Going into a marriage you seem to believe that your cultural differences will make you strong and you can learn from each other. It’s us against the world! That is not always the case. It’s not the differences that destroy the bond but rather the inability to be flexible that is destructive. Without the ability to give and take it can be a rough road to navigate. Eventually something has to give.

My husband came from a patriarchal society. The customs were very strong in his family. The men ran everything and everyone. The expectation was that the women would just fall in line. This was so difficult for me and I bucked the system a lot. This did not go over so well. I’m sure they had many conversations in my absence.

Well for me I came from a matriarchal society. So now you can see how this was definitely a set up. All the women in my family were very strong willed and in spite of their circumstances they did some amazing things. Most of them were thrust into positions of power due to the unbalanced system of the country for my culture. It was not so easy for the men to thrive economically and the women made it happen.

Throughout the marriage each of us fought for power. There were times that each of us gave in. Then at one point it seemed as if I was doing more of the compromising. That truly was my fault. I should have stood my ground a lot more. I really wanted the marriage to work but I was sacrificing myself more times that I care to remember. So eventually I just got overwhelmed.

Certain cultures rely heavily upon expectations of the offspring. It is ingrained in the children from a young age that we the parents require you to do as we have lined out for you and if you do not do that then you are bringing shame upon this family. To marry into this culture was a struggle for me. I could not align myself with all of the expectations. On many occasions I had to remind him that I was not of his culture and to expect me to comply every time was too much of an ask. There were times that I felt like I was in a tug of war and I would yank the rope strongly.

Regardless of how much I stood my ground or gave in, it was not going to work out in the end. We were just two different people from different backgrounds and we could not bridge the divide. He was too entrenched in his nest and he could not release himself. There was absolutely nothing that I could do about that. Ultimately I had to release myself to be free. Even when I tried to suppress my matriarchy it didn’t do me any good. I do know that going forward I have to have a balance but I can’t compromise who I am at the core. I’m a strong woman who does not need to be told at this stage of my life, what to do.

Regina H