Let’s face it, your divorce may have been coming, or you may not have seen it coming, but it’s no less like being pummeled by a moving train. It knocks you off your feet. Leaves you feeling stunned and breathless. But in your despair, and it’s ok to call it despair, you may feel tempted to go down a few dark paths that in the long run will only amplify your pain and shame. 

When you are getting over divorce it’s just as important to know what you should NOT do while you are trying to move on. 

Today, we’ll address a few of the biggies: 

• Dating after divorce (or remarriage after divorce) – how soon is too soon?

• Your self-care and social life after divorce – you can’t go hide under a rock!

• The importance of building self-esteem after divorce – Ignoring your healing is a terrible idea.

Humans do some really stupid things when they are in pain, and quite often you can see this behavior after the heartbreaking fail of a marriage. Remember, divorce isn’t always mutual, and you can’t simply tune those heartstrings to play a different song overnight. It takes time. Sometimes, a lot of time. Let’s talk about what you should not, not ever, ever do during this healing season following your divorce.

Moving On After Divorce – Too Soon!

The most important thing you can do while you are getting over divorce is give yourself the time you need to heal from your divorce. Some aspects of your experience will teach you more about yourself, how you relate to others, how you take care of yourself, how you communicate with other people, and how you make choices about what kinds of people you choose for your relationships, even friendships.

Nothing can mess up your healing faster than moving on too soon. Many people begin dating after divorce much sooner than what’s healthy, or worse, they quickly rush into remarriage after divorce. Here are a few things to consider when you think about going back to dating after your divorce:

Are you emotionally ready?

Will it be too much for your children (and too soon)?

Have you taken the time to work on yourself?

Are you looking to date to help you in getting over divorce? If so, then you likely are looking to date for the wrong reasons.

Are you happy with yourself, confident in your life, and know what you want moving forward? If so, you may be more ready for dating after divorce.

The key, here, is to take your time and focus on improving your own life before you bring in a new relationship. When you are ready for dating, you won’t worry it’s too soon.

Isolate and Abuse Your Body 

Another terrible habit of post-divorce pain is to want to isolate, drink alcohol or use drugs to numb the pain, or to make other self-destructive choices. While the pain is fresh and your mind and heart are looking for something to cling to, make sure that you do not cling to unhealthy choices or destructive coping mechanisms.

When you are getting over divorce, this is not the time to abuse your body. In fact, it is the time to do quite the opposite:

• Step-up your self care. Get a new look, take up a new exercise routine, and yes, get some of that fancy-smelling stuff you like for your skin. These are tough times and a little self-pampering may help you to stay in touch with what your body needs from you.
  
  

• Eat healthy and take care of your body. If you are under a doctor’s care, this is not the time to let that slide!
  
  

• Work on your sleep – your body needs good sleep to help you heal. If you are tossing and turning all night from the trauma, the emotional pain, or the stress of your divorce – go and see your doctor. Discuss your concerns with them and they can help you get your sleep back on track.
  
  

• Find natural ways to feel better – taking walks, using a chamomile tea for when you are stressed or can’t get to sleep, giving yourself plenty of time for healthy down-time like reading, listening to music (having a dance-a-thon in your living room is a great way to blow off steam and get in some exercise!) or a project like writing, painting, or learning a new skill.

Work to put yourself into social constructs that allow you to be exactly what you are right now – single and working on yourself. Book clubs, the movies with a friend, or simply going to get your hair or nails done are all things you can do to get out there and be a little social without the discomfort of doing it alone. The more you do these things, the more natural it will feel to do things on your own and build a social structure around yourself that gives you the space to heal.

Ignore Your Self-Esteem After Divorce

Another thing many people forget to do after a divorce is to actively work to build back their self-esteem. They go on about their business, angry and hurt, and continue to look for blame-targets for their personal pain. They try to keep it together. They focus on parenting or getting out there and trying to be social again.

But they forget or fail to prioritize a crucial building block for reviving your life after a divorce – active work to rebuild self-esteem. Divorce really does a number on your self-esteem and sometimes there’s a lot of repair to be done following a less-than-healthy relationship. 

Perhaps you are one of these folks – out there navigating the rough terrain of divorce. Take a brief self-assessment and ask yourself these questions:

• How do you feel about yourself right now?

• Do you feel confident to move forward in your life with positivity?

• Is it easy for you to feel whole as a person or feel you have value as a person?

• Are you afraid of making decisions or committing to anything for yourself like a new job, or home, or life direction? Afraid to invest in yourself?

If your self-esteem has taken a one-two punch from your divorce, for one, you need to make self-esteem repair and rebuild a major priority and for two, you need to do the work.

Your Takeaway Today

When you are still getting over divorce it’s important to take your time for the emotional and mental work it takes to heal. Dating after divorce, your self-esteem after divorce, and how you take care of yourself in the healing process are all things that should warrant considerable thought. Take your time. It’s ok to work on yourself. Then, when you are ready, you’ll be better equipped to make healthy choices for yourself and your relationships. 

Christina M. Ward

When I started Alimonia Life I was unsure of the direction, I just knew that I wanted to
create a safe space for anyone who found themselves on the road to divorce.
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