Little did I know that divorce would be the gateway to my total healing. There were so many things in my past that I was running from. I had no idea that I would uncover so much hurt and trauma. I was carrying a super heavy load. If it were not for divorce I may have carried this toxicity to my grave.

I’m very analytical and I always want to know why everything happens. I will sit with situations until I can figure out where they came from and why they transpired. That is my new way of getting over hurdles. I always want to be very transparent with myself because that is the only way I can grow and move on. Deception never produces good results.

Divorce opened the door to my true healing. My childhood and early adulthood was plague with so much trauma. It’s easy for me to see how I pushed it all down. Covering up trauma only creates a bigger volcano that will erupt in the least opportune moment. I know that it was a protective mechanism that wanted to shield me from more pain. Marriage was just another space where I continued to cover up the pain.

After filing for divorce I needed to know how I landed here. I needed to dig way down deep to extract the whole truth. It was deep, dark and ugly. Everything that I had gone through early on set the stage for a marriage that would be a continuation of the first few chapters of my life. It was far from pretty but very necessary for me to reach an understanding.

In essence, I can not completely blame my ex. As much as I would love to throw it all on him, I entertained it, co-signed and chose it every day. I was a willing participant. My areas of weakness accepted it all. I made peace with it and wore it like heavy chains. Once it became too much weight to bare, I had to find a way to let it go. In doing so I had to acknowledge my part. There is that word again, accountability. It was and is hard work but so very worth it.

Regina H