One of the most surprising feelings about my divorce was those first few moments of feeling happy. Feeling happy after divorce felt strange. It felt like a betrayal to my children’s pain, a guilty pleasure I felt I didn’t yet deserve. 

I had to learn that moving on after my divorce was not only healthy for myself, but also for my children. In fact, I needed that new happiness and healing to help me be the mom they deserved.

Feeling Guilty About Divorce

It wasn’t easy to make the decision to get divorced, was it? In fact, you likely agonized over it, feeling guilty over ending the marriage, after all this time and emotional investment. But, what’s done is done and it’s for the best. Time to move on, right? Only, when you try to move on, when you feel those fist hints of feeling happy after divorce, the pangs of guilt about that can be really confusing. You know in your heart that you deserve being happy after divorce — then why do you feel so bad about it?

Divorce is a whirlwind of emotion. When I filed for divorce I first felt guilty about the stress and loss my children were experiencing. But after years of conflict, abuse, and pain, it was the right thing to do for myself and for my kids.

When divorce is the last and only option, you move forward as best you can. You talk to your kids and hope they understand. You get them the help they need to process their emotions, and then, you try as hard as you can to move on with a positive attitude.

But then something unexpected happens…you begin to feel happy for the first time in a very long time. And that happiness comes with pangs of guilt.

Moving Forward After Divorce

You know that moving forward after divorce will be hard. But isn’t it time to begin working through your emotions and trying to navigate a path forward? Isn’t it time to find the happiness you were denied in your marriage? Of course it is.

Happiness, I’ve often told my children, is a choice. It is a verb. It’s something you choose for yourself as a way of life, in spite of current struggles or challenges. But why, your children may think, couldn’t you just be happy when you were married to their other parent? Feeling this way may be the root of your guilt.

Being Happy After Divorce

Being happy after divorce can begin when you realize that you’ve made the right decision for yourself and your kids. But It may feel like a betrayal of the vows you once took. 

A Psychology Today report says that “Divorce alone will not solve mental-health issues such as depression or self-esteem.”

It’s important to note that whatever emotional baggage you’re carrying during your divorce will not magically disappear once those divorce papers are signed. But, because you go through the trauma and separation that comes with ending a marriage, you are also presented with a glorious opportunity for growth. This is the time to dedicate your energies to working on yourself. This is the time to learn what your divorce can teach you about what you need to truly be happy, and how you can attain that for yourself and your children.

Though most unhappy married people get divorced and then carry that same level of unhappiness with them into their single life and their next relationships, it does not have to be this way.

1. You can get therapy for the issues you have inside of you that contributed to that unhappiness in your marriage.
   

2. You can learn better communication of your needs so that you can work better with future partners.
   

3. You can work to heal the trauma of your marriage and divorce.
   

4. You can spend time learning about what life should feel like, rather than responding to the ups and downs of your troubled marriage.

5. You can make the choice to move on from your divorce as a more stable and happy individual.

What to Do When You Feel Guilty About Being Happy After Divorce

Let’s take a look at some of the reasons why you may feel guilty about being happy after divorce, and what you can do to successfully find happiness after you’ve ended your marriage.

To begin, think about those pangs of guilt and how inhibitive they may be. Are they preventing your happiness? Are they causing you to pull back and stay in a negative headspace, as some form of self-punishment?

Jason Crowley, CFA, CFP, CDFA of Survive Divorce says you should not be too alarmed at post-divorce guilt “As long as it’s a healthy form of guilt. At the very least, most people in marriages that end in divorce will experience some form of guilt or another. When you experience guilt, as long as it’s not prolonged, obsessive or irrational, it usually means that your moral compass is just fine. Guilt is a normal reaction. It means that despite your troubles, you still have empathy and compassion for others. Although you feel crappy, guilt can be humbling and comes from a place that makes you think much deeper about how you will treat others going forward.“ 

With that in mind, it’s important for you to give yourself permission to let things go. To choose a better path for yourself and your children. And to be happy as you find your new way forward after divorce. Afterall, finding happiness is likely one of your core reasons for needing the divorce in the first place, right?

For more reading: We Lose Site of Self

For some, moving forward after divorce means moving into another relationship as soon as possible. While this may help you to feel happiness in the new relationship, you may tie your happiness to the new person in your life, rather than finding those places of happiness within yourself. I’d caution you against doing this too quickly, before you’ve done the internal work needed to heal your own pain from the divorce. 

And, because if you partner-up too quickly,  it can cause a world of pain and confusion for your children who may still be processing what’s happened to the married couple that was raising them. They’ve now got different schedules and their family life has been restructured. They need time to adjust and heal, as well.

But when you’re ready, give yourself permission for the happiness you find. You may find that after your divorce you find joy in new things:

• Spending time outdoors with your kids. Letting the stresses melt away with play and leisure.
  

• Taking long walks makes you feel centered. Hearing the birds in the trees or seeing the shapes of the clouds suddenly brings an inner peace and happiness that you've needed for a long time. Be mindful of these moments of happiness. They mean you are healing and seeing life with fresh new eyes.
  

• A new hobby or simply reading a book feels different now. You don’t walk on eggshells around your home and this can feel freeing. Give yourself permission to feel happy in your own home — without your ex partner. 

Lastly, when you begin feeling those first signs of happiness after divorce, understand that it’s also ok for these feelings to confuse you or feel quite foreign. That’s totally normal. Happiness may not feel normal to you yet…but give it time. Soon, feeling happy after divorce will feel more natural to you and your kids will adjust to this new smiling you.

Christina M Ward