Blonde hair, blue eyes and a six pack… sounds like the fantasy of all American women. Right? When I first met my ex-husband I was the envy of all of my friends, I was with someone shiny, new, with a cute East European accent and no checkered past.  We met like almost all millennials on an online dating app. I was newly relocated back to my hometown of Los Angeles after eight years away. Timing was post a year of on and off dating a typical LA playboy, whom I later found out, was married. When I met my foreign, handsome, super fit, sweet and shy future husband it was like a match made in heaven or so I thought. Finally someone who liked that I was not a party animal, did not want to casually date, and actually waited to be intimate. It was surely a whirlwind romance.

My new partner went from boyfriend to husband in the span of eight months. Due to us meeting while he was a tourist; we also began the process of immigration, which is not for the faint of heart. Those first few months were tough, he was rather sickly and without proper healthcare, it was difficult to manage but we kept fighting. We knew the cause was greater because we wanted to be together and start a family someday. It was year three to four where things started to crumble. Our intimate life had all but dissipated due to my husband’s previous steroid use, which I found out caused a slew of health problems and emotional instability. I was now a wife, caretaker, and provider.

Then in year three he got his green card, became obsessed with his hobbies and continued to only work part time while I worked my tail off going after promotions and new positions. Even through it all I remained supportive because I had never seen a successful marriage so I thought this was it and you just stay in it. That was until I lost my job due to outsourcing, still maintaining the majority of our bills and searching for a new job. The pressure was mounting, and my weight began to go up noticeably. Surely my husband would support me, or so I thought. His idea of support was asking me when was I going to begin working out again.

Soon after this period I went to visit family for Thanksgiving in another state and he stayed behind due to work. A couple of weeks after my return I get a message from a stranger on Instagram stating that she thinks her friend is dating my husband and she just wanted to let me know. This sent me into a rage, while I forgave, this betrayal coupled with a lack of intimacy and his lack of ambition caused an even bigger disconnect. I tried to schedule couples therapy on numerous occasions, only to be shot down as the appointments never aligned with his part time work schedule. For a while after, I knew we would separate, but I needed time to sit with this decision. I did not want to be one of those people… DIVORCED!

After a few months I finally had the courage to tell my husband I wanted to separate. I’ll never forget. It was the night of my company’s holiday party. My husband was driving back from Palm Springs where he had worked the night before and assured me he would be on time. When he got home to change for the party it was already late. I told him I’d rather he not join me at the party and that I did not see a future for us. He was pretty tearful, and appeared surprised. I went on to the party and danced the night away with my friends.

It was only in the sober cold winter days that followed that I questioned things. Why did I pick someone so needy that did not see the pain of others? It took some soul searching and therapy to discover that answer. I realized I was seeking approval from my peers and society because of my own insecurities. I discovered with the help of my therapist I had disordered eating so when I was with a really fit man I thought it made me look worthy. I also realized that I did not know how to set boundaries and was codependent from my issues of abandonment by my own father.

The biggest lesson that I have learned is when problems show up in our lives they usually are not new. If we do not understand the source of our pain we will keep choosing it without knowing. Now I don’t hold a grudge I only have love and friendship in my heart for my ex as I know we are all on different paths. He chose a codependent woman for a reason and those are issues for him to work out, but I understand. We were both simply doing our best with what we had. Going forward I have a duty to love myself, spread the message of understanding your trauma and pain. That is a difficult path but can also be one of the most beautiful and freeing thing you can do for yourself.

Tiffany Chavez

When I started Alimonia Life I was unsure of the direction, I just knew that I wanted to
create a safe space for anyone who found themselves on the road to divorce.
Join our network, get the support you need.