How you ended up in an abusive marriage is not really what we’re addressing today. You can tackle the signs, how you fell for him (or her) later, in therapy. For now – you need to get your kids and yourself to safety. And that, for most abuse victims, can be terrifying. 

I know. I know because I left my abuser nearly 20 years ago. And today, I could NOT be happier. I am a successful person in all areas of my life – and it is because I found the courage to leave my abuser. You can too. If you are not sure how to leave an abusive marriage, and how to not go right back to them – continuing that cycle of abuse you are so familiar with – then pay close attention:

• You can leave.

• It is hard – but not nearly as hard as you think. (Nowhere near as hard as what you have already suffered!)

• You are NOT alone.

• The light at the other end of that trauma is so worth it.

• YOU are worth it.

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

The cycle of abuse continues as long as there is an abuser and victims they can abuse. If you are trapped in this cycle of abuse know this: you cannot save them, you cannot fix them, you cannot change them. The only thing you can do is leave your abuser and make a new life for yourself. Find healing for those broken parts inside of you that allowed you to fall into this trap in the first place. And move on.

Why We Go back

We go back to our abusers because on some level we are a part of that cycle of abuse. We are acting out some kind of abuse-victim cycle that we’ve witnessed or been taught, and that broken part of us needs to be repaired through therapy, distance from our abuser, and time.

You cannot heal until you can stay away.

Which is why you need to make it impossible for you to go right back to the abuse that is so familiar it feels like home.

What We Need to Stay Free

1. Safety.

2. Security.

3. Resources.

4. Support.

5. Inner strength – yes, you have it. You have shown your strength already, haven’t you? Tap into that strength and don’t give it all away to your abuser – because you, without all that craziness in your life, can accomplish wonderful things for yourself and your children.

How to Leave an Abusive Marriage – and NOT Go Back

How to leave an abusive marriage is not an easy thing to answer, because there are a lot of factors to consider: finances, physical safety, housing, transportation, social circles, etc. The kids! There are so many things on your mind right now it feels the world is spinning – and your abuser is the one spinning it.

But keep your eye on the prize: freedom. Safety, security, stability, self-esteem – these are all within your reach. You just need planning and support.

Prepare 

Prepare a safety plan. The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides a wealth of information on how you can prepare yourself for leaving, find the safety support you need, counseling services, and crisis intervention resources. Call them. Visit the website. Prepare yourself and do not be afraid – these folks are experts on how to do this. Let them help. (Delete your phone call record in your phone and the web searches on your computer in case your partner is checking up on you. The website covers how to stay cyber-safe during your exit from this emotional and physical abuse trap you are in.)

You can also pack overnight bags for yourself and/or kids and ask a trusted friend to put them in their trunk. This way if you have to run…you have some of your things stowed away for that day. Make sure to squirrel away some financial resources little by little if you can. If you can't, don't worry – there are resources to help you when you are in crisis. Trust me, when the day comes and you make your move, you’ll figure out the small details. You really will. You are resourceful, smart, and strong.

Get Support

A trusted friend, a therapist, a women’s group, a church, a local support group – find out what resources are in your area. Make a list and keep it somewhere your abuser will not find it. When the time comes and you leave…you’ll have a list of resources to use during that time when it’s hard to think straight. 

Gather Evidence

Pictures. Texts. Videos. Anything to support abuse allegations. Call the police when you need to and make a report of violence. ANYTHING on record.

Put your important documents – birth certificates, banking information, anything you do not want to lose – in a safe place so you can get to them after you leave your abuser.

Go ahead and get a lawyer’s consultation if you can. After you leave your abuser you will not want any contact whatsoever with your ex-partner except what must be communicated, and even then, preferably through your lawyer.

Leave

Leave your abusive marriage by walking out that door and going to your safe space. Get police support to come out and stand by while you get your things. Or leave when he’s away for work. It’s best to leave when your abuser is not around to influence your mind to try to interrupt what you are doing. 

Cut Off All Contact

This means social media, phone calls (change your number if you have to), and any personal conversation. If they can talk to you they can worm their way back into your good graces.

Not this time. 

Conclusion

“How to leave an abusive marriage” becomes “I left my abuser” when you create a safe exit plan and prepare yourself for what you know your abuser will do – try to talk you out of it. Plan for this. If you know you may go back, put several shields in place: block on social media, block phone numbers, or press charges to get your abuser into the system for what they’ve been doing to you and your children. Be smart and think one step ahead of them. But before you leave your toxic partner, make sure that being safe and secure is more important than any of the love or need emotions that got you into this mess.

Because, I’m sure you’ve figured it out by now, love doesn’t do this. Love does not abuse. If it does, it is not love.

Christina M Ward