Is Your Divorce Making You Bitter?
A few years after my divorce a young man said something to me that really stung: You’re bitter.
What I was trying to emulate in my life, at the time, was strength, but with the pain of my divorce it came across as a man-hating bitterness that kept people at arms-length. I really don’t want that to happen to you.
Today, we’re taking a look at a few things to help you should you find yourself on the path to bitterness during or following your divorce:
What are the effects of divorce?
Is your divorce making you bitter?
Are you bitter? Why are you bitter?
Remembering that divorce makes you stronger
How to find peace after divorce
So, let’s toot that whistle on the bitterness train (for the last time!) and find out how to derail all that bitterness that’s keeping you from healing.
What Are the Effects of Divorce?
Divorce affects all of us a little differently but there are some common themes that show up amongst divorcees:
Psychological issues such as anxiety, depression
Feelings of anger, resentment and bitterness
Ongoing emotional pain and stress which can affect your health
Social isolation
Hopelessness or helplessness
Feeling victimized
Potential drinking issues or other negative coping mechanisms
Restructuring of the family can create issues with scheduling or logistics, especially when children are involved
These are just a few of the things you may face during your divorce or after those papers are eventually signed and you face the world as a newly divorced individual. But, even with all of the emotional turmoil you are going through, there are things you can do to prevent those emotional upheavals from turning into a lasting bitterness that drives a wedge between you and others.
Is Your Divorce Making You Bitter?
Don’t wait, like I did, until someone points out your bitterness for you to address those lingering feelings. Bitterness is a resentment, fueled by anger and underlying pain, and thrust up into a high wall you build around your heart to protect yourself, but this isn’t the best way to make yourself feel secure after your divorce. You may be wondering — Am I bitter? Is my divorce making me act or appear bitter to other people, especially to potential new friends or people we might want to date?
Bitterness Checklist
Ask yourself the following:
Do you constantly bring up your ex or your divorce in a negative light?
Do you relive old pains and bring it up to other people — even when the conversation isn’t about that?
Do you present yourself as rude or guarded to others, with the reasoning that you won’t let other people hurt you like you’ve been hurt before?
Do you gossip, talk bad about others, or judge them unfairly based on the past negative experiences you’ve had?
Do you keep others at arm’s length?
Do you feel angry and bitter about what you’ve been through?
Do you feel like you can’t just let it go and be happy?
Do you complain all the time or look at the world through darkened (pain-filled) glasses?
The good news is that with some self-loving attention to your feelings you can avoid the bitterness train altogether.
Divorce Makes You Stronger
It may help to remember that the divorce, itself, can be empowering, offering you a new strength moving forward. This strength shouldn’t be presented with bitterness, but with a newfound inner strength and resiliency that makes you proud of yourself, what you’ve overcome, and how you choose to live your life moving forward.
Remember that, if you allow it, divorce can make you a better and stronger person.
How to Find Peace After Divorce
Avoiding bitterness after divorce is as simple as this: finding peace. Peace with what you’ve faced. Peace with what’s hurt you. Peace with what scares you about getting close to others again. A lot of this happens with time, if you’re diligent about checking in with your feelings and working on yourself.
But this kind of peace requires self-work, too, that’s deliberate and peace-, gratitude-, and healing-focused. Consider some of these ways to bring peace and contentment to those spaces in your heart overrun with bitterness and resentment.
Therapy – Therapy can help you sort out the negative feelings of your divorce and create more positive pathways moving forward.
Support Groups – Support groups can help you get some of those negative feelings out of your heart and mind with a group of empathetic people who understand.
Journaling – Journaling is a powerful resource for anyone who is processing emotional pain.
Gratitude – Practicing gratitude each day can help your bitter heart to focus on the positive.
Bravery – Bravery is a practice. Reward yourself when you are emotionally brave with others, in spite of the pain you’ve been through.
Honesty – Honesty with yourself and others will help you to relate better to people, even after the divorce has broken your confidence.
Communication – Practicing good communication skills can also help you to move forward with confidence. In fact, looking back on your previous marriage, you have lessons there to learn, often about how to improve your own communication skills.
Professional help – Similar to seeking therapy with a professional, you may need to see your doctor if you feel your bitterness is a symptom of something more serious, like depression.
Divorce Doesn’t Have to Make You Bitter
Hop off the bitterness train! Next stop — A NEW YOU! Trust me, the scenery here is wonderful! I have dealt with my divorce pain and now I am living a positive and abundant life, and you can do that too.
Moving forward, remember to treat yourself and others with kindness. Divorce isn’t easy on anyone and you aren’t the first person to come through a divorce feeling angry, bitter, resentful, and guarded. It’s common but it doesn’t have to be your new norm.
Those feelings show you there’s some underlying pain that’s not resolved. Get to the root of that pain, do the self-work to overcome it – and happiness, strength, and positivity will feel more natural to you as you navigate your new life as a divorced person.
Christina M Ward