You’re probably reading this because you are either going through divorce or have recently been divorced.  Well as you already know the “D” word is not a word you probably ever thought you would have to identify within your lifetime.  I know it wasn’t something I thought I would ever experience in my lifetime. As a matter of fact “Divorce” was my biggest fear in life.  So what I am about to share with you I hope will encourage you to overcome and survive this season in your life.  Yes, it is a season and it can be short or long depending on your personal circumstances and how quickly you are able to adapt and work through the grieving process.  I’m not saying this to make light of your situation or belittle what you are going through. I just want to share a little with you about my own experience to hopefully encourage you to press forward with your healing so you too can experience life to the fullest again.

So to begin my story, back in May of 2020 just a few days after my birthday my wife at the time came home at lunch to say we need to talk. The next words out of her mouth were “I want a Divorce!”. At the time I had recently lost my job due to the pandemic and was actively looking for employment when everyone was downsizing.  I had also just discovered the week before that I suffered from depression and saw a psychiatrist to get started on medication to help lift my spirits.  So hearing the words “I want a Divorce” literally devastated me. I thought can life possibly get any worse for me.  I’ve lost my job, I’m suffering from depression and now my wife is divorcing me. I began quickly traveling down a dark road in life that I did not know how to navigate.

Meanwhile my wife at the time was well prepared and had her action plan ready to execute it immediately after telling me she wanted a divorce.  She drained our joint bank account and changed the passwords to all our other financial accounts the very day she told me she was divorcing me.  She then proceeded to tell me she wanted me out of the house by the end of the week. I fought her for a month because I was not giving up on us or my daughters that meant the world to me.  She didn’t make life easy for me living at home. She began taking my daughters to look for a new home.  Since she was a real estate agent she also listed our current home and also decided to sell my car that was in her name for cash to cover her expenses.  I couldn’t believe what was happening to me.  I was definitely living in denial.

 In just a couple weeks she found a new place to live with my daughters and had her friends calling me to tell me it would be best that I moved out since the marriage was over.  I was both devastated and angry at how she was handling all this and treating me in the process.  What did I do? I would ask her over and over again.  All I got as a response was that she wanted her independence back.  That marriage was not supposed to last a lifetime and she didn’t take her wedding vows seriously any longer.  I asked what about your faith, we both know this isn’t right.  Why can’t we try marriage counseling or just separate for a time to try and work things out?  She told me that she didn’t want to be married any longer and she wanted to be free and independent again living on her own.  I asked if there was someone else and she said that she had always remained faithful to me and that there was no one else.

Finally after five weeks of living in my home became so unbearable for me that I called my brother to ask him if I could move in with his family until I get back on my feet.  Thank goodness he said yes because I had no money or transportation and was unemployed.  So on July 5th of 2020 I moved out of my home after 21 years of marriage. Saying goodbye to my two teen daughters was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I broke down in tears.  I hated for my daughters to see their father at such a low point in his life and so defenseless and totally caught off guard by their mother.

 The next year was spent working out the details of the settlement agreement. During this time I did find another job which was the first positive step for me.  I was able to buy another car for transportation with my new income.  I found an apartment close to my job and where my daughters now lived with their mother.  I spent a minimum of one day a week with my daughters to try and mend the damage their mother had done to our relationships.  I hired a therapist, not any therapist but one that had experienced divorce themselves and specialized in divorce counseling.  I began picking up the pieces and working through the grieving process over the next year.  

Over time I learned coping mechanisms. I educated myself about developing new neural pathways and began the process of adjusting to living alone in a one bedroom apartment.  I began to meet new friends because my “X” had told all our mutual friends she planned to divorce me prior to my knowledge.  I was starting all over again from ground zero.  I’m not a young man. I’m in my mid 50’s so adapting at my age took a bit longer than I expected.  It’s been about eighteen months now since I moved out. I want you to know I am on my way back to a very productive and rewarding life.

 I’m learning that I can be happy all alone and hat others do not determine my happiness but that I do. I’m experiencing new things in life and I don’t take anything for granted.  The simple things in life such as a sunny day or talking with a good friend over dinner bring me happiness. I still have my setbacks and occasional bad weekends in bed but with each passing day life gets better.  It really all began with me deciding I was not going to let this be the end for me but I would survive and be stronger than I was before.  I surrounded myself with a good support group of other men that had been through divorce and made it my mission to always go to therapy, no matter what I was feeling that day.  I set goals for myself and leaned hard into my faith and grew more each day as a person.

 I like this person I am now becoming and I am optimistic about life.  I’ve learned to forgive myself, my “X” and most importantly love myself once again. So if there is anything you can take away from my story it is that life does get better.  You may not see or believe it now because you are dealing with a lot of very strong emotions and tremendous pain.  However please know your healing takes time.  You are going to survive this season of your life.  Yes, it’s just a season like a terrible cold winter but I promise you spring is coming.  The grass will be green again, the flowers will bloom, the birds will sing and you will feel the warmth of the sun once again upon your face.

God Bless You and I wish you much happiness and success in your new life.

Sincerely, Christopher