Getting over a divorce is hard emotional work. For some people, post-divorce woes are more about building self-esteem after divorce, or starting over financially. But, for others, severing those emotional ties can be particularly difficult. Why is it that for some of us, we simply can’t seem to let go of our ex and move on after divorce?

There are several reasons why this might be happening. Today, we’ll take a look at those reasons why you can’t get over your ex, and what questions you need to ask yourself to help you move on after your divorce.

Divorce Is a Finality – and That Hurts

For some people, moving on after divorce hits an emotional nerve even more so because there’s no going back. This feels very much like a loss of power, especially if the divorce was not instigated by you, or there was infidelity by your partner. No matter how you slice it, analyze it, argue with it and rationalize it – all this overthinking brings you right back to the same conclusion: It’s over and there’s nothing you can do about it. 

You cannot fix it or repair it. And this can be frightening.

No one likes to feel like their circumstances are out of their control. So, we look backward. We try to find something that once felt good to us – and we hang onto it.

But this keeps us strapped to the past.

Psychology Today writer David Braucher, L.C.S.W., Ph.D. in his article “Why Can’t I Get Over My Ex?” tells us that this reminiscing tie to our past love could indicate our emotional ties to loving someone, or to our loving selves, not necessarily that we are actually pining for the ex…”But frequently the lover realizes his recollected feelings and memories—the internal image of the ex—are distinctly different from the feelings engendered in his or her actual presence.”

Just because we feel tied to this part of our past does not mean that in time, and with healing, we won’t be able to move on from divorce, and possibly even have a much more rewarding life. We just have to be open to that possibility. That things can – and will – get better for us.

Ask yourself – Am I hanging onto my ex because I am afraid to move on?

Building Self-Esteem After Divorce Is Hard

Your self-esteem takes a huge hit when your marriage falls apart. For one, you’ve developed this idea of “we” and may need to relearn who you are apart from that love equation. Perhaps there were damaging dynamics in your now-defunct marriage. 

These things need time, healing, and possibly some therapy to repair. So you can move on without your ex feeling more confident than ever in your own individuality.

Ask yourself – Is there something more I can do to actively work on rebuilding my self-esteem?

When you Can’t Get Over Your Ex – Maybe You Still Love Them

It’s totally ok to still love your ex. Love doesn’t evaporate because the relationship, for whatever reasons, didn’t last. So, ask yourself, is this pining love, this unrequited or unanswered love holding you back? Is it keeping you from moving forward?

Then, it’s time to get to work living your own life on your own terms.

Each time you make your own decisions – you are letting go of the ones you used to make together and reclaiming your own strength as an individual.

Each time you create a new set of memories – without the ex – you are building toward your own future.

Each time you have a memory of your ex and find yourself missing the ex – be thankful for the memory, sit with it a moment, and then pivot your mind and actions toward the present. Your own future. 

Find joy in moments that only belong to you and not to your ex. Fight any urges to give this new growth away to your ex by sharing it with them, telling them about it, sending them messages or photos…remember, this is your life now. The terms, the memories, the growth…it’s all yours now. Find new ways to share your joys with the world – without your ex’s input.

These things take time. Sometimes a lot of time. If the ex’s pull on you is so strong you cannot let go – talk with a therapist. Work on yourself. If the love feelings never fade and the universe bends toward reconciliation for your relationship, then you’ll be a better person and you’ll be more ready for it.

Ask yourself – Are these feelings of love or feelings of fear for my own future and what that might bring?

You’re Struggling with Unforgiveness

Perhaps you’re not in love with your ex at all but plagued by memories, flashbacks, or other intrusions. Two things need to happen here:

1. Get evaluated by a mental health professional to rule out PTSD (afterall, divorce is trauma!) and other mental health concerns.

2. Find forgiveness. For yourself and for your ex. Forgiveness will allow you to begin to let go.

Ask yourself – Am I hanging onto my ex because I need to forgive them?

You Might Be Lonely

One reason you hang onto what you had with the ex is because you are lonely. Pain can be very lonely. Find a support group or a friend who has been through what you’re going through. Then, do some fun things with other people, as you are ready, to help build back your social confidence.

Ask yourself – Are these feelings of love for my ex or are they feelings of loneliness?

Steps to Moving on After Divorce

There are no set steps to how to move on after divorce or for when you can’t get over your ex. But there are some seasons of growth you’ll go through. They mimic the stages of grief:

• Denial

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Depression

• Acceptance

And we’d add these at the end, after you’ve begun accepting your divorce:

• Analysis: Helps you find lessons from your marriage and divorce.

• Forgiveness: This is a choice that leads to…

• Freedom. Living. Moving forward.

One last thought…you can do this. It’s going to take some time.

Christina M Ward