Going through a divorce takes a toll on anyone. Financially, mentally, emotionally, and otherwise.

But you can create a support system to help you through every step of your divorce proceedings. This can help you prepare yourself and glean strength for every step of this journey. 

Today at Alimonialife we’re talking about how you can build your support system and set yourself up for this next season of your life.

• How to cope with getting a divorce.

• How to find divorce support.

• How to build your support system so divorce is less painful and overwhelming.

• How to determine helpful and healthy support avenues to keep you grounded, focused, and healing.

How Does Divorce Affect a Person?

Divorce affects us all in different ways and you may find yourself feeling its effects in different measures than others. Divorce can affect a broad spectrum of our lives, from our internal feelings, outward behaviors, energy levels, sleep patterns, and more. 

• Internal struggles: anger, resentment, feeling lost or confused, emotional conflict and pain, hopelessness and even depression

• Chronic stress: Stress levels rise as you enter the “unknown” territory of divorce

• Guilt: Many people feel guilty over the effects of divorce on themselves, their ex, their children, and their family and friends

• Financial stress or logistical stress regarding the children

• Medical stress: Chronic stress can affect your health leading to more frequent illness

• Changes to eating patterns or weight

• Increased insomnia or sleeplessness

• Changes to social structures

• Loneliness or social isolation

• Increase in coping behaviors, some good, some bad! Be forewarned that drinking alcohol and alcohol dependence increases among divorcees.

Because we know the “temperature” is about to increase in our lives, as soon as that divorce petition is filed, we know that we can prepare ourselves. We can set up support systems to help us cope, navigate, and process the divorce in ways that help us to build a better life, and heal ourselves in the process.

Make no mistake – while for many divorce is a “setting free” or “escaping” of a relationship that has failed to work out, it is also hard emotional work. And, many systems that were in place for the marriage crumbled. These systems need rebuilding to support your life moving forward.

Read one inspiring life-after-divorce story: Laughter is the Best Medicine: Humor Me Through My Divorce(Four Years Later)

Types of Divorce Support | How to Cope with Getting a Divorce

Let’s take a look at some of the building blocks of support you can put into place. These core supportive measures can shore up your resolve and help to restore your energies while you navigate this tumultuous time. Remember – you are building a new life. Choose your supportive structures with intention! 

Emotional Support for Your Divorce

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.”

– C. JoyBell C.

There is little debate that divorce is painful for most people. Shearing away the old and stepping bravely into the new – these are parts of your journey that may require the most strength. How to do this while toting around the weight of your unhealed heart is the crux. To help you bear the weight of your pain, shoulder the hard work of healing, and shore up the strength and bravery you need to forge forward each day of your divorce – plan for that emotional work with a strong plan of support.

• Consider therapy. In this modern technological era, you can do this in the privacy of your own home through programs like Better Help.

• Create a system of coping mechanisms that are healthy and help you release stress.

• Practice meditation or mindfulness.

• Keep a “pain” journal to regularly purge negative emotions. 

• Create a plan for keeping positive, motivated, and growth-oriented.

Spiritual Support During Divorce

A spiritual awakening is not usually pleasant. Often it feels like confusion, frustration, anger, sadness, grief, or being "out of place". A spiritual awakening can be uncomfortable & challenging because it's an intense time of personal growth. But despite how difficult it may feel, you're not going crazy; you're evolving.

– Unknown

During my divorce, I had some intense “screaming at God” moments. Those are the moments you bare your soul, beg for forgiveness, or yell out your anger at God. For me, I took my divorce as an utter failure to a calling I felt was “of God.” I felt guilty for this failure and that affected how I defined myself in terms of my spiritual journey. Whether you are a spiritual person or not, most people have an elevated view of the matrimonial bond. Losing this can deeply affect how you see yourself in this world. 

This often reaches a spiritual level or affects your belief systems. People going through a divorce may feel these effects differently as our spiritual understandings of the world can differ widely. For many of us, divorce feels like a wrong that goes beyond the ending of your average relationship. It feels bigger than that. So the pain reaches higher and more outward as we seek direction, guidance, support, and sometimes forgiveness.

If you are experiencing this level of life turbulence, there are spiritual advisors in all kinds of meaningful forms:

• Ministers & pastors

• Spiritual counselors

• Priests

• Rabbis

• Imams

• Life coaches

• Breath-work coaches

• Gurus and spiritual healers

• Spirit mediums or astrologers 

• Self-help leaders & psychologists 

As you go through your divorce you are vulnerable. Measure each spiritual guide you meet during this time against what you know to be true about yourself, and the type of person you want to be. Spiritual leaders can help you very much on your journey, just recognize your vulnerability so you don’t fall prey to those who take advantage of the hurting.

Legal & Financial Support During Your Divorce

The due process of law as we use it, I believe, rests squarely on the liberal idea of conflict and resolution. – June L. Trapp

If you thought conflict and conflict resolution were difficult during your marriage – wait until the lawyers, the paperwork, and the ink on the fine print (which never seems to dry) set in. Divorce is a tough road legally and financially. You’ll need a lawyer you halfway like, a new bank account of your own, maybe a raise at work or a new side hustle, and a whole lot of humility to keep you grounded.

You may need advice from the experts to navigate this rocky terrain. Here’s our best tip in the right direction:

• Seek counsel. Choose a lawyer that you feel comfortable with, that you can afford, and hopefully one that comes well-recommended.
  
  

• Legal Aid and other financial support systems are there for those going through divorce.
  
  

• Analyze your spending, savings, and earnings to see where improvements (no matter how small) can be made. Not only will you need to fund your legal representation, but also make up for lost work time – all while you adjust to the new financial strain of a one-income household. A financial advisor or bank personnel are great at offering advice and resources in times of crisis.

Social Support During Divorce

“I said: what about my eyes?

He said: Keep them on the road.

I said: What about my passion?

He said: Keep it burning.

I said: What about my heart?

He said: Tell me what you hold inside it?

I said: Pain and sorrow.

He said: Stay with it. The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”

― Rumi

Your social systems are likely falling apart as we speak. Divorce divides people, and not just the two who were married. This will be a season of:

• Building new bridges to salvage relationships that are being tested.

• Finding new ways to socialize – to help to build your life as an individual and keep you from suffering social isolation during your divorce.

• Expanding your own hobbies, social structures, and supportive activities to help you feel (and stay) strong, supported, and positive about your future.

• Forging new paths ahead and ultimately deciding who does and does not deserve an invitation to come along.

• Being cognizant of who you can trust with your heart (and details of your life) right now – and who you cannot.  

• Nurturing familial relationships as they face the tension (and sometimes drama) of your divorce

Final Thoughts

To reiterate, establish your “divorce support system” in these key areas; emotional and spiritual support, legal and financial support, and a network of familial and social support.

While this season of your life may make you emotionally vulnerable, and you have to adopt a very deliberate sense of discernment about who you talk to and about what – don’t let that discourage you from getting out there.

Meet some new people. Try some new things. Go bravely and purposefully into this new life. Remember to build the foundation for this new life with systems that help you grow and heal.

Christina M. Ward

*Disclaimer: Here at Alimonialife, we are not medical or legal professionals, but divorcees who have ‘been there.’ We share our experiences and research with you but defer to medical professionals for diagnosis or treatment, and legal professionals for legal advice.