconciliation where the two of you live separately and work to slowly rebuild your marriage on more solid footing.
  
  

• Agree to disagree where it is needed, forgive each other, and handle each other with patience, kindness, and empathy. This isn’t easy for either of you!

Get the Support You Need

Aside from a good therapeutic support system, there are other support systems you need in place. Consider how each of these might be used to provide your marriage the catalyst for change, growth, and unification that your marriage may have been missing before.

• Spiritual guidance –This may look different for everyone (church, spiritual leaders, psychic advisors, etc.) but seeking a higher purpose and meaning in your experience together as a couple can often create an intimate and close bond. While you both may be on your own spiritual path, discover together ways this path involves your partner.
  
  

• Educational resources you can use together – Books, seminars, support groups, podcasts and the like. Learn all you can–together–about how to do it right this time.
  
  

• Finding friend and family support – When the timing is right, and only you and your partner can decide this, let a few close family members and friends know, privately. Ask for support during this trial period. Then, when you have decided to move forward with reconciliation, you can broaden this circle of family and friends. Understand that not everyone will be supportive of this decision, at least, at first.
  
  

• Couples events & groups –Try new ways to connect together and share more of yourself with each other: Couples events, day trips, journaling together, or practicing couple-bonding through yoga or tantra. Whatever makes you feel closer, more intimate, and better able to speak openly and honestly with each other may help you to find a stronger marriage than you had before.

Reconciling during divorce is quite common, but only you, through careful and thoughtful consideration, can know if reconciling with your ex is the best plan for you. There’s no harm in taking your time, and letting a brief trial run help you to discover issues that may arise–while you still live in the emotional safety of your own space. 

Christina M Ward