Tips For Dealing With A Difficult Ex
Now that the divorce is finalized and everyone knows what they are supposed to do and when they are supposed to do it, it seems things can settle down a bit, right? The courts have spoken. The worst part is over. Now, it’s a matter of communication with your ex and handling the details of co-parenting or sharing a pet or assets or what-have-you. But then, you find you are dealing with a difficult ex. While some ex-partners settle into a workable groove, others seem to become more and more fussy. Sometimes they are unhappy with the court rulings. SOmetimes, they’re just unhappy.
And if you are dealing with a difficult ex, you know, it can be anything but simple or easy.
Perhaps, these tips for dealing with a difficult ex partner can help you to stay focused on the positive and keep your life as simple and drama-free as possible, for your own health, and especially if there are children involved.
Accept the New Roles (Difficult Ex Included)
Life is certainly not going in the direction you had planned. In fact, your ex may have been a beautiful soul floating through your life, imparting joy and hope and partnership that was working – until they weren’t. Now, they’re simply a pain. And you have to deal with them.
This is not the end of the world. The sooner you accept – this is a new normal and I can very well make the best of it – the quicker you can get on with the new direction of your life. Difficult ex or no difficult ex, you still have work to do, a home to take care of, possibly children who wait for you to tell them where their other lavender sock is…and you have to get on with life.
Accept that the new roles look a lot different, and even if it’s hard, things will be ok. All involved will adjust, learn, and move forward – including the difficult ex spouse, though their time frame for healing may vary greatly from yours.
Communication with Ex Spouse
You are going to have to really, I mean really, work to learn good communication skills, especially how to communicate with a difficult ex partner. Chances are this was hard enough when you were together! Here are a few quick tips from Coparently to help you stay on the path to improving communication with a challenging ex partner.
Don’t dig up the past. Concentrate on the matter at hand.
Keep it simple and clear.
Stay away from some topics to avoid conflict.
Look for opportunities to compromise and keep peace.
Make sure you are listening.
Set healthy boundaries.
Be civil and polite.
Co-Parenting with a Difficult Ex
Another skill that will be rather new is co-parenting. Follow any court order to the letter and ask your lawyer for clarification if anything is unclear to you. Make sure you and the ex are both in understanding of the court ordered schedule and “rules” you both have to follow. Try to work out disagreements out of court and save the court system for resolving larger issues that are quite important to your child’s well-being or safety.
Keep it about the children and speak with affirming, neutral, un-challenging but very clear language. This is not time to make a point or to dig in and stand your ground simply to “win.” Conversations with the ex for co-parenting purposes are that – FOR co-parenting.
Try to work with the ex and not inflame uncomfortable situations.
Just do the best you can. Sometimes dealing with a difficult ex is simply to do the best you can, stay calm, and stay focused on what is best for the children – and as much common ground as possible for the children’s best care.
Agreeing to disagree is totally ok. Agreeing not to argue it into the ground, also ok.
Setting Clear Boundaries with a Difficult Ex Partner
Your mental welfare is also important. If your ex is being difficult, chances are it’s really hurting you and your children. Some therapy may be necessary for yourself and your children.
Begin, also, by setting clear boundaries that create a safe space for co-parenting.
Kindness and respect go a long way. If you aren’t receiving it, at least show your children what that looks like.
Healing after divorce is hard. Give it the time and investment needed to get you on your way to better days.
Create those healthy boundaries and start advocating for yourself and your children to feel safe and secure, especially if a difficult ex is being out of control, intrusive, and certainly if they are being abusive.
As much as possible, untangle your social life from the ex. What’s going on with them is no longer your concern. It’s so much easier to move forward when you aren’t constantly looking backward.
Staying Focused on What Really Matters
(Hint: It’s NOT the difficult ex and their fancy new car or love interest or career or anything.)
Speaking of moving forwards and not backwards, it’s so hard to just let go. There were some really big dreams you and your ex shared, you know, before they became the difficult ex partner that’s making you crazy.
You have to find your own ways to stay focused on your new normal, what really matters. It’s so easy to get thrown off-kilter and begin to lose hope. But things can and will get better if you stay focused on building your new life.
Conclusion
It’s ok to feel all kinds of confused, angry, and frustrated right now. After all, dealing with a difficult ex, especially if there are children involved, can be really challenging and upsetting. But, you can rise above the drama. You can look forward to a bright future and begin placing the building blocks for that. You can learn new ways of dealing with a difficult ex that do not inflame or worsen the situation.
If you need to – make that appointment today with a therapist, a support group, or even with an understanding friend to hear you out, and start dealing with a difficult ex – by becoming a better person for yourself, inside and out. Stay strong. You’ve got this.
Christina M Ward